Hello me, meet the real me :P

[flyboy_fox]

I said I would do this, so fine, here I am.

I am not really a nice person. In fact, I'm actually a bit of a bastard. I'm just an anti-social bitch who repressed this part of herself for far too long. Long enough for it to finally up-rise and say/do the things I'd always pushed back because of wanting to be 'nice'.

Katy (Selbelis) fessed up, so I am too. I don't know why she's thanking me, lol. The content of our discussion basically went along the lines of me saying "Miles is actually just me saying the assholish things to you that I was too cowardly to say in person". I own up. I am a bitch. I don't like people, in general, and I think a lot of very nasty things. I'm not evil, just rather two-faced, sarcastic and opinionated.

That's not to say that this was all just a big joke. It felt real to me. Miles felt SO real, these past few days especially. The dreams I had, the way I could hear him, the way he'd take over from me... I was almost convinced that I had a really nasty soulbond, or that I was going insane. It was getting more and more real... until this morning.

This morning, I woke up feeling... I guess 'blendy' is the word 'kin-folk would use. I could not for the life of me separate myself and 'Miles' in my head. I felt his thoughts and feelings as me, not as a separate entity. And I felt... complete. Yes, I was thinking horribly bitchy thoughts, but it was me. I accepted it, embraced it.

Maybe I'm finally whole again. Maybe it's time to stop lying to myself and to everyone else who thinks that I'm cute and fluffy and sweet and the nicest little person they'd ever met. I'm not. If you're a dumbass, I'm probably thinking mean things about you. I won't be afraid to say it any more. I'll be honest. To hell with it if it loses me 'friends'. I actually don't care.

...

Paradoxically, while Katy ends her post by saying sorry to everyone, I'll end mine by saying, for once, I am not sorry. I gotta be me.

Comments

[ketunhenki.livejournal.com]

It's good that you aren't sorry, because I'd tell you not to be anyway. We all have sides of ourselves we don't like. I'm not all 'goody-two-shoes' by any means. In fact, I can be rather two-faced myself, but only when necessary. In fact, I've decieved people many times in the past (not really on LJ, since I feel here is the one place I can be honest). And when I was younger, I'd yell at people for so much as talking to me.

My 'other half' has lived in me for years, carrying out these actions, but we are still one.

It's still all you, and it's great that you've finally felt complete after all this time! xP <3

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

XD I-hate-everything kitteh is awesome!

And yeah, I guess this is a struggle that many people have. I just needed to face it head on and be honest with people - and with myself.

[way-past-cool.livejournal.com]

Well you know me XD I'm honest to the point of being tactless sometimes n.n; it's definitely lost me a lot of points with people online. XD So you know I totally understand where you're coming from.

Be you, all of you. That's how you make and keep true friends, I think.

...wow n.n; that sounded so damn corny. HARMONY HARMONY OH LOVE.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

ALWAYS I WANT TO BE WITH YOU~♪ ... except not because this is my I HATE EVERYBODY post >_>;;

But yeah, better to be open and honest than fake. I never wanted to be fake.

[sletia.livejournal.com]

Harmony! *tackles you from behind*
YEEE-OWTCH! Quills. >I

[way-past-cool.livejournal.com]

>.> not sure what you're doin' back there, but that space is reserved. Not to mention lethal.

[sletia.livejournal.com]

Reserved? xD Lol.

[(Anonymous)]

I was actually already starting to become aware of this, somehow, right after I saw all of the "Miles" shenanigans starting. I didn't want to say anything for fear of pushing you because I thought you were going crazy and just needed to be allowed to do what you were going to do. But yeah, "Miles" is the real you, nicey-nice "Tails" is the fake mask you put on, and I think anyone that's willing to be honest with you is aware of this to a degree.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Not quite. Miles is part of the real me. I'm a combination of Tails (my outward projection) and Miles (my deepest darkest parts). I'm not a total goody-goody, but I'm not totally evil either. To say that Miles is the real me is too much of a get-out-of-jail-free card for me. I do have a conscience and a soul, I just have some very nasty traits too. I can't be an absolute, just a balance between the two.

[sletia.livejournal.com]

Same here. I kept going "my mazoku side" and "my humanity" but darn it, it's all me.

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

I wasn't sure what to say. Almost everything I thought of seemed to come out wrong. So...I'll say this.

Last night you told me that words are just words, that it is the meaning behind them that is important. I believe this.

It's not important to me that you say nice things to me. It's not even important to me that you avoid calling me nasty things.

What's important is...that I know my being around you isn't going to hurt you. That I'm not using you. That you gain something from my being around.

The truth is...you've been very patient with me throughout this whole thing, as I butted my head in various times. And on some level, I wasn't as dense as usual. Sometimes it took me some time, but eventually I always got the hint, I could see that you were still willing to put up with me even if I was something of a troublemaker.

