Get over it.
Jul. 6th, 2010 09:43 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
flyboy_foxGuh... I had another one of those dreams where it felt as though I was dreaming for two people. I was holding (or trying to hold) a three-way conversation with me as Tails, me as Miles, and Jei. Talk about exhausting. I was dreaming so vividly and hard that when I woke up I was afraid I must have slept in and that I'd be late up, because it seemed like such a long deep dream. Plus I felt wide awake, like I couldn't sleep any more. Got up, looked at the clock, 8-something. Only been asleep four hours, lol. Oh well.
Jei and I had a nasty argument last night. I won't go into details 'cause it's not something I want to gossip about, but it makes me sad. Jei and I do bicker sometimes, like any couple would, but we very rarely have a full-blown fight like that. It felt terrible, and I haven't cried so hard or felt so low in a long time. I think things will be all right; she sent me an email after I left, and we both apologised for the things we said. But it never feels good when you fight with the person you love most in all the universe. I love you, Jei, and I'm sorry again.
I've had twinges of that depression coming back. Given that I came off my anti-depressant medication several months ago and have been here alone for over a month, I've done pretty well to keep myself afloat, but I can tell when I'm slipping. I think a good sign is when I go buy several bottles of vodka and several packets of painkillers as if I'm planning to do something stupid. It's not like an active plan, more like a fail-safe - like I have the stuff so that if things ever get too bad, I have a way out. But how cracked is that? I gotta pull myself out of this before I DO end up hurting myself.
Trouble is, I live in my head. In Jei's absence, I really do need to find something else to occupy myself. I really need a job. In the meantime I should be trying to get out on a regular basis, do some charity work or something. Of course, that requires effort and motivation, which I lack. I'm sure I'd become motivated and enthused if I just got out there and started, but starting's the hardest part, isn't it?
Right! Well, time to stop feeling sorry for myself and attempt to do something productive with these unusual extra hours of daylight! (:
Jei and I had a nasty argument last night. I won't go into details 'cause it's not something I want to gossip about, but it makes me sad. Jei and I do bicker sometimes, like any couple would, but we very rarely have a full-blown fight like that. It felt terrible, and I haven't cried so hard or felt so low in a long time. I think things will be all right; she sent me an email after I left, and we both apologised for the things we said. But it never feels good when you fight with the person you love most in all the universe. I love you, Jei, and I'm sorry again.
I've had twinges of that depression coming back. Given that I came off my anti-depressant medication several months ago and have been here alone for over a month, I've done pretty well to keep myself afloat, but I can tell when I'm slipping. I think a good sign is when I go buy several bottles of vodka and several packets of painkillers as if I'm planning to do something stupid. It's not like an active plan, more like a fail-safe - like I have the stuff so that if things ever get too bad, I have a way out. But how cracked is that? I gotta pull myself out of this before I DO end up hurting myself.
Trouble is, I live in my head. In Jei's absence, I really do need to find something else to occupy myself. I really need a job. In the meantime I should be trying to get out on a regular basis, do some charity work or something. Of course, that requires effort and motivation, which I lack. I'm sure I'd become motivated and enthused if I just got out there and started, but starting's the hardest part, isn't it?
Right! Well, time to stop feeling sorry for myself and attempt to do something productive with these unusual extra hours of daylight! (:
