Floop.

[flyboy_fox]

I, uh... phew. Trying to get my head on straight. You can always tell it's been a rough week when I haven't updated in a while :P

Nah, it hasn't really been terrible or anything. I'm just trying not to be pulled under by the seasonal worsening of depression that strikes every year. I'm really trying to avoid going back to the doctor about it because I don't want to up my 'meds' (ptooie!) beyond the tiny minimum dose I'm at now. I never wanted to rely on an SSRI in the first place, and I really don't want to get dependent on a higher dose. It makes me feel like some emo kid, 'cause I KNOW I have the power within me to beat it without more chemicals. But then that's also a counter-productive mood because sometimes people do need a stabiliser to help them get back on their feet, and so a total 'drugs r baaaad!" attitude doesn't help either.

Lol, I dunno.

I missed a few lectures a couple weeks ago due to the cold/flu thing I had, so I'm starting to feel a little pressure catching up in a couple classes; namely databases (SQL/Oracle) and Java programming. I'm not waaaaay behind, but I feel like some of it just hasn't quite 'clicked' in that totally-comfortable-with-it way, and I know there's a couple of scripting/programming assignments coming up, so I need to get my game on.

What's kinda depressing is how much our class has dwindled, down from 12 in the core Computing class to 5. Yep, there were only 5 people in class today including myself. There's more when you include the Networking and BIT/CIT students who share some of our classes. There's about 50 people taking various computing classes at BPC this year, but only 12 in my specific degree group.

Also, I am the only girl. Out of 50 students D: Way to represent, yo.

The weather hasn't helped either. Nyaaaah. Stupid wind/rain. I got drenched on my way in this morning and my umbrella blew inside out :( Stupid "wind resistant" piece of crap. Supposedly there's more bad weather on the way this week, and all winter, too. Lovely. And it really is depressing to watch the sun start to set at fricking THREE THIRTY in the afternoon, and walk home in the DARK at FIVE PM >P

I'm selling my 16GB iPod and my k800i Sony Ericsson phone on eBay right now to try to pull together a little more money to last us into December. We didn't budget very well this year (lol PS3), so we're just gonna have to try harder when we get our January loans/grants >_>

I feel like writing a really stupidly over-the-top emo Sonic fic where Tails cuts off one of his tails or something. I shall take out all my impotent raaaaage on innocent fictional characters, whee!

ALSO VAMPIRE WEEKEND - HORCHATA IS *THE* MOST ANNOYING SONG EVER BECAUSE IT WON'T STOP GOING AROUND IN MY HEAD AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH.

Comments

[shadowdingo.livejournal.com]

I was the only girl in my entire COLLEGE who took ICT from both years before. We IT girls are a minority, it seems. Woe. D:

And bah, I finish work at four, so I'm also walking home/taking buses in the dark. I get really edgy walking along my street as we've had a history of people in the youth hostel on this street getting ASBOs for things like drunk and disorderly behaviour, so it's a bit "Oh shi-!" if you're alone and about their age because, whilst some of them are generally okay, you get the occasional idiot who starts bothering you with the typical "You startin' on me?" and people throwing the bins around outside and... yeah, rough area. O-O

Good luck with the depression thing too. Hope things turn out okay. Prod me any time you like if you need a talk. :)

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Eep, sounds scary! I live in a mostly safe and well-lit area, but there's a wooded hill path right near where I live that's very dark and narrow and always feels a bit creepy at night...

And yeah, needs more girls in I.T.!

[bandazgeek.livejournal.com]

Sorry I haven't commented lately - I just don't know how I can help more, and I don't want to sound like an idiot. *hugs*

... In any case, I feel you on the weather issue. We were caught out in the freezing cold wind today waiting ten minutes for the bus to show. It didn't feel like ten minutes, though. More like thirty. *shivers*

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

No problem, you don't need to comment all the time :) And yeah, shitty weather really does drag the day on... and on... and oooonnn....

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

I usually don't like to be this blunt, but...

Not upping your dosage because you don't want to become addicted to the chemicals is a good reason.

Not upping your dosage because you don't want to feel "weak" or "emo" is not a good reason. You are only human, and, as I had to learn the hard way sometimes, simply saying "I must succeed!" does not always solve problems. Sometimes you need to accept the help of modern medicine when it is offered to you.

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

A follow-up:

I think I may have been a bit hasty there. I don't mean that you shouldn't feel depressed, as I remember how hard it was to be depressed. What I mean is, just let yourself admit that you deserve to feel bad every now and then. Don't need to blame yourself for things that aren't your fault. I'm sorry if what I said before came across as worse than I intended.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Oh, I know what you meant, Blazey ^^ I'm just kinda torn on the whole medication issue. I don't want my brain to become so used to being stabilised by chemicals that it'll become impossible to wean off them at a later date.

