IDEK Pt. 2 (or Holy Crap This Is Long! And Ridiculous!)

[flyboy_fox]

... in which Jai can't ever seem to shut up, wants to find a happy medium, and wonders what the hell a 'soulbond' even really is.

Disclaimer: This is going to seem like I'm suddenly going back on everything I said in my last post. But I want to say my piece from both sides. This is the piece where I take the same issues as before, but assume this time that 'Miles' IS real. Also this is long and rambly and I'm falling asleep so zzzzz.

Yes, I am going to talk about Miles again. Yes, I'm going to sound like a lunatic. Yes, this is cathartic for me. And yes, it's under a cut so that those who are uninterested can just skip right past.

The tl;dr of this post can basically be summed up as: Jai is a sentimental and confused moron who doesn't really care who else actually believes in/acknowledges his strange muse, yet feels oddly alone because Jai has never quite gelled with the fic'kin community and really kind of wishes he could talk to people more easily. As stressed as he is about everything, Jai still does not feel that Miles is a 'roleplay' (even a 'piss-poor' one), but rather a clumsy and noobish facet acting out of justified fear of repression. Jai would like to justify Miles' canon OoCness and difficulty in coming across well, but knows it probably just sounds like excuses. Jai wishes he could stick to his guns and just move on, but now he feels horrible and oddly guilty and needs to figure this out. However, Jai is also determined to get his fucking life back on track, and acknowledges the importance of his mental health, therefore is still going to take aforementioned breaks and DO STUFF other than sit and think.


I'm just going to ramble now. I'm also going to treat Miles as an actual person for the majority of this post. That's gonna clash horribly with my last post, but bear with me. Please.

The past couple of days should have scared me. My last post kind of indicated a freak-out, but it was more just frustration. When you deal with something alone, knowing that most of the people you know aren't going to take it seriously, it gets frustrating. The worst part is that you know that people have every RIGHT to laugh at you, pick you apart, accuse you of being an attention-seeker with incredibly poor role-playing skills. That's exactly what it looks like, and nobody outside can get inside your head and see, hear or feel what you see, hear and feel. Miles could be the most real thing I've ever experienced, and I could  tell you sincerely that I'm not just 'acting' (poorly), but if it doesn't translate well into text, he DOES just look like bad fanfiction.

Miles functions better when he's talking direct to someone, that much is obvious. It's more like speech, it flows better, is far more natural. He's not used to 'blogging', and he's not used to complete 'fronting' (as opposed to me just typing up what he says). His thoughts translate to text in a really odd and stilted manner, fragmented at times and overly formal, even for him. It was much worse to begin with. He didn't use ANY contractions. Then later, he started using them, but he still sounded like a... computer, I guess. That's how Jei put it. He sounds forced at times because I think he is. My brain fills in the gaps in an incredibly formulaic and stilted way, sometimes not even making true grammatical sense.

He ganked my journal because he was scared. The thought of being locked up again at the back of my mind when Jei gets home must have been terrifying to him. He wasn't trying to convince anyone that he's the Real Canon Miles. He wasn't trying to impress anyone. I really think he just wanted to know how to avoid being relegated to a non-entity when the status quo gets shaken up again. But of course, why should anyone care? No one knows him. He's not friends with anyone on my list and there's no reason for anyone to validate him or pay him any heed. It was, I'm sure, a shot in the dark that naturally reaped no results and just pulled the trolls in. He looked like he was trying too hard, and to be honest he probably was. If I pick up a rusted and bent tin whistle and blow into it, nothing like music will come out, even if I'm the world's best musician. And if Miles tries to use my brain to project himself openly without being used to that way of operating, he won't translate over very well either.

I sort of... wished for him to talk to other soulbonds. I felt maybe that would help. But of course he doesn't know anyone on my list, and no one was likely to pay him any attention anyway. I doubt it bothers him, but I felt a little sad. My position on the fringes automatically ostracises him from the soulbond community. I am an asshole who didn't believe in soulbonds so it's no wonder that most of the soulbond community will (understandably) tar him with the same brush as me and not want to help either of us. I have no doubt that some people may even believe that I invented him just so that I could get 'in' on that group... That's far from the case, but an understandable assumption nevertheless.
 