I'm not sure if I'm even making much sense. I guess what I want to say is...there does seem to be a real bond between us, even if it's not some hugtacular snugglefest. I guess it's just one of those things where actions need to speak louder than words.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

As I'm being honest here, I'm just gonna say it. I don't know what to think of you, Blaze. Sometimes you seem like you mean the stuff you say, other times, maybe even most of the time, it just feels like platitudes. Given the right incentive, you were willing to commit, even if just briefly, to basically screwing me over. (Even if in the end it was me wanting to screw myself over x.x). That's all I'll say out in the open here, but I think in the end you see a bond that isn't really there.

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

You're probably right. About the bond thing being wrong, I mean. I kinda felt like I was coming on a little too strong in that last post, but wasn't quite sure. I guess I'll keep trying to work on things. I mean, not trying to get closer to you, I just mean...being more myself, being more of a straightforward, straight-talking person.

I guess maybe I talk the way I do because I don't really know how to put emotions into words. Either that or I feel my emotions too strongly.

Looking back, I thought what I did when I was siding with Miles would lead you to this point, to some sort of integration. That doesn't absolve me of responsibility, and was still pretty dumb, though.

I guess I just need to practice what I preach more often.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

All it did was make both parts of me equally angry. It's not the first time you've flaked on me (or on others!), and I doubt it would be the last. I honestly don't need that.

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

I guess I'd feel the same if I were in your place.

Who are these others, though?

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I'm not going to be a gossip. I'm sure there are plenty of people who have a lot of problems with me right now, and I want to address that here, not start fresh drama about people who I know have issues with you. We're all guilty of doing crap to each other. If you wanna try to solve it, it's your business not mine.

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

Fair enough.

[(Anonymous)]

i'm familiar with both of you from the kin community and imho what she sees in you is her projecting her emotional bond to the character you represent yourself with onto -you-. blazey here is bonded to the fictional representation of tails, and she sees you as a container for tails. not to say that she doesn't like you individually, but i can see it informing her sentiments surrounding you and other kin, and i think anyone would be blind notto.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I think this could be a large part of it also. *Nods*

[eclective.livejournal.com]

Heh, I've known the "going insane" moments, worry not. The moments when something in your head is working like it wasn't working before, and it's unfamiliar and whoa-shit and you feel out of your depth. But I'm glad it passed, and you got some understanding out of it.

I'll reiterate what I said in a previous post: from experience, I know that letting the darkest parts of you have complete free reign can lead to being completely enmeshed in them, to the point where it's hard to rise up. So of course you should feel free to express yourself and be honest - but I also do advise you to temper that by keeping in touch with your nice side and the part of you that believes in people and wants good things for them (and for yourself!) every once in a while. I have my sadistic, cruel impulses and my happy fluffy nice impulses, and what I've learnt personally is that if I'm out of touch with either of them too long, I start to go a bit wonky. To the point where there can be bad depression and shit.

Of course, that's just my experience. And it doesn't sound like you have a problem with this, so I hope this doesn't come off like I think you do: I think you're more than aware you need to be in touch with both sides of yourself, and I hardly think you're stepping away from that by allowing yourself self-expression. It's just a friendly ping, something to stash away for the future and look back on if there's a time when you actually need it.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I don't think this revelation means that I'm suddenly the worst person in the universe, or that I'm any less what I always was. I'm hoping it will just help me to be a more well-rounded and complete 'me'. Someone who's honest about their own faults and honest with their feelings about others. I'd rather be blunt and risk offence than just say what people want to hear. I think it's time for me to grow a pair, and if that means acknowledging that I really can be a bit of a dick, then so be it.

[eclective.livejournal.com]

*nod* I definitely don't think it means you're a bad person, either, let alone the worst. Like I said, I think you're doing fine. 'Tis basically just an "it's a rocky path to walk" advisory - but I haven't seen you hit any obstacles yet. I think you're doing well for yourself, and I hope it continues.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

It's certainly less spooky for me than OMG EVIL DEMON IN MY HEAD AHHH!! XD;;

[fictional-minds.livejournal.com]

It's good to know who you are and I'm glad you sorted out the whole Miles thing. I hate not understanding what's going on in my head (partly from being a bit of a control-freak (not gonna lie) and partly from being a psychology major >__>;;) so everything always feels better once shit's all resolved; I can empathize with you on that.

Also, good for you for accepting your so-called "darker" side. It's difficult, but [warning: cheesy moment ahead!] it's worth it to be true to yourself. [*dies a little* It's true, but it's so cheesy, oh gods. D:]

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I love cheesy lines, so it's all good XD Definitely gonna try to be true to myself from now on, and honest with others as much as possible (hopefully without being a total douche).

[fictional-minds.livejournal.com]

Kay good cause sometimes people can't take the cheddar... I mean the cheese! ;) [Okay, weird humour moment. Feel free to ignore it. XD]

It's tough being honest with people sometimes, but it's ultimately better than lying to them, imo. At least, I always feel better when I tell the truth... though you have to watch out with some people who can't handle it. For them, I just, uh, water it down and hopefully don't freak them out too much. [It sucks cause I'm a huge people-pleaser. XD]

[leonskennedy827.livejournal.com]

Everyone has a side to them that they don't like, it's not just you dude.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I guess that is very true, Leon (: