flyboy_fox

:\ So Miles is smirking disdainfully and calling me a 'whiny little bitch'. Something is very wrong here.

No, he does have a point. He at least DOES get stuff done... I joke about him being the 'emo' one, but seriously he's far less of a whiny bitch than me in actuality. Not that he doesn't have brooding angsty moods, because he does and it sucks when he's like that, but he doesn't get whiny and lethargic and useless like me. If anything, he gets more driven and determined. He's actually far more balanced and well-rounded than me. He doesn't mope and get all self-pitying like I do. Sigh. I guess I selfishly hoped that if he really intended on sticking around I could at least feel morally superior compared to him and therefore better about myself XD; My 'evil' alter is a better person than me, lol.

....

I'm worried about stuff. Money, getting a job, our future after Jei graduates next summer. I just feel low right now. I'm trying my best to remember how fortunate and privileged I actually am. Roof over my head, food in my stomach, not living in poverty or being abused by anyone or anything horrible like that. As my mum would always say, "think of the children starving in Africa". I know, I know. I feel guilty as sin for when I have one of my 'blah' days. I'm sure my pep will be back soon enough x.o

Meh. Sometimes I honestly feel that Miles could do a MUCH better job with my life than I've done or could ever do :P

*EMOEMOEMOEMOEMO* sorry guyz

Edit:

Okay so things rapidly spiralled downhill from here. I kinda had one of my little... freakouts. It's been a while since I've suddenly plummeted into one of those. Maybe I'm due for another migraine; usually when my mood hits one of these lows where I have a little 'crazy' spell, it means a migraine attack is on the way 9_9;;

I don't think I've flipped like that during the time Miles has been around. So yeah, he's never had the 'pleasure' of seeing me in that state :\ I actually would have quite happily let him take over, you know? I was so self-loathing, so full of 'I suck at everything and fail in all that I do!' that I really was perfectly content to just be all 'screw it, do what you like'. But of course, he didn't. I really was honestly expecting him to jump on any chance to take over. He's always threatening to, always scheming, always acting like this life is his to take permanent control of. I guess I kind of always expect him to act like the stereotypical 'mwahahaha' villain and take any moment of weakness to flip me on my back and hold a knife to my throat. In reality, his reaction was more just 'what the fuck?' and staying as far away from me as possible, not going near me with a ten-foot pole throughout my freak-out. The only vibe I got from him, actually, was that he wanted to talk to Jei and ask her if she could do anything about me. I think he thinks now, more than ever, that I am utterly insane.

In a way, that kinda stings worse than if he'd taken advantage of the situation. Right now I'm nothing more than an embarrassment to him and he's just 'O.o' at me.

Oh wow. Good job, Jai. Way to put that depression in its place x.o I dunno if I hope that this is just the prelude to a migraine or not. If it is, then I have to endure the migraine :P If not, then I dunno... I don't want it to happen again :\