If I sound like I feel almost sorry for him... even after he locked me out of my own mind for more than 36 hours... well, perhaps I do. Those 36 hours were some of the strangest of my life, but I actually, oddly, wasn't afraid. The whole time, I didn't actually feel anything. It was like I existed, but I had no access to any of my normal functions. No access to my emotions, or to movement or even contemplation. I felt, the whole time, like I was watching from the back seat, sedated but not unconscious. I wondered if that's what it was like for him at the back of my mind.

I know that in previous posts I worried over what would happen if he could front, physically (i.e. become the 'owner' of my body rather than just a voice in my head that I can choose to acknowledge or not). I was afraid of what would happen. But now I kind of wonder if it would actually be BETTER if he did this 'in real life' rather than on the internet. I'd worried that he'd be a threat, do horrible things, be the little bastard I expected him to be from the moment he had control.

But it wasn't like that at all. It was weird, observing him while he was 'in control'. For much of the time, he really didn't do much at all. He just seemed amazed, almost awed even, over the fact that he had a form and the ability to feel/sense again. He spent literal hours just staring at his (my) hand, or picking up an object and rotating it, or staring out of the window. Sometimes he just seemed like he was thinking, although I don't know about what because I couldn't read his mind any more than any other observer would have been able to. Every now and then I got the sense that he was just really happy to be alive, to exist. Screw who or what he is, he just wanted to live. Like an innocent child, he seemed to see beauty in everything, as if seeing or experiencing it for the first time. It was like watching someone slowly awakening from a coma.

I never felt threatened, except for at one point late that night when (after being goaded by Jei's Scourge x.o) he found Jei's scalpel tool. It's really frickin' sharp, and he was just playing with it. He pressed the blade against his (my) wrist to the point of pain and a red mark, but then he just sorta smirked and set it down again without cutting me. I was relieved, to say the least.

He didn't do much else except for argue a little with Jei. He was kind of obsessed with trying to get her Scourge riled up. On the surface it seemed like he just wanted a confrontation, but I think the underlying motive was the same as the clumsy posts he hashed out in my journal. If he could get Scourge to be 'real', to 'front', to 'take over' Jei, then he would also be safe.

For what it's worth, I think HE honestly believes he is Miles (a Miles, anyway). But more than anything else, during that time, I really just saw an awakening person (it could be anyone) who doesn't want to die or lose the chance to be in control of their own body and mind.

He hates me. He honestly does, and it's made worse by a) his preconceptions about 'me' (I'm no more canonically the 'Tails' he claims to have known than he is canonically 'Miles' from the comics) and b) the fact that this IS my body, my world, my life.

I can't NOT see him as a person. But I know better now than to expect anyone else to see things the way I do or to expect help from people who I mostly barely know and who probably laugh at my so-called 'soulbond', my amateurishness, his amateurishness.

I want... I dunno. I don't know how to help him when I know he REALLY doesn't want my help. But no one else will.

One thing I won't do again is let him post in my journal. Okay, so maybe I couldn't actually stop him, but after this, I doubt he would. The whole thing frustrated him a lot, I think, and he probably won't wanna make the effort to try again, even if he might get better at it over time. I'm sure that if people expected me to be a certain way and I came across poorly because I wasn't used to the medium AND I wasn't really like the person they expected-- ah, heck, I'm sure it's that way all the time. I'm nothing like any 'canon' Tails, yet I believe wholeheartedly that he is me. I am a flawed and confused human being, and, right now, Miles is that AND new at it. I'd say "give him time" but the better solution is "give him space", I think.

There is NO reason for him to be posting in my LJ anyway. My LJ is my own, he has one, he can use it if he wants. Yet I feel like the perfect place would be if I could still... mention him in my posts, talk about him like any other roommate, and even perhaps let him annotate my entries with his stupid pseudo-random italics if he so wished. For both our sakes, if no one else's.

