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flyboy_foxUgh... why does it have to be so COLD in August/early September? Coldest UK August in 17 years or something, according to the news. I shouldn't be wearing a fleece and two pairs of socks on top of my regular clothes on September 2nd and STILL be shivering. Meh.
Aaanyway... yesterday Jei and I went into Boscombe. Why? Because Miles has been on my case for weeks about getting hold of a dagger or knife of some specific sort. Mind you, not to stab people with or anything. Just to 'have'. He really wanted something that he could call his own, that would just be his. And it has to be a blade. Whee. Anyway, we figured that since there's a whole lot of odds-and-ends shops in Boscombe, that would be the best bet. We stopped in town first because I needed to drop some more documents off at the jobs agency to support a banking job I'm after. Then we had a cheap buffet lunch at Pizza Hut and went to Boscome.
It was an interesting day. Miles and Jei went into Bournemouth, but then I took over at the agency, and then in Pizza Hut Scourge decided to come out because Jei and I were talking extensively about his past. So then it was me and Scourge who were out while we were in Boscombe shopping for a knife for Miles XD But it was unfruitful anyway because the only shops there were antiques stores with nothing in 'em or closed. We did pick up American Psycho on DVD and some Cointreau though. Oh, and Scourge decided that he wanted to buy this MASSIVE turkey leg for dinner. You know, the type of drumstick that takes over an hour in the oven and could feed a family of four plus leftovers. Just because he liked the image of sprawling on his throne all regal and munching on a massive hunk of meat. Mffff. Then Scourge fucked off and it was just Jei and me again.
We had a good evening for a while, playing more Lego Batman, and Scourge got to munch his epically ridiculous turkey leg, but then I started feeling kinda ill. And then Miles decided to get really pissed off. He HATES how unhealthy I am and all the crap food I eat and how I don't exercise enough etc. So he ranted at Jei for a good while, and then marched off in a huff at around 11pm to go for one of his 'walks'. He walked up to the motorway and just stood there watching the cars for a while. Pretty uninteresting except for the fact that a couple of people thought he was a prostitute >_> Even though he was wearing a red and black long-sleeved sweater and black sweatpants, lol. I guess that's just what happens when a lone 'female' stands leaning against a wall alone on a street corner for long enough at night XD;;
Anyway, he eventually got home and locked himself in the bedroom for a while and just sat on the bed in the dark drinking herbal tea, heh, weirdo. There was a brief interlude when Jei managed to convince him to play a game of Tetris (the physical/board game version) which he won, but he was still in an awful mood. He secluded himself a while more until he finally decided to talk to Jei. He's been in an off mood for a while, but I wasn't really sure why until he finally opened up to her. Turns out he's doubting his own existence, wtf. Basically, he did my over-logic thing and basically talked himself into not being real. He says he's just 'a figment' and an 'illusion'. He was pretty upset about it, naturally I guess. It's just odd because he's been such a forceful presence, so determined of his own existence and reality... and now that I've pretty much accepted him without doubt as real, HE decides to shoot himself down. I honestly do believe that he's real now, but HE doesn't, and it's fucking with my head so much x.x
So yeah, he talked with Jei a while... It turns out that part of his fear comes from the fact that his memories don't go back very far from 'back home'. He doesn't remember much about where he came from or life before the SS. Scourge on the other hand remembers everything. How they met, stuff from before they met, etc. Miles thinks that's just because Scourge has more 'canon' stuff from the comics to work from. Stuff about his father, for example. Miles doesn't have any clues to his past, therefore it's all made up and he doesn't really exist. Well, you can't really argue with that, can you? It makes sense. He makes a compelling case for his own lack of actual existence and for how 'he' even came to 'be' in my head in the first place.
How do you argue with such sane and sensible logic anyway? He's right, it can all VERY easily be explained. But eh... I've been in this so deep for so long now, I guess I can't just accept that. Jei won't either. She actually really likes Miles. More than she ever expected to, I think. They get on well in a different way that she and I do. They do clash a lot. She doesn't like when he 'fronts' for a long time at the expense of time with me. She doesn't like when he just goes off on walks by himself without warning, or when he does destructive/self-destructive things. But when he's in a good mood, they actually get on really well. He respects her as Sonic and also as her own person here. He comes across as a 'loner' who doesn't want friends, but he does actually get lonely pretty easily I think. Friendship just has to be on his terms and not too claustrophobic. I always got the feeling that he and Alicia from the SS were, if not friends, then pretty close acquaintances. I also noticed that when Miles doesn't occupy himself, either with a task or with people, then he THINKS too much and gets in weird moods. He always has to be occupied with something. He can't just chill like I can (and do, too easily XD).
