~Mi casa, su casa~

[flyboy_fox]

Okay, well, I guess I'll try to explain a bit of what's making me feel so shoddy lately. Because it's not like me to be in such a slump for so long. I'm really hopeful that I'll get through this soon and feel better and regain my optimism (which isn't something I've really lost... it's just kinda buried under everything right now).

A big part of it IS the move. I know, it's fantastic that I'm moving to a seaside resort town, into a beautiful modern apartment overlooking the Grand Pier and the seafront... what's there to complain about? Nothing. I'm just not good with change. It stresses me out. All the people coming in and out of the house, prospective buyers, estate agents, furniture restorers...

...worst of all are the buyers, because they spend ages just walking around the house and in and out of my room, touching things, gossiping, asking me questions about the area (often questions I haven't got a clue how to answer)... I really don't like strangers wandering in and out of my room. And sometimes they'll just stand here in my room talking amongst themselves while I'm here at my computer... it makes me feel really uncomfortable. I'm kinda finicky about my privacy and my possessions. I don't even like when my mom comes into my room without asking. I know I'm a little weird about it, but that's just the way I am. So having complete strangers just wandering into my room pretty much daily with no warning... it just gets my back up. I don't like it...

...then there's all the stuff that has to be done. It's non-stop. Daily trips to the tip with bags full of junk, sorting through all our belongings trying to decide what to keep and what to throw away... my mom wants to be really ruthless, but I can't be like that. I love all my possessions, even if they're just a collectors' myriad of 'tack'. I find it very hard to let go of _anything_. So it's stressful trying to weed down my collections to a reasonable size for transferal to the apartment. And as well as the sorting, there's lots of DIY to be done... we finished fixing the garden wall (granted, cement-mixing is kinda fun), but there's still the roof tiles to be fixed... and we seem to be washing down the windows and walls almost daily, to keep the outside of the house looking pristine for visitors. Keeping the inside of the house presentable is a task too, especially with my brother around. I get kinda resentful having to pick up after him ALL the time just because he's too lazy... but... hey. I won't be living with him soon. So I've just gotta grit my jaw and deal with his annoyingness for a little bit longer.

The actual mechanics of the move aside, the move itself scares me a little too. I've lived here in suburban outer London all my life, and 13 years of it in this specific house. It's going to be VERY different moving out to the sticks (where life is MUCH slower, and 50% of the population speaks with a Somerset accent [think Alice Tinker from the Vicar of Dibley]). I'm looking forward to it in a way, but I'm also scared of leaving my comfort zone... I _know_ this place I'm in now. I don't know Weston-super-Mare at all. I'm scared and a little apprehensive, I admit it. And on top of that, we're only staying in the apartment until the house gets sold and we can buy a proper house out there. And so once that happens, we'll have to move all over again. Granted it'll be a smaller move... probably less than 10 miles, as opposed to the 150 miles we're traversing this time. But the thought of just settling down and then having to up and leave again... it makes me feel kinda sick, like I won't be able to relax in the apartment because I know it's only temporary.

So that about covers the move.

Then there's my dad. Last time he asked for £300 to cover his air fare to the UK. Now it's suddenly gone up to £600. My mom really doesn't even want him back in her life... but there's no alternative because my brother needs an adult to stay with while he finishes his A-levels here. Things have gone from bad to worse between my parents lately, and now even a phone call from my dad is enough to set my mom into a foul and tearful mood for the rest of the day. She hates him, and I honestly don't blame her. I have so much deep-seated resentment for him too. He's an arrogant irresponsible pathetic excuse for a father. He's never paid a penny towards me or my brother's upbringing. He refuses to get a 'menial' job to help pay the bills because it's 'beneath' him. He never even apologized to my mom for not being here when I was born. He had important business to attend and just couldn't make it. Oh well. He just... argh. He thinks a woman's place is in the home, yet he's happy to let my mom singlehandedly support the household with two jobs on the go, while he fritters around like a big shot at business conferences, namedropping all the aristocracy and celebrities he's met, supporting himself on his business expenses tab whilst never EVER bringing home any money for the family... heck, most of the time he's asking my mom for money! He makes me sick. Ugh. And now he's asking for money again. And my mom will HAVE to pay up, for my brother's sake. It's just not fair on her at all. I feel guilty for resenting my own father so much, but honestly, he's such an idiot! And he's almost 80 now. So it's not like he even COULD get a job anymore. *sigh* So he'll probably end up bedridden here and my mom will have to look after him in his invalidness. She said she'd sooner shoot herself than have to take care of him if he becomes infirm. It would be an unfair burden, to say the very least. If there was a way for him to just go away and leave this family alone... but no, he has to be here... at least my mom and I won't have to stay here. But she'll still have to support him financially. Tch.

On top of that, my brother's girlfriend just cheated on him by sleeping with someone else. Last time this happened, that was when my brother went out and attacked the other guy with a sock full of batteries, hospitalizing the kid and winding up with a guilty verdict of Actual Bodily Harm, resulting in an 8 month referral order. If he gets charged again, it'll be jail for sure. So right now, my mom is pretty much letting my brother get away with anything, for fear of accidentally upsetting him and having him go out and get himself into trouble again. So, that's booming 'music' all day, broken telephone handsets that have been thrown to the floor, and late night bar-crawls where he gets home at 5am stinking of alcohol and cigarette smoke... living with him right now is... difficult. But at least he hasn't been arrested yet.

And then there's the fact that Jei's been working on the farm almost all summer... I remember during the last few weeks of term-time thinking about all the wonderful time we'd get to have during the summer. During school, she doesn't get home 'til 4:30pm, which is 9:30pm GMT for me. It means I see very little of her during the week. So I figured we'd make up for it during the summer. There were a couple weeks where we had lots of time... then she went away on vacation for 10 days with her family, and since she's been back she's been working on the farm every day almost non-stop. This week she even worked both Saturday AND Sunday, despite working all the weekdays too... Don't get me wrong, I am SO proud of her for doing so much hard work at the farm market... but I miss having time with her. I hoped we'd have enough money between us so I could fly over for a week before the end of summer, even if it meant only getting to spend the afternoon with her, since she works 'til 2pm each day... but even with the money she's earned so far and the £150 I could contribute... it's not enough. Flight prices are insane this summer... upwards of £500. I've also gotta save some money to foot the phone bill, especially as it could take two weeks or more to set internet up in the new place. Still, I might get to see her in October or November, assuming we can both get time off work/school... but I really hoped to spend some summer time with her, since our last few visits have been wintertime ones. I shouldn't complain... but... right now I'd love to get away and just be with her for a bit, and it hurts that I'm seeing so little of her with how busy we've both been.

Other than that, lately I've just been feeling low and tearful, and horribly guilty for some reason. I'm not sure where the guilt's coming from, but it's reduced me to tears on more than one occasion, including while I was out in Weston apartment-hunting. I have no real reason to feel this way, but I just feel terribly inadequate right now. Like I don't deserve for people to be nice to me, and that I don't deserve to move to such a nice place, and that it's not fair to make my mom have to live with just me in that apartment. I know it's silliness, but even with that knowledge, I can't make it go away. I just feel depressed and guilty and like I should just sell everything I own and give the money to charity or something. I've messed up so often in my life, and I'm so afraid of messing up again. I'm scared and lonely and I just... well... I think I just need a hug. A real hug, from someone who isn't my mom. But I don't have 'real life' friends, and Jei's 5,000 miles away... so where am I gonna get a hug from, eh?

Nyeh... it'll pass. I won't give up. It's not as bad as a lot of people have it, so I should be thankful for that. Just needed to vent. ^^;