He worries me a little in that I wish he WAS more canon. He's more messed up than me, and that's saying something. I feel like if I go into detail, it would a) seem even MORE like bad fanfic and b) be a horrible invasion of his privacy. But yes, his world may be similar, events, people, places... but he's as flawed as I am and, I think, really struggling with the situation he's in. He doesn't need to be trolled. Fuck, troll ME guys; leave him alone (in b4 SAME DIFF, you are the same batshit person get help lol).

I feel odd... strangely surreal and feeling as though I should be more upset over what happened. But watching someone taste the world for the first time in god knows how long... shit, it moved me. I never knew that Miles could seem so innocent and in awe of such simple things. But then again, I make the same mistake as anyone else. I expect him to be 'Miles from the comics', when really all he can be is just 'Miles', whoever Miles is.

In closing, I think perhaps the best place for him is NOT paraded across the internet, but rather simply given the chance to 'be' in all aspects of life. Why shouldn't he have a life as normal as mine? Granted, I don't know what the fuck he'll do with my stupid boring unchallenging life, but right now if he wants to pace around my room or rifle through my books or eat a sandwich, then why shouldn't he? Online isn't a life. Online is just one small narrow medium, and a person can't exist just inside the internet.

I think it would be very good for me AND for him to get off the internet for a while. I can let him 'front' (or he can just take it, whatever), the world doesn't need to watch every moment, and trolls ain't gonna troll. I have to admit I'm also really curious as to what would happen if Jei got to that stage with her Scourge. Maybe they'd kill each other (and us in the process x.x), but hopefully the limitations of this world and of US would put a safety cap on things.

This post is stupid and probably comes across as a huge "LOL Jai just can't let it go ROFL attention whore". I don't care. I'm the world's biggest hypocrite, I know. And the world's most pathetic bleeding heart. If it were the other way around, I have no doubt that he'd do everything in his power to be rid of me. I can't kid myself into thinking he's actually not so bad once you get to know him, because he really is a git. But if he's as real as he damn well seems to be, if only to me, he deserves to live, doesn't he?


I'm not sure if this is a) going to be ignored, b) going to be trolled, c) going to be actually conducive to things and helpful or d) gonna make me regret writing it by tomorrow morning. Selective screening is on to avoid me waking up to potential dramus ^^;

Comments

[tangyabominy.livejournal.com]

I get you. I really do. It would take me forever to quote all the parts where I get you (though I'd do it if it helped?) But yeah... I can understand, for one thing, your desire to make a post that's all "Miles isn't real" and one that's all "Miles is real". For one thing, it's a liminal space, where this stuff affects you for srs and yet you have no way of proving it, so it's reasonable (and healthy) to want to take both sides. Pretending that you're sure it's one or the other would be self-deception. You have to look at the issue from both sides at once, and it seems like you have that covered.

He sounds forced at times because I think he is. My brain fills in the gaps in an incredibly formulaic and stilted way, sometimes not even making true grammatical sense.

Yeah, no, I get that. One of our headpeople speaks in this really stilted kind of way that makes her sound like... a translation, or something. Not a bad translation, exactly, just, she'll say things like, "but if it's that way, then you can believe, right?" It's not ungrammatical, but she talks like subtitles, and it's weird because she's not even canonically Japanese. :P And sometimes people's voices just aren't clear at all and you end up fudging it because you want them to say something. And sometimes it sounds silly. I've angsted over that before.

But ultimately... this is something in you that wants a voice. And it's up to you to work out when and how you want to express that. But if you do choose to, then you should be able to. Ain't up to no trolls, haters or whatev to tell you how you should and shouldn't be expressing stuff for your best mental health/comfort/happiness.

So work out for yourself where you stand. I think everything you said both in the last post and this sounds sane, sounds like you're really thinking it out. Honestly, the point in all of this where you've sounded least sane and healthy is the part where you're going, "yeah, I know I'm a lame awful hypocrite and I suck and fail lololol". Y'ain't being a hypocrite, you're saying it how it is and that's healthy and honest. You accept that it's going to help to back away from some things, but you also care about those things and you want to find ways to work them into your life that won't be destructive or that you can deal with better. And even if there has to be compromise, you still want to pay some respects to those things somehow and acknowledge the impact they've had on you. That's brave and it's fair.

