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flyboy_fox... in which Jai can't ever seem to shut up, wants to find a happy medium, and wonders what the hell a 'soulbond' even really is.
Disclaimer: This is going to seem like I'm suddenly going back on everything I said in my last post. But I want to say my piece from both sides. This is the piece where I take the same issues as before, but assume this time that 'Miles' IS real. Also this is long and rambly and I'm falling asleep so zzzzz.
Yes, I am going to talk about Miles again. Yes, I'm going to sound like a lunatic. Yes, this is cathartic for me. And yes, it's under a cut so that those who are uninterested can just skip right past.
The tl;dr of this post can basically be summed up as: Jai is a sentimental and confused moron who doesn't really care who else actually believes in/acknowledges his strange muse, yet feels oddly alone because Jai has never quite gelled with the fic'kin community and really kind of wishes he could talk to people more easily. As stressed as he is about everything, Jai still does not feel that Miles is a 'roleplay' (even a 'piss-poor' one), but rather a clumsy and noobish facet acting out of justified fear of repression. Jai would like to justify Miles' canon OoCness and difficulty in coming across well, but knows it probably just sounds like excuses. Jai wishes he could stick to his guns and just move on, but now he feels horrible and oddly guilty and needs to figure this out. However, Jai is also determined to get his fucking life back on track, and acknowledges the importance of his mental health, therefore is still going to take aforementioned breaks and DO STUFF other than sit and think.
I'm just going to ramble now. I'm also going to treat Miles as an actual person for the majority of this post. That's gonna clash horribly with my last post, but bear with me. Please.
The past couple of days should have scared me. My last post kind of indicated a freak-out, but it was more just frustration. When you deal with something alone, knowing that most of the people you know aren't going to take it seriously, it gets frustrating. The worst part is that you know that people have every RIGHT to laugh at you, pick you apart, accuse you of being an attention-seeker with incredibly poor role-playing skills. That's exactly what it looks like, and nobody outside can get inside your head and see, hear or feel what you see, hear and feel. Miles could be the most real thing I've ever experienced, and I could tell you sincerely that I'm not just 'acting' (poorly), but if it doesn't translate well into text, he DOES just look like bad fanfiction.
Miles functions better when he's talking direct to someone, that much is obvious. It's more like speech, it flows better, is far more natural. He's not used to 'blogging', and he's not used to complete 'fronting' (as opposed to me just typing up what he says). His thoughts translate to text in a really odd and stilted manner, fragmented at times and overly formal, even for him. It was much worse to begin with. He didn't use ANY contractions. Then later, he started using them, but he still sounded like a... computer, I guess. That's how Jei put it. He sounds forced at times because I think he is. My brain fills in the gaps in an incredibly formulaic and stilted way, sometimes not even making true grammatical sense.
He ganked my journal because he was scared. The thought of being locked up again at the back of my mind when Jei gets home must have been terrifying to him. He wasn't trying to convince anyone that he's the Real Canon Miles. He wasn't trying to impress anyone. I really think he just wanted to know how to avoid being relegated to a non-entity when the status quo gets shaken up again. But of course, why should anyone care? No one knows him. He's not friends with anyone on my list and there's no reason for anyone to validate him or pay him any heed. It was, I'm sure, a shot in the dark that naturally reaped no results and just pulled the trolls in. He looked like he was trying too hard, and to be honest he probably was. If I pick up a rusted and bent tin whistle and blow into it, nothing like music will come out, even if I'm the world's best musician. And if Miles tries to use my brain to project himself openly without being used to that way of operating, he won't translate over very well either.
I sort of... wished for him to talk to other soulbonds. I felt maybe that would help. But of course he doesn't know anyone on my list, and no one was likely to pay him any attention anyway. I doubt it bothers him, but I felt a little sad. My position on the fringes automatically ostracises him from the soulbond community. I am an asshole who didn't believe in soulbonds so it's no wonder that most of the soulbond community will (understandably) tar him with the same brush as me and not want to help either of us. I have no doubt that some people may even believe that I invented him just so that I could get 'in' on that group... That's far from the case, but an understandable assumption nevertheless.
