Jai is insane again :D

[flyboy_fox]

Oh, silly me. I think that my past transgressions have probably only gone to strengthen the position that all fictionkin are in actuality just 'crazy' people who, to attempt to escape, or allow for, their mental deficiencies - ascribe to crazy beliefs as if to transcend their own mundaneness. Ah, but I was someone cool in a past life! It makes me feel better to cling to that! My past life must have messed me up, so naturally I'm unable to cope with even trivial things in this life! It's something I can lean on to feel better about myself in the light of how pathetic I really am! It's troll food really, isn't it? If it weren't for people like me, sites like ED* would have so very little to feed on (*I love ED dearly actually).

I don't... I don't think that way. I don't think having 'crazy' beliefs has anything to do with one's current state of being, unless one lets them. Maybe it's true that the crazy chemicals in my brain that make me freak out and do wacky things on occasion are the very same that allow me to believe in fictional past lives, but I'll never use that as a crutch. You could take that away from me and I'd still be me. I'll still have highs and lows and I'll still fight back. I'm more than that.

I won't cry. I won't wail that another life was so much better or that I was strong then. Honestly, if it came to pass that any of my past life beliefs are true, I'm sure I was as imperfect and screwed up then as now. But really, who isn't, in their own way? And if it's just a creation of my mind, a world of make-believe akin to dreams, then all the more reason for me to still be me in it. As far as how I feel, dreams ARE real, in a way. The world as we see it is just a construct of our senses, perceived in a way that we can understand.

I dream lucidly and vividly often and in detail. My mind turns electrical signals in my head into objects and people and sights and smells and sounds. The only difference is that afterwards, my physical body in the waking world is unaffected by anything that transpired in that dream world. But it was a reality in its own right because I sensed it, perhaps only through my dream-self, but never the less it was a me, feeling, seeing, thinking. Often even perfectly aware that I'm in a dream, and thinking about my 'real' life outside of it, as if that real life were itself the dream.

Hello mania. That's, I'm sure, what anyone would say. Because I feel alive now, typing, letting words flow... that's just as worrying as shutting myself up and not speaking at all, right? More chemicals in my head, this time making me feel good and positive and purposeful.

I know I don't sound quite right now. My writing is all false poetry and purple prose, goddammit. But so what? If that's what wants to be free right now, is it really such a crime?

I'm Alex, Jai, Flyboy, Tails, Jim Mack, Kojirou, Robin... all at once, all the same, all part of the patchwork quilt that makes up my being. If I fall, I'll get up stronger. Is this what it's like to be on top of the world?

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

ai m8,
since there is no normal, provided what u do isnt bad, then its good.
distraction tactics from real life are effective. count the days between bad things happening, resisting and fighting ur inner battle. dont dismay wen u lose, and dont feel guilty. don't set your self goals, because they puts stress to achieve and pressure upon u. soon enough, u'll realise u've forgotten ur count of days, and then u'll realise that for the most, u'r past it. dont hide it, because that will withdraw you. dont do it in secret and do talk about it. dont blame ur self and dont blame the situation, address urself pragmatically. but dont b under the impresion u'l ever get over it and not think about it, thats unlikely, it become part of our character, u just learn to control it. there is no logical argument that will overcome it. we dont do it to solve a problem, nor do we do it because of addiction, its maintenance, and its wat we do. i hope u find a solution.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

'Normal' is objective, I agree XD

Thanks. I think I found my solution already, and I'm rolling with it good and steady (oh, a rhyme! Hah!).

[eclective.livejournal.com]

If feeling alive and writing lucidly and easily makes you sick, then gods help the world.

I write like that too when I'm feeling positive, feeling hopeful. If feeling you'll overcome your trials, if feeling purposeful, is so bad... well, it's news to me, because I've never suffered from it.

"Mania" is running around planning crazy schemes you'll never follow through on, abandoning your inhibitions, and doing stuff you'll regret in the morning. A bit of sleepless excitement, or fluid prose, isn't harmful mania, in my experience. Sure, if you can't sleep two nights running and you're talking ahead of your thoughts and the world seems thin and stretched... well, it could be a problem, could be a beautiful experience, depending on what it's accompanied by.

Anyway, a lot of the best creative minds were manic. We medicalise everything these days. If it's hurting you, it's hurting you (and I mean in deeper ways than just your flesh). If it's not, it's not.

And don't worry too much about tarring the fictionkin rep. I used to try and present a paragon of perfection for the rest of the world, too. But having to try to be better than the average hume for the sake of giving your type a good representation isn't fair. We all have our quirks, our weaknesses, our breakdowns, our weirdnesses. Do you know any normal people? Really? I bet they're hiding it well. I've never known a normal person, my whole life long: but I sure have known a lot of dysfunctional, violent, depressed, hateful, self-centred, bitter, crazy people who passed themselves off as mundane.

You're on top of the heap, kiddo.