You sound like you're working things out. You're doing it very vocally and as it happens, which means that not all of it sounds rational and you're going to backtrack and change your mind. But that's part of recording your thought processes as you think them. Everyone does it, it's just more visible because you're writing it down. I think there's a lot of learning and growing that I'm seeing, here, and a lot of sense in the midst of heard times.

So yeah. Haters gonna hate, but I think you're brave and smart, and I get it.

[sletia.livejournal.com]

Hn...
For what it's worth, I consider him a friend of mine and I do care much for him. I care about you, too, and that whole thing butts heads, y'know, because you constantly fight with each other.
He does deserve freedom, and that's a hard thing to swallow when you're in one body. But yeah, even though we've been through a regular emotional roller coaster, you, me, and him, in the end, I care about both of you, even if the feeling isn't mutual. I do feel a kinship with him, even if I loathe to admit it. He's.. something I am so far deep and buried in my soul and I enjoy his company. I see my past in him. I see the side of me that can't seem to manifest in this lifetime. We share similar interests. I didn't want to say it in the last post you made, but honestly I hope he doesn't go away. :x I know he's hard on you, but.. damnit, I still like the guy. I'm not obsessed anymore, but I don't hate him in the least. I hope you both can co-exist and live your lives.

[way-past-cool.livejournal.com]

Phew! Very long... but not TL;DR, at least not for me. It was really good to read all of that and try to understand what's going on with you and with Miles.

The two days that Miles had 'control' were really jarring, but not always totally bad, which was the surprising thing. I missed you like hell, and it was scary not being able to reach you... but there were also times when talking to him wasn't so bad. When we actually listened to each other instead of provoking each other, it was pretty good. He's not a mindless villain... he's not constantly out to be 'bad'. He's Miles, messed up for sure but not unreachbly crazy or cruel. Like you say... he was just Miles. Not Miles the evil genius of Moebius. And when he dropped his guard and told me he was scared... I believed him. I mean, he could have been playing me. For all I know, maybe he was, but it felt real. It felt like he really was scared to be shoved back down and ignored, not able to really live. So I was open to the idea that maybe he should have his chance, and maybe we should both be open to it...

And then Scourge flared up. I really don't know what to do about it... they set each other off so badly... Miles was reasonable UNTIL he tried to provoke Scourge, and then when Scourge was finally provoked, it took all I had to edge back in there. It's weird with Scourge... most of the time he IS laid back. He's not in any hurry to be in the driver's seat, which is weird because you'd think being the way he is, wanting to rule everything, he'd jump on that in an instant. But now I'm starting to think he sits back and relaxes like he's lounging in his thrown. Like he already knows he could step up whenever he'd like... that he's not worried or scared or insecure in any way. He doesn't believe I could really stop him, and so he's happy to stretch out and chill. But I also know he hates when Miles doubts him... which is why he seems to flare up when he's being accused. I can feel the seething when I think it, but it's easy to see how a confidence like that would be so easy to overthrow. Anyway... enough about Scourge...

I think we need to work this thing out... I hope you'll talk more with me about it, about both of them. As much as I think he can be a horrifying asshole... I dunno x.o I don't wanna totally screw him over, you know?

Anyway, don't worry so much about going back and forth over this in your LJ. If anyone who reads this thinks less of you for changing your mind and rethinking your views, then they obviously have never faced an issue in their life that really confused them. You have every right to have an intial knee-jerk reaction to something, then step back, re-evaluate, and come to another conclusion. That's life.

[prismmoogle.livejournal.com]

Posting in agreement of that last little tidbit!

TL;DR is for pansies, anyway.

[prismmoogle.livejournal.com]

I keep going back and forth on whether or not to post something here. Everytime I start I get caught up doing something else, and that throws my train of thought all over the place.