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

Heh, I guess I have an over-active tendency to doubt my ability to make sense.XD

But yeah...Do you think your doc would be able to help you if you asked him/her about the risks of dependency?

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I dunno... Maybe my doctor back home, but the one I have here is just the college med centre, they don't have my records or anything. I might see my doc at home over the Xmas break :)

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

Cool.:D

[(Anonymous)]

Yeah... this. If you need the meds, you need the meds. Mental illness is as real and treatable as physical illness. Imagine how silly it would be saying something like "I don't want to control my diabetes with medicine, I'm not some weak, emo diabetic."

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

That seems to be a sensible way to look at it. Thanks :)

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

Just thank us by doing all you can to get better. And getting some rest and relaxation.^_~

[(Anonymous)]

Think about it like this, dude: mental illness, while it effects the mind, isn't a personality problem -- it's a brain problem, just like other illnesses affect other parts of the body. The main difference is that due to the nature of the way the brain works, mental illnesses can sometimes be caused by non-tangible things (but most of the time are the result of chemical problems inside the brain itself). Now, if what you have is a truly emotional/psychological problem, this can usually be treated by getting a good psychiatrist. There's nothing wrong with helping yourself and seeking treatment.

[chocomookielove.livejournal.com]

Have you ever looked into the possibility of light therapy? Sounds like you might have yoself sum SAD.

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

Yeah, you might want to do that, and also stay out of fluorescent lighting, Jai.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

That's proving a little difficult with the f-lights at college, but I have pretty nice lighting at home :)

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I have a light box already, back home, but I didn't bring it. I have a light sensitivity which makes it pretty hard to sit in front of an insanely bright light for 15 - 30 minutes at a time XD;;

I'm pretty sure I have SAD, but then I think most people are affected by the seasons at least to some degree.

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

Oh, I get it, you're a Mogwai. I guess I shouldn't feed you after midnight.

...You probably have no idea what I'm talking about.XD

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

::Evolves into a Gremlin and eats you:: >O~

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

i have no regreeeeets!XD

[(Anonymous)]

rooooooooofl. so your budgeting has nothing to do with the fact you stalked your poor gf to the us and back? right. ps3 compared to a t-a flight? that's your fault for being a dipshit, not "bawww we didn't budget".


also: I feel like writing a really stupidly over-the-top emo Sonic fic where Tails cuts off one of his tails or something. I shall take out all my impotent raaaaage on innocent fictional characters, whee!

so you admit tails is fictional. and therefore not you. GODS BE PRAISED. maybe now you can work on not being a creepy fuck! babysteps still get you along the journey!

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

How do you stalk someone who's already your girlfriend?

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Haha, I kinda did stalk her X3 But she was so excited and happy when I showed up!

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

If she liked it, there's no problem.:D

[rainsingingwolf.livejournal.com]

...

You totally can stalk your girlfriend/boyfriend. In the past I've known several people who were victims of stalking boyfriends/girlfriends, who would track their gas mileage, their phone calls, their whereabouts at any given point in time, etc...

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

Creepy.O_o Guess I jumped the gun when I spoke previously.

[rainsingingwolf.livejournal.com]

I realize that you may not have been aware of behavior like that. It's important to remember that it happens more often than we hear about or we'd like to think.

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it's good to be cautious and well-informed, sometimes naivete can be dangerous.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Of course Tails (as a sprite/drawing/etc) is fictional. That's why fic'kin are called... fic'kin.

I was really lucky with the flight. It cost much less than the PS3, actually!

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

Well, you do tend to talk about the Real Super Power Of Teamwork, just with more subtly.^_~

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

And hopefully less cheesy? ^^;

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

You're not cheesy, just charmingly innocent.^_^

[rainsingingwolf.livejournal.com]

There are very few female technology students/workers. It's just a stat you'll have to get used to. ;)

[capncloudchaser.livejournal.com]

On the software engineering course here, there is just one girl. Not me, I do games design, way less techy :P

I've started to get hit by some SAD as well the past month. It's not been crippling, but I can feel it nagging away at me. My self esteem and confidence has completely fallen down for irrational reasons and I know its due to the SAD as I don't normally feel this way. So far I'm putting up with it, I don't see it as a 'true depression' so I'm not going to go to the docs with it or anything. In a weird kind of way, because I know its the SAD causing it, I can try and dismiss it when my mood goes all crazy, and that sort of works for me.

But depression is like a mental headache. When I get a bad headache, I sometimes ignore it or try to sleep it off, and that doesn't usually work, so I have to take pills anyway. Maybe depression is the same, and I shouldn't be ignoring it.

Anyway, everyone blows their student money in the first semester, and then starts to calm down on the second :D