So he and Jei talked for quite a long while. She actually gave him a hug, which was the most awkward thing ever. He put up with it for about three seconds before telling her that was enough and pushing her away. He was really uncomfortable. But on some level I think he appreciated the gesture. Then Jei said that Scourge wanted to front but she wasn't sure if it was a good idea. Miles said he'd be fine with it, so she let him front. I think Miles was hoping that Scourge would rough him up a bit, maybe smack some sense into him and snap him out of it with his familiar violent and mocking nature. He was kinda hoping that Scourge would laugh at him for being so stupid. But Scourge didn't laugh at him (much) or rough him up. He told Miles to snap out of it and expressed his disappointment, but it seemed like he was genuinely bothered at the thought that Miles might leave him all alone here. Because they're both the only link that each other has to their world I guess. It was just very tense and awkward and they didn't really talk much. Then Scourge said he wanted to speak to ME, so Miles just kinda shoved me up front and fucked off rather abruptly. Meh. So I chatted with Scourge for a while. He'd gotten rather pissed off by then because of Miles, so I was kinda nervous around him, but we talked a bit. I asked him a bit about Miles' past, and Scourge seemed pretty easy about it. He didn't know too much about Miles before the time they met, but he gave me a pretty clear recount of meeting him etc. He said that Miles had a knife of some sort on him when they met, which he may or may not have got from his uncle (Anti-Merlin? Lol). He reckons that's why Miles is so bent on getting hold of a knife (and a pretty specific type). *Shrug*
See, the thing is, I don't think Miles just... doesn't have memories. He's seemed to remember stuff before. He's frustrated now because he can't remember specifics that he feels he should know; stuff about his past etc. But maybe he's just put up a block for some reason, or, like Jei suggested, some of it just didn't carry over for whatever reason. It just seems odd to me that he was SO insistent on being real, and now all of a sudden he's given up :\ I think it's partly due to how long Scourge took to give him any kind of reaction. He was looking for some sort of validation in Scourge, but Scourge deliberately withheld because he was enjoying fucking with Miles' head and also because he was put off by how 'needy' Miles was. So then Miles started ignoring Scourge instead, and so they didn't even speak to each other for WEEKS. And that gave Miles way too much time on his own just thinking x.o So he basically deconstructed everything and decided he can't possibly be a real entity. And now he's... I'unno. I don't even know.
The other thing I was wondering, if they're real entities (which I really do believe they are after all this time knowing 'em) is how did he and Scourge even get here? I didn't have any clues until recently when Miles seemed to imply that he died on his world (which would probably apply to Scourge too). Scourge doesn't seem to have any recollection of that, yet Miles DOES. So I dunno. It's like all the clues are there between them, but I'm not a mind reader and neither is Jei, and just asking them straight out gets awkward and weird and feels somehow invasive. Miles won't talk to me anyhoo, and Scourge is very... easily triggered over certain memories. So it's not easy. And now that Miles is being a little bitch and having some kind of crazy existential crisis I have no idea what's going to happen anyway x.x
TL;DR: Miles is being a li'l emo bitch and needs to cut it out. I'm always defending you and saying you're not emo, so stop emo'ing K? D: *Throws one of his Dark Psytrance album at him ♥*
On a lighter note, things WERE going better lately for the four of us. Jei and I found an interesting way to strike a neat four-way balance between us so that we can all exist/talk/front at once kinda like we used to do over IMs while she was still in America. SecondLife :D We let Scourge and Miles take over our avatars on SL while Jei and I stay IRL. So they can talk and hang out and cause mayhem online while Jei and I can chat offline and everyone's happy. It's kinda funny seeing the SL stuff they get up to. Jei and I always did cheerful fun happy stuff like making fae and satyr costumes and checking out woodland and steampunk environments, doing hunts, going to raves and nightclubs with kooky themes. Scourge and Miles on the other hand have managed to get us embroiled in the Close Combat System RPGs on SL. Most of our Linden recently has gone on weapons and gear. I've never ever been into knives and guns in my life, but in the past month or so I've learned so much about handguns and range and melee weapons, sabres, swords, crossbows... It's enlightening, I guess. I've always been scared of those CCS-based combat sims, but they're actually not so bad really. |Next Day| for example is a really cool-looking urban post-apocolyptic sim with gorgeous visuals and a neat backstory. Scourge and Miles seem to dig it, so that's good. Anything that lets them run amok and cause chaos without actually running amok and causing chaos, y'know? XD;
So, that's basically the craziness that's been going on inside my/our heads. In the external world, I heard back from Boots after they sorted the email mess and after getting to the last set of potentials... but I didn't quite make the cut. I may get some holiday work from them, but that's it. However, I also have an upcoming interview for a potential job with Nationwide which pays over a pound per hour more than Boots, so that's hopeful. Also picked up an application form for Total Entertainment in Boscombe. It's slightly further away, but hey, it's a videogames store that sells everything from brand new and used from SNES, Genesis, Megadrive, N64, PS1, Dreamcast etc as well as modern/next gen consoles and games :D Working there would be AMAZING. Mm-hmm!