There's really not too much for me to say. I already know that it's only natural to go back and forth and back and forth with your thoughts in any sort of situation like this. No one worth their salt will really berate you for having second, third, fourth thoughts. Explore the options you want to - it's all good. Just don't go breaking any laws or killing people, m'kay? x3

"But ultimately... this is something in you that wants a voice. And it's up to you to work out when and how you want to express that. But if you do choose to, then you should be able to. Ain't up to no trolls, haters or whatev to tell you how you should and shouldn't be expressing stuff for your best mental health/comfort/happiness."

This is really well said. If there's anything a bystander like me is going to get out of this, this is it.

Okay, to hell with it. Too many other things distracting me - I'm not gonna get anything worthy of being read typed up here, but I did want to let you know I read it and don't think you're some attention whore or anything like that. Confusing things are confusing, and sometimes they just need to be talked out. You're willing to listen to others (at least it seems so), so that tells me you're still a-okay in my book. Sleep well!

Celebi for cuteness/happiness factor!

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

>>I get you. I really do. It would take me forever to quote all the parts where I get you (though I'd do it if it helped?) But yeah... I can understand, for one thing, your desire to make a post that's all "Miles isn't real" and one that's all "Miles is real". For one thing, it's a liminal space, where this stuff affects you for srs and yet you have no way of proving it, so it's reasonable (and healthy) to want to take both sides. Pretending that you're sure it's one or the other would be self-deception. You have to look at the issue from both sides at once, and it seems like you have that covered.

It's kind of a logic vs emotion thing, I guess. I can't shut down either side and they'll always conflict, but at least I know that I'm not just clinging to one and ignoring the other ^^; Even if it means I'll probably never have an absolute resolution.

>>He sounds forced at times because I think he is. My brain fills in the gaps in an incredibly formulaic and stilted way, sometimes not even making true grammatical sense.

Yeah, no, I get that. One of our headpeople speaks in this really stilted kind of way that makes her sound like... a translation, or something. Not a bad translation, exactly, just, she'll say things like, "but if it's that way, then you can believe, right?" It's not ungrammatical, but she talks like subtitles, and it's weird because she's not even canonically Japanese. :P And sometimes people's voices just aren't clear at all and you end up fudging it because you want them to say something. And sometimes it sounds silly. I've angsted over that before.

He has an odd turn of phrase anyway, and it's not the way I speak, so I suppose that it doesn't come naturally to my brain to type it out. Especially when written text isn't the same as spoken language. It's been interesting watching how his language started to gradually become a little more colloquial over time. I'm not sure if it'll change much more, but it's interesting, yeah.

>>But ultimately... this is something in you that wants a voice. And it's up to you to work out when and how you want to express that. But if you do choose to, then you should be able to. Ain't up to no trolls, haters or whatev to tell you how you should and shouldn't be expressing stuff for your best mental health/comfort/happiness.

Not only is this absolutely true, but in fact I only get the occasional troll anyway. Perhaps two different individuals, three at most, and not all that often. I've had way more supportive comments, even from anons n.n;

>>So work out for yourself where you stand. I think everything you said both in the last post and this sounds sane, sounds like you're really thinking it out. Honestly, the point in all of this where you've sounded least sane and healthy is the part where you're going, "yeah, I know I'm a lame awful hypocrite and I suck and fail lololol". Y'ain't being a hypocrite, you're saying it how it is and that's healthy and honest. You accept that it's going to help to back away from some things, but you also care about those things and you want to find ways to work them into your life that won't be destructive or that you can deal with better. And even if there has to be compromise, you still want to pay some respects to those things somehow and acknowledge the impact they've had on you. That's brave and it's fair.

Thanks. It helps to hear that perspective ^^

>>You sound like you're working things out. You're doing it very vocally and as it happens, which means that not all of it sounds rational and you're going to backtrack and change your mind. But that's part of recording your thought processes as you think them. Everyone does it, it's just more visible because you're writing it down. I think there's a lot of learning and growing that I'm seeing, here, and a lot of sense in the midst of heard times.

I suppose in the end that's kinda what my LJ is for. Typing stuff up helps me to put it in perspective, especially when I re-read it a few times and get helpful comments on it (:

>>So yeah. Haters gonna hate, but I think you're brave and smart, and I get it.