If I sound like I feel almost sorry for him... even after he locked me out of my own mind for more than 36 hours... well, perhaps I do. Those 36 hours were some of the strangest of my life, but I actually, oddly, wasn't afraid. The whole time, I didn't actually feel anything. It was like I existed, but I had no access to any of my normal functions. No access to my emotions, or to movement or even contemplation. I felt, the whole time, like I was watching from the back seat, sedated but not unconscious. I wondered if that's what it was like for him at the back of my mind.
I know that in previous posts I worried over what would happen if he could front, physically (i.e. become the 'owner' of my body rather than just a voice in my head that I can choose to acknowledge or not). I was afraid of what would happen. But now I kind of wonder if it would actually be BETTER if he did this 'in real life' rather than on the internet. I'd worried that he'd be a threat, do horrible things, be the little bastard I expected him to be from the moment he had control.
But it wasn't like that at all. It was weird, observing him while he was 'in control'. For much of the time, he really didn't do much at all. He just seemed amazed, almost awed even, over the fact that he had a form and the ability to feel/sense again. He spent literal hours just staring at his (my) hand, or picking up an object and rotating it, or staring out of the window. Sometimes he just seemed like he was thinking, although I don't know about what because I couldn't read his mind any more than any other observer would have been able to. Every now and then I got the sense that he was just really happy to be alive, to exist. Screw who or what he is, he just wanted to live. Like an innocent child, he seemed to see beauty in everything, as if seeing or experiencing it for the first time. It was like watching someone slowly awakening from a coma.
I never felt threatened, except for at one point late that night when (after being goaded by Jei's Scourge x.o) he found Jei's scalpel tool. It's really frickin' sharp, and he was just playing with it. He pressed the blade against his (my) wrist to the point of pain and a red mark, but then he just sorta smirked and set it down again without cutting me. I was relieved, to say the least.
He didn't do much else except for argue a little with Jei. He was kind of obsessed with trying to get her Scourge riled up. On the surface it seemed like he just wanted a confrontation, but I think the underlying motive was the same as the clumsy posts he hashed out in my journal. If he could get Scourge to be 'real', to 'front', to 'take over' Jei, then he would also be safe.
For what it's worth, I think HE honestly believes he is Miles (a Miles, anyway). But more than anything else, during that time, I really just saw an awakening person (it could be anyone) who doesn't want to die or lose the chance to be in control of their own body and mind.
He hates me. He honestly does, and it's made worse by a) his preconceptions about 'me' (I'm no more canonically the 'Tails' he claims to have known than he is canonically 'Miles' from the comics) and b) the fact that this IS my body, my world, my life.
I can't NOT see him as a person. But I know better now than to expect anyone else to see things the way I do or to expect help from people who I mostly barely know and who probably laugh at my so-called 'soulbond', my amateurishness, his amateurishness.
I want... I dunno. I don't know how to help him when I know he REALLY doesn't want my help. But no one else will.
One thing I won't do again is let him post in my journal. Okay, so maybe I couldn't actually stop him, but after this, I doubt he would. The whole thing frustrated him a lot, I think, and he probably won't wanna make the effort to try again, even if he might get better at it over time. I'm sure that if people expected me to be a certain way and I came across poorly because I wasn't used to the medium AND I wasn't really like the person they expected-- ah, heck, I'm sure it's that way all the time. I'm nothing like any 'canon' Tails, yet I believe wholeheartedly that he is me. I am a flawed and confused human being, and, right now, Miles is that AND new at it. I'd say "give him time" but the better solution is "give him space", I think.
There is NO reason for him to be posting in my LJ anyway. My LJ is my own, he has one, he can use it if he wants. Yet I feel like the perfect place would be if I could still... mention him in my posts, talk about him like any other roommate, and even perhaps let him annotate my entries with his stupid pseudo-random italics if he so wished. For both our sakes, if no one else's.
