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flyboy_foxWas really thinking about buying a Permanent Account... but it's just too expensive. $150 is an insane amount of money. It would take several YEARS to pay itself off in terms of how much I'm currently paying per annum for LJ. That, and I won't have any more money into my account for another week or so, after the PA sale is over. Aww well, whatever, hmm?
So, what else? I'm a Global Mod at =SSMB= now. Kinda came outta nowhere. Got a PM from the main admin asking if I wanted to join the staff... I agreed... and boom. Flyboy is =SSMB= Staff.
So, that was pretty awesome. You can stop reading here. Really, you should. :P I dunno, I haven't been myself lately. Just feeling kinda... inadequate, I guess. I'm not gonna go all emo on you (and that's partly why I haven't posted much lately, aside from general lethargy), but I just... yeah... feel inadequate. Like none of me is set in stone, and I'm not a complete 'real' person. I look at Jei... she's a student, she's an artist, and heck, she's a female. And then... I kinda have NO idea what I am. I mean... I just have no idea how to define myself. I don't even have a true gender identity. I have no idea what defines me beyond the fact that I'm undeniably a spaz and my bangs are always in my eyes. (Argh, get out.) And then there's the 'not quite right' side of me... the sensory integration problems I have that, whilst not as severe as things that many people have to live with, frustrates me to no end because it makes me feel like I'm not normal. Because I don't cope well in certain situations. I'm like a car that, although it runs, desperately needs to be fine-tuned. Always a little bit wobbly... veering the wrong way...the signal being unresponsive...
All in all, I guess I just feel like I'm a bundle of lose ends. I don't have a defined 'gender', my sensory processes and related coordination is 'broken', I don't have any real specific talents, I can't seem to hold a job or a college course... right now I just feel unworthy. How can I leave my metaphorical footprint if I can't even describe my metaphorical foot? Maybe I don't have one.
Eh, no. I'm not angsting... not in an "My life sucks, I need sympathy!" kind of way,anyway, 'cause it's not that way at all... I just feel very very... lost right now. It happens. I'll get my mojo back in a while.
So, what else? I'm a Global Mod at =SSMB= now. Kinda came outta nowhere. Got a PM from the main admin asking if I wanted to join the staff... I agreed... and boom. Flyboy is =SSMB= Staff.
So, that was pretty awesome. You can stop reading here. Really, you should. :P I dunno, I haven't been myself lately. Just feeling kinda... inadequate, I guess. I'm not gonna go all emo on you (and that's partly why I haven't posted much lately, aside from general lethargy), but I just... yeah... feel inadequate. Like none of me is set in stone, and I'm not a complete 'real' person. I look at Jei... she's a student, she's an artist, and heck, she's a female. And then... I kinda have NO idea what I am. I mean... I just have no idea how to define myself. I don't even have a true gender identity. I have no idea what defines me beyond the fact that I'm undeniably a spaz and my bangs are always in my eyes. (Argh, get out.) And then there's the 'not quite right' side of me... the sensory integration problems I have that, whilst not as severe as things that many people have to live with, frustrates me to no end because it makes me feel like I'm not normal. Because I don't cope well in certain situations. I'm like a car that, although it runs, desperately needs to be fine-tuned. Always a little bit wobbly... veering the wrong way...the signal being unresponsive...
All in all, I guess I just feel like I'm a bundle of lose ends. I don't have a defined 'gender', my sensory processes and related coordination is 'broken', I don't have any real specific talents, I can't seem to hold a job or a college course... right now I just feel unworthy. How can I leave my metaphorical footprint if I can't even describe my metaphorical foot? Maybe I don't have one.
Eh, no. I'm not angsting... not in an "My life sucks, I need sympathy!" kind of way,anyway, 'cause it's not that way at all... I just feel very very... lost right now. It happens. I'll get my mojo back in a while.