Awesome ^^ Thanks.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I know the whole situation has put you in a difficult place a few times ^^; I never wanted to make you choose between us. I guess in more immature moments I feel like "I was here first! I should have the most rights!" but... I guess it's really not as black and white as that. Even if he'd never do the same for me, I can't help feeling guilty at the thought of trying to suppress him or kick him out @_@;

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

>>Phew! Very long... but not TL;DR, at least not for me. It was really good to read all of that and try to understand what's going on with you and with Miles.

It was cathartic to type it up n.n; It was playing heavily on my mind ever since the whole blank-out thing.

>>The two days that Miles had 'control' were really jarring, but not always totally bad, which was the surprising thing. [...] So I was open to the idea that maybe he should have his chance, and maybe we should both be open to it...

Yeah, I think seeing that more 'human' (not really the right word, but you know what I mean) side to him was kind of a turning point. I thought it was pretty interesting how you guys just... talked. When you talked about Moebius and the whole 'Prime' theory, and then when Miles told you how he's scared about what will happen when you come home... It was the closest thing I've seen to him treating someone with a degree of respect. I suppose he really has no reason to hate you, but I guess I kind of expected him to be petty and hate you anyway (like he does with me :P). But you almost seemed to... get along, I guess, at times. It was kind of an eye-opener n.n;

>>And then Scourge flared up. I really don't know what to do about it... they set each other off so badly... [...] But I also know he hates when Miles doubts him... which is why he seems to flare up when he's being accused. I can feel the seething when I think it, but it's easy to see how a confidence like that would be so easy to overthrow. Anyway... enough about Scourge...

Oh lordy n.n; That was intense. The whole thing about the No Zone... yikes. Miles was REALLY trying to push his buttons, and then Scourge pushed right back, and then the thing with the scalpel... I'm glad he decided to just throw it in my suitcase and go to bed after that. I'm hoping he'll realize that he can't be too destructive to my body if he wants to use it as his own. I'm a little more concerned about what will happen if they're both fronting when we're together... but... I don't wanna start trying to draw chalk lines on the pavement as to what they can and can't do. I guess we'll have to just let things happen and see where it goes, if we decide to give them more control.

>>I think we need to work this thing out... I hope you'll talk more with me about it, about both of them. As much as I think he can be a horrifying asshole... I dunno x.o I don't wanna totally screw him over, you know?

I might be completely wrong, but I expect that Scourge might not be totally unreasonable at core, either. He's a mighty asshole, that's for sure, but they feel like real people, maybe less two-dimensional than we sometimes tend to think of them. It makes it harder to just be all "Well they're assholes anyway so why give them the chance to be even bigger assholes?" when you think of them just as people... nasty people, maybe, but still people with real emotions and the desire to live n.n;

>>Anyway, don't worry so much about going back and forth over this in your LJ. If anyone who reads this thinks less of you for changing your mind and rethinking your views, then they obviously have never faced an issue in their life that really confused them. You have every right to have an intial knee-jerk reaction to something, then step back, re-evaluate, and come to another conclusion. That's life.

Yeah, I guess you're right n.n And if I didn't agree on some level, I wouldn't post it here. Tankuu for the awesome reply, shmoo. I hope we can talk about it more later! n.n

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

>>I keep going back and forth on whether or not to post something here. Everytime I start I get caught up doing something else, and that throws my train of thought all over the place.

No worries, Lunar (: It's cool just knowing you read my crazy ramblings and that you don't just write me off as totally insane.

>>There's really not too much for me to say. I already know that it's only natural to go back and forth and back and forth with your thoughts in any sort of situation like this. No one worth their salt will really berate you for having second, third, fourth thoughts.

Yeah, this seems to be the best advice people are giving me. It's okay to back-and-forth about this stuff ^^; Which is good, 'cause typing it all up like this really helps.

>>Explore the options you want to - it's all good. Just don't go breaking any laws or killing people, m'kay? x3

I'll try my best XD; I'd like to think that I'll always have enough of myself left inside to prevent anything like that happening. There'll be ground rules if Miles wants to regularly 'front', that's for sure :P

>>"But ultimately... this is something in you that wants a voice. And it's up to you to work out when and how you want to express that. But if you do choose to, then you should be able to. Ain't up to no trolls, haters or whatev to tell you how you should and shouldn't be expressing stuff for your best mental health/comfort/happiness."

