Jai turns 24

[flyboy_fox]

But that's not something I can do so easily
This is not simply my way
My own style
Gotta get a hold of my life


Never before have lyrics from that song been so pertinent and hard-hitting to me. Tonight as 23:59 rolls over to 00:00 I turn 24. It's not easy, finding my own way and my own style, but I have to do it. I'm thrown in the deep end, and even if I can't ever be 'cool' and 'like him', the only way I'll get by is if I damn well get a hold of my life.


Over the years I've had a recurring dream where Tails is flying the Tornado... for some routine reason or just for fun - never anything epic. And something unexpectedly happens and the Tornado crashes violently with him still in it. The first few times I had the dream, the crash was fatal. Tails died and Sonic was left to grieve in disbelief at what had happened.

Then I had a slightly different version of the dream, where the same crash happened and Tails died, in Sonic's arms. But... then strange things happened and the story seemed to split between Sonic grieving, attending the funeral etc, and also another strange scene with a sterile white room and muted voices. In that dream, I eventually realized that Tails hadn't died, and that he was just unconscious and dreaming about Sonic grieving and going to his funeral etc.

Then the dream mutated even further. Tails crashed the plane. He didn't die, or dream of dying, but he was hurt badly and lost his ability to use his tails for flight. And as a result of the crash, he became terrified of the thought of flying a plane ever again. Over time, Sonic helped him to regain his confidence and his strength, and in the end he finally got back into the cockpit of a plane and flew again.

These dreams always confused me, but I think maybe they're a metaphor for my perception of my own life. And if that's the case, then I think perhaps my outlook is slowly improving. They say "once bitten, twice shy" and it's true. I've 'crashed' before, and at times I couldn't believe in myself enough to even crawl out of the wreckage. Then as time went on, I still thought I couldn't do it, because of how many times I'd tried and failed... but people believed in me and somehow I pulled through. And now... I'm finally finding my feet. It's time for me to learn to fly again.


My mom always signs off her emails to me with "keep flying high". Her birthday card to me says the same. Yet sometimes I feel like it's impossible, because in order to 'keep flying high', one has to be flying in the first place. And often I don't feel like I've left the ground.


But I have faith that one day I'll have that dream again and instead of crashing, the Tornado will skim over the treetops and soar back up into the clouds. Somebody will be waiting for me so I've got to fly higher.

Comments

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

Wow, you really poured you soul into that...

I've been thinking about you from time to time lately, and concluded that the reason it hurts you so much when you fail has nothing to do with being weak.

It's just that...you're strong enough that you hold yourself to a higher standard...Try to dream bigger. And when you've poured out your all, and things still haven't gotten better...then suddenly it's as if your sense of self has been shattered.

I think that...sometimes you're too hard on yourself. But then, I have that problem too. As I've gotten to know you, I've learned that sometimes you need encouragement, Jai, but that...sometimes you just need your friends to step back and give you a chance to work through your pain.

I still believe in you. You'll always be angel to me.

[leonskennedy827.livejournal.com]

I pretty much second what violett said here.

You're far from weak if you ask me, you need a helping hand here and there but who doesn't?

[leonskennedy827.livejournal.com]

oh, and it's not quite Saturday, but happy 24th dude! *hugs*

[djtifabal.livejournal.com]

Jai, you are capable of doing whatever you set your heart on.

With the belief that people gave you, you'll find your way back to the skies again. <3 Keep that faith in yourself.

P.S. It's Saturday here.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAI~!

I kind of forget that you're older than me. XD;;

[sphix.livejournal.com]

Excellent self-perception, Jai. And even though you often don't feel like you've left the ground, you're paving your own path, sky or no. The fact that you're alive and kicking is a testament to your will. (3

Keep flying high, then, Jaister~

EDIT - Dammit, happy 24th XD I suck at not going on tangents <_<

[eclective.livejournal.com]

A wonderfully inspiring series of dreams, in the sense that they do seem to suggest a dire situation that's slowly being remade, retconnect, in your own mind. I agree with violettsukino, too, in that you do seem to hold yourself to very high standards, and so failure is easy. Maybe you're learning to see that not all "failures" need to be fatal; in fact, sometimes a mistake just means you clip the treetops the slightest bit and keep flying.

I hope someday to hear you post of the dream where you soar.

The things that dreams are made of

[teamrodent.livejournal.com]

McGee: Does Tails get rid of Robuttnink's midnight noise machine in the dream?

Jamie: And how much SonTails is there in these dreams?

[flyfox-prower.livejournal.com]

Fly higher and Happy Birthday, Jai!

[twitchytwitch.livejournal.com]

Aww... that's very interesting! Well, at least your dreams don't sound downright crazy to anybody else. Mine always sound totally insane and I'm certain they don't seem to make any kind of sense to other people. ^^;

I hope you achieve that, Jai.