He worries me a little in that I wish he WAS more canon. He's more messed up than me, and that's saying something. I feel like if I go into detail, it would a) seem even MORE like bad fanfic and b) be a horrible invasion of his privacy. But yes, his world may be similar, events, people, places... but he's as flawed as I am and, I think, really struggling with the situation he's in. He doesn't need to be trolled. Fuck, troll ME guys; leave him alone (in b4 SAME DIFF, you are the same batshit person get help lol).
I feel odd... strangely surreal and feeling as though I should be more upset over what happened. But watching someone taste the world for the first time in god knows how long... shit, it moved me. I never knew that Miles could seem so innocent and in awe of such simple things. But then again, I make the same mistake as anyone else. I expect him to be 'Miles from the comics', when really all he can be is just 'Miles', whoever Miles is.
In closing, I think perhaps the best place for him is NOT paraded across the internet, but rather simply given the chance to 'be' in all aspects of life. Why shouldn't he have a life as normal as mine? Granted, I don't know what the fuck he'll do with my stupid boring unchallenging life, but right now if he wants to pace around my room or rifle through my books or eat a sandwich, then why shouldn't he? Online isn't a life. Online is just one small narrow medium, and a person can't exist just inside the internet.
I think it would be very good for me AND for him to get off the internet for a while. I can let him 'front' (or he can just take it, whatever), the world doesn't need to watch every moment, and trolls ain't gonna troll. I have to admit I'm also really curious as to what would happen if Jei got to that stage with her Scourge. Maybe they'd kill each other (and us in the process x.x), but hopefully the limitations of this world and of US would put a safety cap on things.
This post is stupid and probably comes across as a huge "LOL Jai just can't let it go ROFL attention whore". I don't care. I'm the world's biggest hypocrite, I know. And the world's most pathetic bleeding heart. If it were the other way around, I have no doubt that he'd do everything in his power to be rid of me. I can't kid myself into thinking he's actually not so bad once you get to know him, because he really is a git. But if he's as real as he damn well seems to be, if only to me, he deserves to live, doesn't he?
I'm not sure if this is a) going to be ignored, b) going to be trolled, c) going to be actually conducive to things and helpful or d) gonna make me regret writing it by tomorrow morning. Selective screening is on to avoid me waking up to potential dramus ^^;
Disclaimer: This is going to seem like I'm suddenly going back on everything I said in my last post. But I want to say my piece from both sides. This is the piece where I take the same issues as before, but assume this time that 'Miles' IS real. Also this is long and rambly and I'm falling asleep so zzzzz.
Yes, I am going to talk about Miles again. Yes, I'm going to sound like a lunatic. Yes, this is cathartic for me. And yes, it's under a cut so that those who are uninterested can just skip right past.
The tl;dr of this post can basically be summed up as: Jai is a sentimental and confused moron who doesn't really care who else actually believes in/acknowledges his strange muse, yet feels oddly alone because Jai has never quite gelled with the fic'kin community and really kind of wishes he could talk to people more easily. As stressed as he is about everything, Jai still does not feel that Miles is a 'roleplay' (even a 'piss-poor' one), but rather a clumsy and noobish facet acting out of justified fear of repression. Jai would like to justify Miles' canon OoCness and difficulty in coming across well, but knows it probably just sounds like excuses. Jai wishes he could stick to his guns and just move on, but now he feels horrible and oddly guilty and needs to figure this out. However, Jai is also determined to get his fucking life back on track, and acknowledges the importance of his mental health, therefore is still going to take aforementioned breaks and DO STUFF other than sit and think.
I'm just going to ramble now. I'm also going to treat Miles as an actual person for the majority of this post. That's gonna clash horribly with my last post, but bear with me. Please.
The past couple of days should have scared me. My last post kind of indicated a freak-out, but it was more just frustration. When you deal with something alone, knowing that most of the people you know aren't going to take it seriously, it gets frustrating. The worst part is that you know that people have every RIGHT to laugh at you, pick you apart, accuse you of being an attention-seeker with incredibly poor role-playing skills. That's exactly what it looks like, and nobody outside can get inside your head and see, hear or feel what you see, hear and feel. Miles could be the most real thing I've ever experienced, and I could tell you sincerely that I'm not just 'acting' (poorly), but if it doesn't translate well into text, he DOES just look like bad fanfiction.