This is really well said. If there's anything a bystander like me is going to get out of this, this is it.

tangyabominy usually post excellent advice and insights on my 'kin-related posts (: I agree it was well-said too.

>>Okay, to hell with it. Too many other things distracting me - I'm not gonna get anything worthy of being read typed up here, but I did want to let you know I read it and don't think you're some attention whore or anything like that. Confusing things are confusing, and sometimes they just need to be talked out. You're willing to listen to others (at least it seems so), so that tells me you're still a-okay in my book. Sleep well!

Like I said, I don't need novels from you (: It's just nice to hear from ya.

>>Celebi for cuteness/happiness factor!

Yay! ♥

[sletia.livejournal.com]

When you said in your entry that no one in your f-list cared about him, I just wanted to make it clear somebody does. :/ I guess it's a little stupid to feel like this considering he doesn't feel the same way.

[tragic-elegance.livejournal.com]

I don't have any solid advice to give, but just posting to say I read.

[twitchytwitch.livejournal.com]

He sounds forced at times because I think he is. My brain fills in the gaps in an incredibly formulaic and stilted way, sometimes not even making true grammatical sense.

I can understand that.

I'm not a soul-bonder or anything of the sort, but when I do roleplay, I can have a character's voice perfectly in my head, but it translates badly into text sometimes.

My problem would be that I hear the character's voice in Japanese and, while I manage most of the time, at others, I cannot convey all the same meanings in English. It's worse if something has no English equivalent.

The best part is when it's a character from a show that has no subs, so I don't even know how the pros would go about translating things (and even then, I often take issue with subs!), so while I might hear a character's voice clearly in my head, the translation to English would be my own clumsiness ruining the voice.

The way this "Miles" reacted to having his own body was indeed heartbreaking, but... it could easily get dangerous if he's allowed access to your body. The way you described his movements and behavour, he acts like an innocent child.

But no matter how innocent, children are curious and a danger to themselves and others unsupervised. He could just as easily get curious about something dangerous, now, couldn't he? If you can't take your body back then, he might do something like burn the house down when he was just trying out your stove. Or get into a fight with Jei's Scourge or something. o_o;

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

It's appreciated (:

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

>>I can understand that.

I'm not a soul-bonder or anything of the sort, but when I do roleplay, I can have a character's voice perfectly in my head, but it translates badly into text sometimes.

My problem would be that I hear the character's voice in Japanese and, while I manage most of the time, at others, I cannot convey all the same meanings in English. It's worse if something has no English equivalent.

The best part is when it's a character from a show that has no subs, so I don't even know how the pros would go about translating things (and even then, I often take issue with subs!), so while I might hear a character's voice clearly in my head, the translation to English would be my own clumsiness ruining the voice.

Makes sense ^^ Projecting a character's voice when you're not exactly sure how they would sound in your own language (or if you've never heard them speak) can be difficult. I'm sure it happens with soulbonders, muses, writers, role-players...

>>The way this "Miles" reacted to having his own body was indeed heartbreaking, but... it could easily get dangerous if he's allowed access to your body. The way you described his movements and behavour, he acts like an innocent child.

But no matter how innocent, children are curious and a danger to themselves and others unsupervised. He could just as easily get curious about something dangerous, now, couldn't he? If you can't take your body back then, he might do something like burn the house down when he was just trying out your stove. Or get into a fight with Jei's Scourge or something. o_o;

Hm, well... it's not as though he's never had a body before (or at least, he knows how to use one). He's just been unable to use one for a long time and he was kinda pushed back there without being able to make full use of my senses etc, so I guess 'waking up' and having all of that back was good for him.

He knows how to do stuff. He's just experimenting with doing it all. Today he just wanted to listen to psychedelic trance music all evening @_@

Having said that, he IS clumsier than me, I noticed. He was in the kitchen just earlier making a hot drink and he was just bumping into EVERYTHING and knocking things over ^^; I think that's because he's just not used to my body yet, though. I'm much bigger and heavier than his usual 80cm height XD

The point about Scourge is a good one, though. D:

[shadowdingo.livejournal.com]

Read this on the way to Narberth and have been spending most of the day trying to think of some advice or helpful words I could give to you.

