In which Jai is a little high, hoo~!

[flyboy_fox]

I have Sonic and SEGA All Star Racing now! Well, technically I will in a few minutes when Jei walks through the door with it, a second PS3 controller, and yummy Subway for dinner. Hah, seems kinda funny that I played the full SaSASR before most people (at the Alton Towers VIP event), yet I'm so late in actually snagging my copy D: Oh well. I can't wait to play! It's fun.

I have come to the (possibly unsettling) realisation that I 'ship' Scourge and Miles almost as hard as I 'ship' Sonic and Tails. This is hardly surprising given that I'm a die-hard Sontails shipper who admitted just a post ago that I really see a lot of Sonic and Tails in Scourge and Miles, despite their morality inversion. What makes it most odd is that I don't think I've ever shipped a non-fluffy couple before. Fluff is my staple... all my pairings are pure mush at heart. Sonic/Tails, Bunnie/Antoine, Knuckles/Sally, Bruce/Dick, Jessie/James, Doyler/Jim... They may have varying levels of issues and barriers, but they're all sweet as toffee when you get inside. I've always gone only for couples based on an underlying deep friendship and true love, however sickening that may be. Sure, there's ups and downs and fights and bumps... but it always comes back to 'd'aww...!' territory in the end. Because I like that.

So... what the fuck, Scourge and Miles? Why do I even ship them? My 'canon' for them is probably even more fucked up than their real canon. There's no fluff here, folks. No love. At all. But goddamn, the idea hooks me and I'm getting a little obsessed. And a little scared. Since when do I even like this kind of messed up set-up? And believe me, it's messed up. There's stuff in there, in my head, that I wouldn't even dream of writing in my sweet innocent LiveJournal. Huh. Go figure.

I blame Sonic and Tails for being some sort of gateway drug :\ But eh. Sontails will always be my drug of choice. I know I haven't spewed Sontailsy rainbows on here in a while XD But the time will come! When I'm done putting my brain through the meat-grinder that is Scourge/Miles/various sharp implements x_____x;;;;;

Aaaanyway! I'm a little high right now because I stopped taking the 20mg Escitalopram I was on because I ran out and forgot to get more. So I thought 'screw it' and decided to just come off it anyway because heck it probably doesn't do anything anyway and I don't wanna be a slave to drugs if all they're doing is keeping me dosed on drugs O_o;; ... but no one told me that going cold turkey on SSRIs is like zapping yourself in the brain with a taser every 20 seconds, coupled with feeling dizzy and drunk and barely being able to move without feeling like you're in a strobe lighting theatre. I don't mind it, really. Listening to music is serious fun when you're very lightheaded and drunk-feeling. But I did have a full-blown migraine attack the day before yesterday, which wasn't fun.

Should wear off in a few weeks at most anyway. Then we'll see if it really did make a difference at all.

Finally, Ladytron is my current music obsession. I dug out 'Ghosts' about a week ago, and now I'm hooked on 'Evil', 'Destroy Everything You Touch', 'High Rise' and 'Soft Power'. But they give me Scourge/Miles brain AMVs x.x I AM NOT THAT KIND OF FAN KTHPLZYESNORITE. FFFFFFFFF.

Oh goddammit I'm getting a headache again :(

This is happening for your pleasure
At your leisure
Use your evil
When you want

Comments

[eclective.livejournal.com]

But goddamn, the idea hooks me and I'm getting a little obsessed. And a little scared. Since when do I even like this kind of messed up set-up? And believe me, it's messed up. There's stuff in there, in my head, that I wouldn't even dream of writing in my sweet innocent LiveJournal. Huh. Go figure.

Heh; if you ever want to talk about it with me, I'm all ears. Seimei has been doing a similar thing to me, since he's been around: that feeling of being obsessed with things more twisted and awful than you'd normally say you like. And right now, after a bit of that, I'm well inured to the worst that could be said. Loveless canon is... well, pretty much all of the pairings involved are, if not various degrees of "loveless", then certainly pushing and in some cases outright shattering boundaries of normalcy, taste and decency. And consent. And "violating a minor who's also your kid brother" laws.

So yeah, I can take fucked up and not blush, right now.

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

I can't read your mind, so I can't tell if these are accurate, but I have two theories about why you might be into the idea of "Evil Sontails."

The first one is that you're using this to act out things that would be unpleasant in the real world in a way that's pleasurable in fantasies. Like, you get to either freely do awful things in fantasy that you'd never do in reality, or have horrible things happen to you while imagining that you wouldn't be as afraid, in your fantasy, as you would be in real life.