Anyway, I may go take a nap now. I haven't felt completely well since yesterday. I think I'm just tired and need to drink more water and eat better food. Miles does have a point - I'm not very healthy right now :P I need to stop being so lazy before Miles (if he ever comes back o.o) makes good on his threat to take over forcefully until I'm healthy and fit. One thing about him is he really is MUCH more motivated than me when it comes to being healthy and not being a lazy slob :\ It was only him that got me out of the house at all yesterday. I wouldn't have gone. Rarrrgh. *Goes to be a lazy butt and sprawl on the couch for an hour or so :P*
...
...
... *A half hour later* ... Okay, so I put on some of Miles' psytrance music because I never actually really listened to it myself and it's seriously HYPNOTIC @_@;; I don't mean that I like it. I mean that I feel like it's quite literally hypnotising me with its strange pulsing beats and electronic sound effects. Whoooaaaa. *Swaaaaays* Crazy stuff x.o
Nyah, anyway, everyone on LJ seems to be doing that crazy 'kinks' meme, so maybe I'll do that too, later ♥ Gonna stopy typing now. Yeah. :\
Aaanyway... yesterday Jei and I went into Boscombe. Why? Because Miles has been on my case for weeks about getting hold of a dagger or knife of some specific sort. Mind you, not to stab people with or anything. Just to 'have'. He really wanted something that he could call his own, that would just be his. And it has to be a blade. Whee. Anyway, we figured that since there's a whole lot of odds-and-ends shops in Boscombe, that would be the best bet. We stopped in town first because I needed to drop some more documents off at the jobs agency to support a banking job I'm after. Then we had a cheap buffet lunch at Pizza Hut and went to Boscome.
It was an interesting day. Miles and Jei went into Bournemouth, but then I took over at the agency, and then in Pizza Hut Scourge decided to come out because Jei and I were talking extensively about his past. So then it was me and Scourge who were out while we were in Boscombe shopping for a knife for Miles XD But it was unfruitful anyway because the only shops there were antiques stores with nothing in 'em or closed. We did pick up American Psycho on DVD and some Cointreau though. Oh, and Scourge decided that he wanted to buy this MASSIVE turkey leg for dinner. You know, the type of drumstick that takes over an hour in the oven and could feed a family of four plus leftovers. Just because he liked the image of sprawling on his throne all regal and munching on a massive hunk of meat. Mffff. Then Scourge fucked off and it was just Jei and me again.
We had a good evening for a while, playing more Lego Batman, and Scourge got to munch his epically ridiculous turkey leg, but then I started feeling kinda ill. And then Miles decided to get really pissed off. He HATES how unhealthy I am and all the crap food I eat and how I don't exercise enough etc. So he ranted at Jei for a good while, and then marched off in a huff at around 11pm to go for one of his 'walks'. He walked up to the motorway and just stood there watching the cars for a while. Pretty uninteresting except for the fact that a couple of people thought he was a prostitute >_> Even though he was wearing a red and black long-sleeved sweater and black sweatpants, lol. I guess that's just what happens when a lone 'female' stands leaning against a wall alone on a street corner for long enough at night XD;;
Anyway, he eventually got home and locked himself in the bedroom for a while and just sat on the bed in the dark drinking herbal tea, heh, weirdo. There was a brief interlude when Jei managed to convince him to play a game of Tetris (the physical/board game version) which he won, but he was still in an awful mood. He secluded himself a while more until he finally decided to talk to Jei. He's been in an off mood for a while, but I wasn't really sure why until he finally opened up to her. Turns out he's doubting his own existence, wtf. Basically, he did my over-logic thing and basically talked himself into not being real. He says he's just 'a figment' and an 'illusion'. He was pretty upset about it, naturally I guess. It's just odd because he's been such a forceful presence, so determined of his own existence and reality... and now that I've pretty much accepted him without doubt as real, HE decides to shoot himself down. I honestly do believe that he's real now, but HE doesn't, and it's fucking with my head so much x.x
So yeah, he talked with Jei a while... It turns out that part of his fear comes from the fact that his memories don't go back very far from 'back home'. He doesn't remember much about where he came from or life before the SS. Scourge on the other hand remembers everything. How they met, stuff from before they met, etc. Miles thinks that's just because Scourge has more 'canon' stuff from the comics to work from. Stuff about his father, for example. Miles doesn't have any clues to his past, therefore it's all made up and he doesn't really exist. Well, you can't really argue with that, can you? It makes sense. He makes a compelling case for his own lack of actual existence and for how 'he' even came to 'be' in my head in the first place.