[eclective.livejournal.com]

(Also, I'm not exaggerating with that "normal person" thing. I really don't think I ever have known anyone normal. My mother was a lovely woman-- she was also, in later life, depressed, alcoholic, and mentally ill. My grandfather was charming in some circumstances, but he supported Hitler. My other grandfather was a miser; my grandmother was money-grubbing. Our next-door neighbour was a psychologist, but he neglected his kid. One of my friends' fathers was foul-mouthed and insulting towards other children. My first English teacher had a huge chip on her shoulder, my second had a crush on me, one of my Media teachers was an arrogant ass and the other was a long-haired hippie, and my Japanese teacher made us stand on tables for getting questions wrong. All my friends have been depressed at some point in their lives, one of them has epilepsy, another has spina bifida. I could go on. I think it's better to be the pleasant, kind sort of odd than it is to be the offensive and abusive sort, personally.)

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Oh, I feel ya XD My mother is an extremely intelligent workaholic who never missed a day of work in her life until the DAY my brother was born, my father is a holocaust-denier who believes Hitler was "a decent man", my great aunt is a paranoid who believes people steal her underwear at night, my grandfather had six toes on each foot... and these are just relations! I've met so many odd people, too, hah. Normal certainly is relative...

Me, I love eccentricity, as long as it's the charming harmless type rather than the Scrooge/insane and bitter cat lady/angry alcoholic hobo type ^^;

[eclective.livejournal.com]

...seriously, what is it with our immediate male relatives and Hitler, anyway? O_o My grandfather used to say almost exactly the same thing. "If Hitler were still in power we wouldn't have these problems, yada yada...."

[teamrodent.livejournal.com]

True... We'd have different problems to worry about.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I'm sure I said this to you already, many moons back, but I do love that icon. It's both relevant to my interests and... well... relevant to my interests XD;

They do say there's a fine line between genius and insanity.

Not that I believe myself to be any form of genius - far from it. Even if I look at Tails objectively as a character, I never thought of him as simply being innately gifted with extraordinary ability. Rather, just that he had an interest, an obsession even, and the passion to work it fully into his world, like an extension of himself. And then he just happened to be bright enough to articulate and manifest it in a way that others could tangibly see.

I personally always believed that Sonic is just as intelligent as Tails in his own way. His speed and wit are simply another manifest form of an internal passion.

My belief is that genius - which is almost tantamount to creation in my definition - exists in anyone who ever dreamed a dream, wrote a story or drew a picture. It doesn't matter how 'good' it is. People are marked on intelligence by how well they communicate their inner workings to the outside world. But a many feathered bird in a black box is no less beautiful and exotic just because people outside can't see it.

Ahem, to return to the topic... it's no surprise that genius and madness are good bedfellows. An over-active mind is just as likely to freak out and turn on itself as it is to find the cure for cancer. It's a matter of learning how to use the more mundane and civilised parts of the brain to keep the 'crazy' in check :P

[eclective.livejournal.com]

Wholeheartedly agreed.

Also, this comment reminds me of something baxil wrote today:

"What truly defines us is our passions: not what we are good at, but what we are willing to struggle at."

Or rather, it's not about what you have, talent or no, but what you strive to do with it. Whether the end result is bad or good, the fact that you try means a lot.

[(Anonymous)]

In my opinion, "crazy" beliefs aren't necessarily "crazy" in and of themselves, but can often be a symptom of mental illness due to the nature of what's believed. It depends on the context, and how the beliefs are formed -- if you believe you're Tails because it helps you cope with some mental/emotional trauma and so on that occurred in this life, then yeah, your beliefs probably aren't sound and are likely an indicator that something is still amiss in that area. If it's just something you believe philosophically, then there's really nothing wrong with it, besides it being dorky.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I agree. That's why I'm trying to put across the point that it's NOT a coping mechanism or a crutch for me. I've had ups and downs in my life, of course, and parts of it haven't been easy... but I've suffered no major traumas and I'm not relentlessly hurting from any emotional or mental wounds. I am, in fact, in the driving seat of a rather un-extraordinary life.

And yes, I'm a dork :P I fully accept and approve of this.

[(Anonymous)]

I think some of the antagonism toward your belief in fictionkin comes from people (possibly?), misunderstanding what you mean when you tell them there's nothing wrong with it. They see "I'm not weirder or more screwed up than anyone else for believing what I believe", and interpret that to mean that your beliefs are therefore... "correct"? That's not quite the word I'm looking for, but you probably get what I mean.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Eh, I'd never try to force or even expect people to believe what I do, and I do believe that being open minded about it myself means accepting that I could easily be wrong about it myself :P The fact that it might not be real doesn't really bother me; it certainly doesn't bother me if OTHER people don't believe it's real.

[(Anonymous)]

Just do what you like man.

Because at some point, you realize that you just want to STOP acting only in ways that will please the world. I know that feeling perfectly. Sometimes, you need to give the world the finger.

BTW, since I find myself unable to say a lot in your posts, I will no longer pester you to do likewise for my blog anymore. It's not fair.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure who you are who's been asking me to comment more on their blog (unless you're the person who I told to PM me if they wanted to chat about anything - I never got any PMs), but hey... if you want me to comment more to you, just lemme know who you are :) I owe all my friends that.