The second is that you may get a good feeling, maybe a sense of hope, in the notion that horrible people can still care for each other beneath the layers of hatred and insanity. You can correct me if I'm wrong, but you've always struck me as a cynic who wants to be an idealist, so maybe this pairing, while not the usual warm, fluffy, "feel good" romance that you usually like, could be comforting in the sense that you can see a tiny bit of love surviving despite the best attempts of hatred to crush it.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Hmm... well, maybe. I've been toying with the idea of setting up a filter on my LJ for certain entries, which is something I hadn't done since the fic'kin filter I made around a year or more ago (and subsequently only used about twice). I just don't like the idea of feeling like I have to hide things I think or feel like a dirty secret. But then again, I'm sure there's stuff there that other people wouldn't WANT to have thrust under their noses... But since when have I been someone who writes about, or even thinks, that kind of stuff? ^^; I dunno... eh.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Thing is, Blazey, it's not that. Not this time, anyway. There's no love at all in this pairing, not in my version of it. It's something entirely different. Love is replaced entirely by hate, and the only attachment there is one of perverse lust and power-thirst, and perhaps some type of destiny-bond stranglehold that has nothing at all to do with love.

It's so different to what I'm used to, and it's making my head hurt with how much I'm drawn to it ^^; I feel like a moth around a VERY dangerous flame.

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

Heh, I think that makes sense, Jai. If I'm reading you right, the thrill comes from the way that, with hatred removing all sense of real emotional attachment, the characters end up desiring each other in an "object" sort of way. Either "You are a pawn in my agenda," "I need you to keep from being bored," or "You are my sexy toy.":)

[hamlover.livejournal.com]

The drugs you went on took weeks to produce a noticible change, wouldn't it be a bad thing to have to wait weeks for them to kick in again if going off them does make things worse? I remember the huge drama that went down ages ago.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Eh ^^; I've been on these for about two years now, maybe even longer... They didn't stop me from hitting some really mad lows even as recently as a few months ago. I'm not sure that they do anything at all for me.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I guess that would probably be closer to it, yeah ^^; Eep.

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

Your fantasies probably aren't as strange as they may seem.^_^ They just seem like a natural way of working out primal desires inherent in human nature, even the desires seem confusing or frightening.

[eclective.livejournal.com]

It seems kind of a shame to have stuff you never talk about just because you can't talk about it to some of your friends, you know? No one tells everyone everything.

But I totally respect your feelings, and 'tis up to you. Just letting you know that some people out there won't think it's "too much".

[hamlover.livejournal.com]

Obviously they do. You said it yourself.

"Aaaanyway! I'm a little high right now because I stopped taking the 20mg Escitalopram I was on"

I don't think it's a good idea to fiddle with your meds. You probably won't notice a change, but I think if you look at your posts from now and before you might notice a difference.

[helen-hedgey.livejournal.com]

hey you're coming off an SSRI too! *high-fives*

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I guess maybe I'm afraid to think about it too much myself, y'know? ^^; I never wanted to be THAT kind of person... whatever 'THAT' is. I lost my first best friend to dark thoughts of a similar train.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

They're not even my fantasies. I would hate it, myself ^^;; It's just kind of... intoxicating to watch or think about.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I mean, the drugs don't actually level out my moods. I've had just as many lows on them as without. They're affecting me now because I'm suffering withdrawal and my brain is attacking itself ^^;;

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

You too? =D Nice! We can deal with the craziness together XD

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

Like an erotic train wreck!^_~

[(Anonymous)]

woah there flyboy please do us a favour and wean yourself down

as you will know, ssri's dont prevent you hitting lows, they work to give you more ooomph! whether that extra kick is in the right direction only u can say, but they certainly do something! plz plz plz plz plz plz wean down.
plz plz plz plz plz wean down

as a fellow clusterer take my word for it, cold-turkey off ssri's will cause the hell of your life.

[helen-hedgey.livejournal.com]

XDDD!

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

It's been about a week since I last took any, and I think I'm doing okay :) Thanks for the concern though.

[eclective.livejournal.com]

Your thoughts or theirs? (If you don't mind answering.)

I can understand not wanting to grow too far in a certain direction. I also do not think dark thoughts maketh the bad person, though. I've struggled with them for practically all my life end eventually realised that, no, I can be committed to a moral and positive outlook on life while not denying this part of myself. But I can understand if you think it might make you more likely to tend towards a way of being you don't necessarily enjoy.