How do you argue with such sane and sensible logic anyway? He's right, it can all VERY easily be explained. But eh... I've been in this so deep for so long now, I guess I can't just accept that. Jei won't either. She actually really likes Miles. More than she ever expected to, I think. They get on well in a different way that she and I do. They do clash a lot. She doesn't like when he 'fronts' for a long time at the expense of time with me. She doesn't like when he just goes off on walks by himself without warning, or when he does destructive/self-destructive things. But when he's in a good mood, they actually get on really well. He respects her as Sonic and also as her own person here. He comes across as a 'loner' who doesn't want friends, but he does actually get lonely pretty easily I think. Friendship just has to be on his terms and not too claustrophobic. I always got the feeling that he and Alicia from the SS were, if not friends, then pretty close acquaintances. I also noticed that when Miles doesn't occupy himself, either with a task or with people, then he THINKS too much and gets in weird moods. He always has to be occupied with something. He can't just chill like I can (and do, too easily XD).
So he and Jei talked for quite a long while. She actually gave him a hug, which was the most awkward thing ever. He put up with it for about three seconds before telling her that was enough and pushing her away. He was really uncomfortable. But on some level I think he appreciated the gesture. Then Jei said that Scourge wanted to front but she wasn't sure if it was a good idea. Miles said he'd be fine with it, so she let him front. I think Miles was hoping that Scourge would rough him up a bit, maybe smack some sense into him and snap him out of it with his familiar violent and mocking nature. He was kinda hoping that Scourge would laugh at him for being so stupid. But Scourge didn't laugh at him (much) or rough him up. He told Miles to snap out of it and expressed his disappointment, but it seemed like he was genuinely bothered at the thought that Miles might leave him all alone here. Because they're both the only link that each other has to their world I guess. It was just very tense and awkward and they didn't really talk much. Then Scourge said he wanted to speak to ME, so Miles just kinda shoved me up front and fucked off rather abruptly. Meh. So I chatted with Scourge for a while. He'd gotten rather pissed off by then because of Miles, so I was kinda nervous around him, but we talked a bit. I asked him a bit about Miles' past, and Scourge seemed pretty easy about it. He didn't know too much about Miles before the time they met, but he gave me a pretty clear recount of meeting him etc. He said that Miles had a knife of some sort on him when they met, which he may or may not have got from his uncle (Anti-Merlin? Lol). He reckons that's why Miles is so bent on getting hold of a knife (and a pretty specific type). *Shrug*
See, the thing is, I don't think Miles just... doesn't have memories. He's seemed to remember stuff before. He's frustrated now because he can't remember specifics that he feels he should know; stuff about his past etc. But maybe he's just put up a block for some reason, or, like Jei suggested, some of it just didn't carry over for whatever reason. It just seems odd to me that he was SO insistent on being real, and now all of a sudden he's given up :\ I think it's partly due to how long Scourge took to give him any kind of reaction. He was looking for some sort of validation in Scourge, but Scourge deliberately withheld because he was enjoying fucking with Miles' head and also because he was put off by how 'needy' Miles was. So then Miles started ignoring Scourge instead, and so they didn't even speak to each other for WEEKS. And that gave Miles way too much time on his own just thinking x.o So he basically deconstructed everything and decided he can't possibly be a real entity. And now he's... I'unno. I don't even know.
