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flyboy_foxI haven't been bothered by those obsessive-and-deconstructive-thoughts-that-just-won't-go-away lately... I've actually been pretty calm. But I do have a tendency to dwell on things and to get upset over recurrent thoughts that I just can't seem to shake.
For the past week or so, out of pretty much nowhere, I started thinking a lot about Issue #114 of Archie Sonic.
For those who don't know (and why would you?), one of my fundamentally worst fears in the whole universe is that I'm not real. Yep, I've had this fear since I was tiny and it's been predominant throughout my life. The fear that who I am is just an illusion; that I'm not a product of nature but rather a clone or mirage or digital entity, created to be sentient rather than born that way. A truly irrational and borderline paranoid fear, but there, no doubt.
I remember Jei making a passing suggestion many years ago, when we were discussing the possibility of 'past lives', that perhaps I might be like Carol from the doujinshi-manga Chirality. Without going into depth it's suffice to say that Carol is an artificially created sentient lifeform designed to protect the world, and who forms a bond with the human protagonist, Shiori. It's a good manga, although it's yuri, so that might put a few people off. But the point is, Jei made this suggest pretty lightly, I think, but it horrified me and I haven't shaken it off since. She had unwittingly tapped into one of my greatest existential fears.
So what's that got to do with Archie!Sonic #114?
Everything.
Issue #114 of Archie ("Twice Told Tails") is like my worst nightmare penned between the coversheets of a trying-to-be-trendy comic book. The basis for that particular arc (which was 'abandoned' and then revisited to conclude it) was that Mammoth Mogul, who faced dematerialisation and permanant banishment, intercepted Tails' meeting with Althair when Tails was summoned as part of his 'chosen one' business. Having fox-knapped Tails, he trapped him in a Chaos field, keeping him indefinitely in his Turbo form and using his energy to remain on that plane of existence. More-or-less using Turbo Tails as a battery pack/generator to prevent himself from dematerialising.
So far so good?
Mammoth also planned in advance for the inevitable questions about Tails' absence and created a sentient clone to take his place. And that's where it starts to really bother me. The clone!Tails has no idea he's a fake. NO ONE has any idea until several months have passed and Clone!Tails starts having regular nightmares about a dark cave. After he sets out to find the cave, he and Sonic stumble upon Mammoth's 'lair' and find the real Tails trapped there. Clone!Tails is forced to face the reality that he's not the real deal, and that everything he believes and remembers was just 'planted' there, and that he's only been part of Sonic's life, and only been alive, for a couple of months. And that once the real Tails is rescued, Clone!Tails will fail to exist any longer.
Tails isn't in the next three or so issues after that. Then when he returns, it's as if nothing had ever happened. There's barely (if any!) any reference at all to the fact that Tails was trapped for several months and that there was a clone in his place. It really isn't taken as much of a big deal at all. And maybe it's not, in the grand scheme of things.
But to me it's a NIGHTMARE for everyone involved. And particularly... well, the clone. I mean, as far as he's concerned, he's Tails. Has no reason to doubt his existence. Just happily getting on with his life as part of the Freedom Fighters and as Sonic's best friend... only to find out in one awful instant that all of it's a lie. Man, it makes me shudder. The whole thing triggers a horrible reaction at the core of my being.
Also, why did it have to be Tails? That whole issue seems to be there just to psyche me out D:
And lastly: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4226834/1/Twice_Retold
Yeeeah. Issue #114 from Clone!Tails' P.O.V. And I'll shut up now.
For the past week or so, out of pretty much nowhere, I started thinking a lot about Issue #114 of Archie Sonic.
For those who don't know (and why would you?), one of my fundamentally worst fears in the whole universe is that I'm not real. Yep, I've had this fear since I was tiny and it's been predominant throughout my life. The fear that who I am is just an illusion; that I'm not a product of nature but rather a clone or mirage or digital entity, created to be sentient rather than born that way. A truly irrational and borderline paranoid fear, but there, no doubt.
I remember Jei making a passing suggestion many years ago, when we were discussing the possibility of 'past lives', that perhaps I might be like Carol from the doujinshi-manga Chirality. Without going into depth it's suffice to say that Carol is an artificially created sentient lifeform designed to protect the world, and who forms a bond with the human protagonist, Shiori. It's a good manga, although it's yuri, so that might put a few people off. But the point is, Jei made this suggest pretty lightly, I think, but it horrified me and I haven't shaken it off since. She had unwittingly tapped into one of my greatest existential fears.
