Bleh~

[flyboy_fox]

I guess it's that time of year again.

I'm going to try to man up about it this time around, but to be honest it frightens me. That crushing feeling of sadness and emptiness that just seems to come out of nowhere is hard to deal with, especially after a summer of really feeling rather good.

I'm a little more nervous this year because I made the decision to forcefully come off my 'meds' earlier in the year, I dunno how many people remember. I stopped taking them one day, deciding that I didn't want to rely on anti-depressants any more, went through a shit-ton of withdrawal and finally came out the other end feeling like a stronger happier person. Now winter is closing in upon us again and I'm afraid that I'll do a lot worse without that 'help'. This is the time of year when I've done less-than-stellar things before, due to the huge and rapid dip in my mood.

Jei being back at Uni all day and me being jobless and alone doesn't help... but it's up to me to do something about it, right?

I tend to feel crippled by this unexplainable sadness and hollowness that makes me feel like I don't even want to buy food for the next week because I don't deserve it or I won't be around to use it. It's ridiculous. It's just serotonin lacking, same as every other winter when the nights draw in early and there's much less daylight and much less sun. I know logically WHAT it is, but that doesn't help when I find myself curled up in a foetal position crying again.

Gosh, I sound so emo when I talk like that. I hate that. I'm not 'emo'. I'm just one of many MANY people who are affected by the seasons and suffer a form of depression in the winter months. Feeling sorry for myself is the lamest least productive thing I can do. I wish I knew how to just shake it off. I feel so guilty.