The other thing I was wondering, if they're real entities (which I really do believe they are after all this time knowing 'em) is how did he and Scourge even get here? I didn't have any clues until recently when Miles seemed to imply that he died on his world (which would probably apply to Scourge too). Scourge doesn't seem to have any recollection of that, yet Miles DOES. So I dunno. It's like all the clues are there between them, but I'm not a mind reader and neither is Jei, and just asking them straight out gets awkward and weird and feels somehow invasive. Miles won't talk to me anyhoo, and Scourge is very... easily triggered over certain memories. So it's not easy. And now that Miles is being a little bitch and having some kind of crazy existential crisis I have no idea what's going to happen anyway x.x
TL;DR: Miles is being a li'l emo bitch and needs to cut it out. I'm always defending you and saying you're not emo, so stop emo'ing K? D: *Throws one of his Dark Psytrance album at him ♥*
On a lighter note, things WERE going better lately for the four of us. Jei and I found an interesting way to strike a neat four-way balance between us so that we can all exist/talk/front at once kinda like we used to do over IMs while she was still in America. SecondLife :D We let Scourge and Miles take over our avatars on SL while Jei and I stay IRL. So they can talk and hang out and cause mayhem online while Jei and I can chat offline and everyone's happy. It's kinda funny seeing the SL stuff they get up to. Jei and I always did cheerful fun happy stuff like making fae and satyr costumes and checking out woodland and steampunk environments, doing hunts, going to raves and nightclubs with kooky themes. Scourge and Miles on the other hand have managed to get us embroiled in the Close Combat System RPGs on SL. Most of our Linden recently has gone on weapons and gear. I've never ever been into knives and guns in my life, but in the past month or so I've learned so much about handguns and range and melee weapons, sabres, swords, crossbows... It's enlightening, I guess. I've always been scared of those CCS-based combat sims, but they're actually not so bad really. |Next Day| for example is a really cool-looking urban post-apocolyptic sim with gorgeous visuals and a neat backstory. Scourge and Miles seem to dig it, so that's good. Anything that lets them run amok and cause chaos without actually running amok and causing chaos, y'know? XD;
So, that's basically the craziness that's been going on inside my/our heads. In the external world, I heard back from Boots after they sorted the email mess and after getting to the last set of potentials... but I didn't quite make the cut. I may get some holiday work from them, but that's it. However, I also have an upcoming interview for a potential job with Nationwide which pays over a pound per hour more than Boots, so that's hopeful. Also picked up an application form for Total Entertainment in Boscombe. It's slightly further away, but hey, it's a videogames store that sells everything from brand new and used from SNES, Genesis, Megadrive, N64, PS1, Dreamcast etc as well as modern/next gen consoles and games :D Working there would be AMAZING. Mm-hmm!
Anyway, I may go take a nap now. I haven't felt completely well since yesterday. I think I'm just tired and need to drink more water and eat better food. Miles does have a point - I'm not very healthy right now :P I need to stop being so lazy before Miles (if he ever comes back o.o) makes good on his threat to take over forcefully until I'm healthy and fit. One thing about him is he really is MUCH more motivated than me when it comes to being healthy and not being a lazy slob :\ It was only him that got me out of the house at all yesterday. I wouldn't have gone. Rarrrgh. *Goes to be a lazy butt and sprawl on the couch for an hour or so :P*
...
...
... *A half hour later* ... Okay, so I put on some of Miles' psytrance music because I never actually really listened to it myself and it's seriously HYPNOTIC @_@;; I don't mean that I like it. I mean that I feel like it's quite literally hypnotising me with its strange pulsing beats and electronic sound effects. Whoooaaaa. *Swaaaaays* Crazy stuff x.o
Nyah, anyway, everyone on LJ seems to be doing that crazy 'kinks' meme, so maybe I'll do that too, later ♥ Gonna stopy typing now. Yeah. :\
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2010-09-02 05:41 pm (UTC)~Kat/Sel
Icon only because it has cookies and I want cookies.
Date: 2010-09-02 06:07 pm (UTC)Re: Icon only because it has cookies and I want cookies.
Date: 2010-09-02 08:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-09-04 03:59 am (UTC)And Yes Kalion/Shadow is really fucking with my head now..all these work and idiots make office a shitty placeno subject
Date: 2010-09-04 11:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-09-04 12:29 pm (UTC)But yeah stuff has happened and i have to be careful being in a military organisation and all..but it may be best to move out before the shit hits the fan know what i'm saying?>.
no subject
Date: 2010-09-05 05:44 am (UTC)FUCK YEAH, PSYTRANCE.
(hi. you knew Lee when he was going by Molly or Jane I think.)
no subject
Date: 2010-09-05 10:27 am (UTC)Also, thank you for the PM. Good to know there's others who 'get it'. I'm trying my hardest to remember who you guys are... I'm hopeless at remembering people I knew in communities and stuff which I'm no longer active in/a member of, which is where I must have known you from if you're not on my friends list? So sorry! ^^;;
no subject
Date: 2010-09-09 02:11 am (UTC)I think I might have had you friended on an old journal of mine... but that's best forgotten, I was really stupid two years ago. (It had to do with a community, yes.) In any case - the Stewart was pinged by Miles' situation, and by your music, and I've been kind of stalking your journal for a while in any case, so. Can we add?
no subject
Date: 2010-09-09 08:50 am (UTC)