I'm afraid I don't really have anything to say that would be of any help though. I'm not really too clued up with the issues of 'kins and soulbonds etc. so my knowledge on the issues is a bit blurry. I guess, this is more of a 'Post read and considered, but afraid Jade's brain came at a big blank for advice' comment. ^^;

Offer still stands if you need me though. I can't promise to be of much help advising, but sometimes just talking about it can help a bit.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Jade (: As always, it means a lot.

[sletia.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you're letting him be free. *hug* You're a sweet person, at the core. :) The idea of being trapped in someone's mind, unable to move.. scares the hell out of me. x.o

[(Anonymous)]

Hmm... I didn't read much of this at all. I was wondering if you had any messengers. In case you're wondering who I am, I'm the person on eBay you had a bidding war with over the Tails clock about two years ago.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Hmm, I don't remember that incident specifically, but it sounds about right, lol.

I'm 'Lil Bud Tails' on AIM and flyboyfox@gmail.com for MSN and gTalk (:

[(Anonymous)]

I don't think this is very crazy at all. At least not retarded-crazy in the "LOL I'M CUTTING MY FACE OPEN BECAUSE I'M PERFECTLY IN CONTROL OF MYSELF" sense the last time you had some kind of freak out. DID/MPD/etc., is a perfectly livable condition for those that can learn to deal in a healthy way, and if it helps you cope with your life, then more power to you. You seem to be getting along fine with it for the time being.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Thank you, helpful anon (: I agree, my methods of coping in the past have been far from ideal x.o I suppose mental anomalies don't NEED to be an illness if the person dealing with 'em can still live a healthy normal life in all other respects ^^;

[(Anonymous)]

These are different aspects of your personality which are incongruent. This is not unusual at all. It is considered by some to be quite healthy. Calm people can explode into rages of furious anger, behaviour quite abnormal by standards typical of them. It is not possible to suppress your inner feeling indefinitely, and it is certainly preferable for you to vent these other aspects of your personality as you experience them than it is to bottle up these incongruities and for you to snap later.

Continue to vent because it is a fabulous ability you have here. By vocalisation of your feelings like this, it is then possible for you to read or discuss yourself as thoughts objectively rather than feelings subjective.
You are attempting to explain the 'dark side' of your personality which the rest of us have only dreams as our insight. The sub-conscious adoption of alto-egos is a tool for you to investigate these other mental aspects. Whether you are right or wrong with what you write, it is always beneficial - you establish a framework with which you can actively interrogate yourself. This is a kick start in forging your character. Now is the time in your life to try which ego fits you best - makes more sense to adopt the most appropriate one now, rather than discover it at 60 and have only ten years of the most fitting !

I say good on you; and Flyboy, and Tails, and Miles and Jai and Scourge. Under the name of whomever is most appropriate. We care about 'you' - who ever that is....

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Thank you (: In that case I will carry on doing what I've been doing.

I suppose in the end it doesn't really matter if Miles is a separate entity from myself or simply another part of me... I should treat it/him with equal respect anyway and allow him/it to exist.

'Scourge' is not mine (he belongs to my partner), and 'Flyboy' and 'Jai' are essentially the same person, but the sentiment is much appreciated.

[(Anonymous)]

Apologies for my mistake, but I maintain, that those which are actually you (!!) are aspects of sub-conscious and you express those facets through projection of these personas. Humans are quite well adept at adapting to what ever situation we find ourselves in and as sheep, we do not question the roles often forced upon us and live the lives of people we dont want to be. Like wearing different clothes, try them on, live with them for a bit, realise _that one_ makes you bum look big, change, refine, refine and refine.
It is wonderful that your emotional intelligence is such that you can empathise with the effect each of your aspects elicits in others.
Thumbs up !

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the support, again, appreciated (: I'll work with it, see what happens, and maybe learn a little more about myself in the process! XD