Miles functions better when he's talking direct to someone, that much is obvious. It's more like speech, it flows better, is far more natural. He's not used to 'blogging', and he's not used to complete 'fronting' (as opposed to me just typing up what he says). His thoughts translate to text in a really odd and stilted manner, fragmented at times and overly formal, even for him. It was much worse to begin with. He didn't use ANY contractions. Then later, he started using them, but he still sounded like a... computer, I guess. That's how Jei put it. He sounds forced at times because I think he is. My brain fills in the gaps in an incredibly formulaic and stilted way, sometimes not even making true grammatical sense.
He ganked my journal because he was scared. The thought of being locked up again at the back of my mind when Jei gets home must have been terrifying to him. He wasn't trying to convince anyone that he's the Real Canon Miles. He wasn't trying to impress anyone. I really think he just wanted to know how to avoid being relegated to a non-entity when the status quo gets shaken up again. But of course, why should anyone care? No one knows him. He's not friends with anyone on my list and there's no reason for anyone to validate him or pay him any heed. It was, I'm sure, a shot in the dark that naturally reaped no results and just pulled the trolls in. He looked like he was trying too hard, and to be honest he probably was. If I pick up a rusted and bent tin whistle and blow into it, nothing like music will come out, even if I'm the world's best musician. And if Miles tries to use my brain to project himself openly without being used to that way of operating, he won't translate over very well either.
I sort of... wished for him to talk to other soulbonds. I felt maybe that would help. But of course he doesn't know anyone on my list, and no one was likely to pay him any attention anyway. I doubt it bothers him, but I felt a little sad. My position on the fringes automatically ostracises him from the soulbond community. I am an asshole who didn't believe in soulbonds so it's no wonder that most of the soulbond community will (understandably) tar him with the same brush as me and not want to help either of us. I have no doubt that some people may even believe that I invented him just so that I could get 'in' on that group... That's far from the case, but an understandable assumption nevertheless.
If I sound like I feel almost sorry for him... even after he locked me out of my own mind for more than 36 hours... well, perhaps I do. Those 36 hours were some of the strangest of my life, but I actually, oddly, wasn't afraid. The whole time, I didn't actually feel anything. It was like I existed, but I had no access to any of my normal functions. No access to my emotions, or to movement or even contemplation. I felt, the whole time, like I was watching from the back seat, sedated but not unconscious. I wondered if that's what it was like for him at the back of my mind.
I know that in previous posts I worried over what would happen if he could front, physically (i.e. become the 'owner' of my body rather than just a voice in my head that I can choose to acknowledge or not). I was afraid of what would happen. But now I kind of wonder if it would actually be BETTER if he did this 'in real life' rather than on the internet. I'd worried that he'd be a threat, do horrible things, be the little bastard I expected him to be from the moment he had control.
But it wasn't like that at all. It was weird, observing him while he was 'in control'. For much of the time, he really didn't do much at all. He just seemed amazed, almost awed even, over the fact that he had a form and the ability to feel/sense again. He spent literal hours just staring at his (my) hand, or picking up an object and rotating it, or staring out of the window. Sometimes he just seemed like he was thinking, although I don't know about what because I couldn't read his mind any more than any other observer would have been able to. Every now and then I got the sense that he was just really happy to be alive, to exist. Screw who or what he is, he just wanted to live. Like an innocent child, he seemed to see beauty in everything, as if seeing or experiencing it for the first time. It was like watching someone slowly awakening from a coma.
I never felt threatened, except for at one point late that night when (after being goaded by Jei's Scourge x.o) he found Jei's scalpel tool. It's really frickin' sharp, and he was just playing with it. He pressed the blade against his (my) wrist to the point of pain and a red mark, but then he just sorta smirked and set it down again without cutting me. I was relieved, to say the least.
He didn't do much else except for argue a little with Jei. He was kind of obsessed with trying to get her Scourge riled up. On the surface it seemed like he just wanted a confrontation, but I think the underlying motive was the same as the clumsy posts he hashed out in my journal. If he could get Scourge to be 'real', to 'front', to 'take over' Jei, then he would also be safe.
