I am a pussy. Blah.

[flyboy_fox]

Ugh... after all the supportive commendation I got on my last post about going home, I feel two inches tall writing this, but...

I pussied out. I decided not to go home after all. But before I get the rightful bollocking that I deserve, there were a few deciding factors :\

- Firstly, my brother came home the next day and I did want to see him and spend a little time with him now that our relationship is finally improving.

- Secondly, I miss my home and my cat and my hometown and wanted to spend a bit of time here with Jei too.

- Thirdly, I have a TON of shit that I need to get rid of, and the weekly car boot sale here is a grand way to do that. So I wanted to stay for that.

- Fourth, okay okay... I admit it. I just don't wanna fight with my mum and burn all my bridges.

Having said that, the week hasn't been exactly easy. For example, Jei and I really wanted to go to the local Chinese all-you-can-eat buffet because it's dirt cheap (£6.50 per person for literally all-you-can-eat plus dessert cart) and SO good. It's kind of a staple that we eat there at least once when we're back in Weston, and it'd been about 6 months since we'd last been there. My mum kicked up SUCH a fuss. It was too expensive, she said. Can't eat out when you have no money. Okay, fair enough... she's worried that it costs. Only it obviously wasn't. She's so shallow. She just didn't want me to eat at a 'junk food' place because I'm 'fat'.

How do I know this?

Jei and I went... and so did my mum and brother. She insisted on coming with us, because apparently keeping an eye on my plate is more important than 'the cost'. It wasn't until some rather pointed looks that she even conceded to sit at a different table. And she openly confessed that if she DID sit at our table, she wouldn't be able to keep from judging my portions.

I wanted a little privacy, a meal with my girlfriend, just us. Instead, while lovely, I felt like I couldn't get more than one helping, and ate far less than I would have liked. Every time mum passed to get HER refills, I felt her eyes on me and my plate. Sigh.

It was like that the whole week. Jei and I did a lot of walking. Miles, up and down the seafront, hours of healthy walking. Tell my mum? All she wants to know is if I bought any snacks while I was out. "Did you eat anything?". Woman is OBSESSED.

I really should shut up. I made my choice to stay and I need to just deal with it. But goddamnit it's like walking on eggshells. She throws away perfectly good leftovers to prevent me from snacking on them later. What a waste! She does detective work on my trash. Jei had to smuggle our snack wrappers out of the house in her bag so my mum wouldn't see them!

FFFF. Anyway. Jei had to go back to Bournemouth today because her classes start up again tomorrow. I still have another week here with my mum before I go back to join her. I miss my sweetheart already :( A little nervous for this week alone with my mum (brother went home today too), but eh we'll see...

I also found out that Dr Longhorn, my doctor, retired recently. Wah. He was great... the other doctors there are rubbish really. Oh well.

Bye.

Comments

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

I'm glad that this is just a visit. I can understand why you don't want to wind up never talking to her again, but at the same time, she's being kind of abusive while using the excuse that the way she's acting is "for your own good."

[(Anonymous)]

Yes, indeed. I'm sure your mother cares for you, but she does have an illness to be behaving this way, so while I know it must be terribly annoying and degrading to deal with while you're there, try not to let it make you crazy, and try not to let her force you into doing anything you know is bad for you, including any crazy near-starvation diets and other physically and emotionally damaging shenanigans. Good luck, Jai.

[hamlover.livejournal.com]

I kinda feel sorry for your mom, the way you describe her it seems she has had some bad teasing about her being fat at some point. I think you should just straight up tell her to back off about your weight, warn her that if she doesn't realize you're an adult and can make your own fucking diet, and soon, you're gonna leave her behind. Give her the torch and make it her choice to 'burn the bridge.' If she chooses to keep harassing you about your weight, it means that your weight matters to her more than your feelings, and that isn't the kind of person you need in your life.