So what's that got to do with Archie!Sonic #114?
Everything.
Issue #114 of Archie ("Twice Told Tails") is like my worst nightmare penned between the coversheets of a trying-to-be-trendy comic book. The basis for that particular arc (which was 'abandoned' and then revisited to conclude it) was that Mammoth Mogul, who faced dematerialisation and permanant banishment, intercepted Tails' meeting with Althair when Tails was summoned as part of his 'chosen one' business. Having fox-knapped Tails, he trapped him in a Chaos field, keeping him indefinitely in his Turbo form and using his energy to remain on that plane of existence. More-or-less using Turbo Tails as a battery pack/generator to prevent himself from dematerialising.
So far so good?
Mammoth also planned in advance for the inevitable questions about Tails' absence and created a sentient clone to take his place. And that's where it starts to really bother me. The clone!Tails has no idea he's a fake. NO ONE has any idea until several months have passed and Clone!Tails starts having regular nightmares about a dark cave. After he sets out to find the cave, he and Sonic stumble upon Mammoth's 'lair' and find the real Tails trapped there. Clone!Tails is forced to face the reality that he's not the real deal, and that everything he believes and remembers was just 'planted' there, and that he's only been part of Sonic's life, and only been alive, for a couple of months. And that once the real Tails is rescued, Clone!Tails will fail to exist any longer.
Tails isn't in the next three or so issues after that. Then when he returns, it's as if nothing had ever happened. There's barely (if any!) any reference at all to the fact that Tails was trapped for several months and that there was a clone in his place. It really isn't taken as much of a big deal at all. And maybe it's not, in the grand scheme of things.
But to me it's a NIGHTMARE for everyone involved. And particularly... well, the clone. I mean, as far as he's concerned, he's Tails. Has no reason to doubt his existence. Just happily getting on with his life as part of the Freedom Fighters and as Sonic's best friend... only to find out in one awful instant that all of it's a lie. Man, it makes me shudder. The whole thing triggers a horrible reaction at the core of my being.
Also, why did it have to be Tails? That whole issue seems to be there just to psyche me out D:
And lastly: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4226834/1/Twice_Retold
Yeeeah. Issue #114 from Clone!Tails' P.O.V. And I'll shut up now.
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no subject
Date: 2008-04-30 08:09 pm (UTC)and delight in calling shenanigans when someone else pulls offI'll leave a proper story review on ff.net.
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Date: 2008-04-30 08:26 pm (UTC)But yeah, my reaction to the whole thing probably seems really silly ^^;
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Date: 2008-05-01 12:18 am (UTC)Oh yeah, Puri left a review~ ♥ Nomnomnomnomnom
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Date: 2008-05-02 05:11 pm (UTC)Thanks so much for the review, Puriii! *Hugs*
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Date: 2008-05-01 02:28 am (UTC)But yes, the whole idea is quite a frightening concept. =/
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Date: 2008-05-02 05:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-05-01 03:44 am (UTC)But your story is amazing.. ;_; can't say it enough... just so beautifully written...
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Date: 2008-05-02 05:16 pm (UTC)And thanks for saying that about my 'fic n.n; It jut needed to be written. No one gives a damn about Clone Tails ;_;
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Date: 2008-05-01 04:08 am (UTC)But otherwise, that's actually a defense in court, the Simulated Reality defense where someone thinks they're in the Matrix and their actions have no consequences <_< Doesn't work very often.
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Date: 2008-05-02 05:09 pm (UTC)And yes, Late Goodbye is a great song. But, alas, angsty :(
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Date: 2008-05-02 03:43 am (UTC)As Jei said, your story is amzing and beautifully written. I feel really bad for the fake Tails as well as the real Tails. Poor foxie :/
Glad to hear your doing ok, Jai.
Also, not too terribly imporant, but did you by chance get my email a while ago regarding Sontails.com?
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Date: 2008-05-02 05:08 pm (UTC)About Sontails.com - it's sorta on hiatus for now 'cause I've been too busy to spend a decent amount of time on it (or even online, as you can probably tell from how infrequent my LJ updates have been lately). I have plans for it though.