For what it's worth, I think HE honestly believes he is Miles (a Miles, anyway). But more than anything else, during that time, I really just saw an awakening person (it could be anyone) who doesn't want to die or lose the chance to be in control of their own body and mind.
He hates me. He honestly does, and it's made worse by a) his preconceptions about 'me' (I'm no more canonically the 'Tails' he claims to have known than he is canonically 'Miles' from the comics) and b) the fact that this IS my body, my world, my life.
I can't NOT see him as a person. But I know better now than to expect anyone else to see things the way I do or to expect help from people who I mostly barely know and who probably laugh at my so-called 'soulbond', my amateurishness, his amateurishness.
I want... I dunno. I don't know how to help him when I know he REALLY doesn't want my help. But no one else will.
One thing I won't do again is let him post in my journal. Okay, so maybe I couldn't actually stop him, but after this, I doubt he would. The whole thing frustrated him a lot, I think, and he probably won't wanna make the effort to try again, even if he might get better at it over time. I'm sure that if people expected me to be a certain way and I came across poorly because I wasn't used to the medium AND I wasn't really like the person they expected-- ah, heck, I'm sure it's that way all the time. I'm nothing like any 'canon' Tails, yet I believe wholeheartedly that he is me. I am a flawed and confused human being, and, right now, Miles is that AND new at it. I'd say "give him time" but the better solution is "give him space", I think.
There is NO reason for him to be posting in my LJ anyway. My LJ is my own, he has one, he can use it if he wants. Yet I feel like the perfect place would be if I could still... mention him in my posts, talk about him like any other roommate, and even perhaps let him annotate my entries with his stupid pseudo-random italics if he so wished. For both our sakes, if no one else's.
He worries me a little in that I wish he WAS more canon. He's more messed up than me, and that's saying something. I feel like if I go into detail, it would a) seem even MORE like bad fanfic and b) be a horrible invasion of his privacy. But yes, his world may be similar, events, people, places... but he's as flawed as I am and, I think, really struggling with the situation he's in. He doesn't need to be trolled. Fuck, troll ME guys; leave him alone (in b4 SAME DIFF, you are the same batshit person get help lol).
I feel odd... strangely surreal and feeling as though I should be more upset over what happened. But watching someone taste the world for the first time in god knows how long... shit, it moved me. I never knew that Miles could seem so innocent and in awe of such simple things. But then again, I make the same mistake as anyone else. I expect him to be 'Miles from the comics', when really all he can be is just 'Miles', whoever Miles is.
In closing, I think perhaps the best place for him is NOT paraded across the internet, but rather simply given the chance to 'be' in all aspects of life. Why shouldn't he have a life as normal as mine? Granted, I don't know what the fuck he'll do with my stupid boring unchallenging life, but right now if he wants to pace around my room or rifle through my books or eat a sandwich, then why shouldn't he? Online isn't a life. Online is just one small narrow medium, and a person can't exist just inside the internet.
I think it would be very good for me AND for him to get off the internet for a while. I can let him 'front' (or he can just take it, whatever), the world doesn't need to watch every moment, and trolls ain't gonna troll. I have to admit I'm also really curious as to what would happen if Jei got to that stage with her Scourge. Maybe they'd kill each other (and us in the process x.x), but hopefully the limitations of this world and of US would put a safety cap on things.
This post is stupid and probably comes across as a huge "LOL Jai just can't let it go ROFL attention whore". I don't care. I'm the world's biggest hypocrite, I know. And the world's most pathetic bleeding heart. If it were the other way around, I have no doubt that he'd do everything in his power to be rid of me. I can't kid myself into thinking he's actually not so bad once you get to know him, because he really is a git. But if he's as real as he damn well seems to be, if only to me, he deserves to live, doesn't he?
I'm not sure if this is a) going to be ignored, b) going to be trolled, c) going to be actually conducive to things and helpful or d) gonna make me regret writing it by tomorrow morning. Selective screening is on to avoid me waking up to potential dramus ^^;
