~This is me pretending this is all I need~

[flyboy_fox]

Was really thinking about buying a Permanent Account... but it's just too expensive. $150 is an insane amount of money. It would take several YEARS to pay itself off in terms of how much I'm currently paying per annum for LJ. That, and I won't have any more money into my account for another week or so, after the PA sale is over. Aww well, whatever, hmm?

So, what else? I'm a Global Mod at =SSMB= now. Kinda came outta nowhere. Got a PM from the main admin asking if I wanted to join the staff... I agreed... and boom. Flyboy is =SSMB= Staff.

So, that was pretty awesome. You can stop reading here. Really, you should. :P I dunno, I haven't been myself lately. Just feeling kinda... inadequate, I guess. I'm not gonna go all emo on you (and that's partly why I haven't posted much lately, aside from general lethargy), but I just... yeah... feel inadequate. Like none of me is set in stone, and I'm not a complete 'real' person. I look at Jei... she's a student, she's an artist, and heck, she's a female. And then... I kinda have NO idea what I am. I mean... I just have no idea how to define myself. I don't even have a true gender identity. I have no idea what defines me beyond the fact that I'm undeniably a spaz and my bangs are always in my eyes. (Argh, get out.) And then there's the 'not quite right' side of me... the sensory integration problems I have that, whilst not as severe as things that many people have to live with, frustrates me to no end because it makes me feel like I'm not normal. Because I don't cope well in certain situations. I'm like a car that, although it runs, desperately needs to be fine-tuned. Always a little bit wobbly... veering the wrong way...the signal being unresponsive...

All in all, I guess I just feel like I'm a bundle of lose ends. I don't have a defined 'gender', my sensory processes and related coordination is 'broken', I don't have any real specific talents, I can't seem to hold a job or a college course... right now I just feel unworthy. How can I leave my metaphorical footprint if I can't even describe my metaphorical foot? Maybe I don't have one.

Eh, no. I'm not angsting... not in an "My life sucks, I need sympathy!" kind of way,anyway, 'cause it's not that way at all... I just feel very very... lost right now. It happens. I'll get my mojo back in a while.

Comments

[way-past-cool.livejournal.com]

I know this is something you go through from time to time, but I don't want you to be most. You're so creative, you're the most articulate person I know, you're so good with people and you're an awesome debater, you write SO well.... you're a definite writer, you so clever and intelligent and great at all sorts of puzzles o.o; scarily good, in my opinion. You've got lots that define you. And I love you.

Anyway, I'm sorry you've hit a low... I hope you feel better soon!

[nikkicub.livejournal.com]

Jai my love, everyone hits these sometimes--and the more intelligent people often feel it more strongly. You're not feeling normal because you're brilliant--you shine more than other people, and that can be hard to cope with because sometimes even the one who shines doesn't understand how or why.

Your talents are there--I've seen them. Don't worry. I won't say everything will be fine because it just never is, but it's possible to be happy in spite of that and you have the smarts, charm, and sheer ability to make it so. ♥

[sphix.livejournal.com]

Everyone loses their way once in a while, Jai. Everyone stumbles. But not everyone gets back up. And that's part of what defines you. You're a FIGHTER, Jai. You're gonna pull out of this. I know it ^_^

[(Anonymous)]

You're a big Sonic fan, and that's enough to make you 'adequate'. =)
-Collision Cat

[twitchytwitch.livejournal.com]

Are bangs in the eyes as bad as ridiculously long eyelashes that keep getting stuck in your eyes and are all stabbity argh the pain? I haven't had bangs in my eyes for yeeeears. ^^; Maybe you should get a hair-cut! I'm gonna cut off most of my hair. Since it mysteriously looks burned, though it's never actually /been/ burned...

... Ugh, leave it to me to focus on the bangs rather than everything else. ^^; I'm so useless!

Even if it's also totally useless, I hope you feel a little bit better later?

I think you're a very good artist. o.o I could NEVER draw Sonic and Tails. My Sonic always looks like the really really REALLY old chubby almost Mickey Mouse-ish Sonic, but with badly drawn legs and arms. xDD;

[shadowdingo.livejournal.com]

*hugs you* We all go through these sorts of moments. Me included. Remember, I have those sorts of problems as well, and you're never actually alone with having them. If you can surround yourself with people that have the same sorts of problems, you begin to feel slightly more normal.

And heh... I can't exactly set myself in stone that much either. ^^;; I'm female... that's about it. ^^;;

Personally, I think it's good to think. Intelligent people do that more often than people who aren't. From what I've seen of your journals, replies to comments and actual comments themself, you're quite a smart person. So, I can really see these sorts of moments as an understandable thing to go through.

And heh, I often wonder the same sorta thing. ^^;;

Btw, congrats on your position of Global Mod. Make sure you look after the forum well. XP

[hamlover.livejournal.com]

That's a clever simile Flyboy. Cars like that just need hugs, not tune-ups.

[(Anonymous)]

...and another thing! You're a 'Global Mod' on the Sonic Stadium! =D
-Collision Cat