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flyboy_foxI'm thinking again. I've got to do something about this.
I don't know what my problem is :\ For all the luck I've been given in my life, I just don't try.
I don't know what happened. When I was younger, before highschool, I was such an overachiever. Always did more than was expected of me. I loved to work. Sometimes the teachers would get mad at me for changing the rules of the homework assignments just to make it more challenging for myself. Maybe that's when I started to stop trying so hard, but when did I become so goddamn lazy?
I hate that I'm lazy. I hate to admit it, because I want to feel like I'm still a hardworker and trying my best. But I'm not. At all. In fact, since I dropped out of school at 14, I've probably been one of the laziest and slothful people on this planet. It makes me sick! So why do I do it?
The awful thing is, I do it because I can get away with it. Take college for instance. I'm doing an access course equivilent to getting 2 or 3 A-levels at school. I only have to be there 2 1/2 days per week, so you'd think my attendance would be pretty good, right? My attendance is probably about 40%. Sometimes I miss 2 weeks at a time before I bother going back in. You'd think they would have kicked me out by now, but they haven't. Because I'm actually not behind ._. I seem to be able to catch up with 2 weeks of work in about an hour once I'm back in class. My tutor is always remarking on my ability, and it makes me feel sick, because all my life since high-school I've been riding on my 'ability'.
Most people I know would consider me intelligent, I think. People who talk to me think I'm pretty educated. Then... I wonder what I could be if I actually started TRYING. I don't feel challenged at all by college and I never felt challenged at school either... I know that sounds like such a braggish thing to say, but it's the simple truth. School was too 'easy' for me. But that's only one side of a MANY splintered equation. I may be smart, but I am severely lacking in life skills. Academic intelligence is just one type of intelligence. There's also the intelligence of work ethic. Foresight. Effort and planning. Acknowledgements of ones faults! People who work hard and push forward are FAR smarter than I am in the long run. I want to be challenged, and University should hopefully offer me that challenge, but I'll never get there if I don't actually start trying again.
Thing is, when I do work, I work hard. I get carried away. I set fantastic projects for myself, just because I can. But it seems more and more rare that I find that spark. I used to be full of restless energy to create and achieve and push my limits... where did that go? I've had it too easy. The year before last, I landed myself an EXCELLENT full-time job earning £15,000 per year. Without any qualifications, the average wage is £8,000 per year... £10,000 if you're lucky. I was earning £15,000! I walked it. I wasn't even surprised. I got complacent, and that's such an ugly thing. And then I quit that job a year later to go to college, and look at me again, fucking that right up, just like everything else I've started since I left highschool.
I know I have potential... but here I am at 21, still living at home, doing next to nothing with my life, hating myself for it but never seeming to have the willpower to break the cycle for more than a few days.
I've gotta change. I've got to find that spark I used to have. Otherwise my life is going to be one big waste. I want so much to do something big in my life. Change the world, somehow... or at least make my little mark on it. But that's never going to happen if I just sit here like this feeling sorry for myself for something that's entirely my own fault. It's never too late to change. I can still do it, I just have to actually... um... try x.x
Sorry if any of this came across as arrogant. It's not intended... after all, natural intelligence and other such gifts are nothing to be proud of. It's how you use them that counts. And I'm only using a fraction of mine :\
I don't know what my problem is :\ For all the luck I've been given in my life, I just don't try.
I don't know what happened. When I was younger, before highschool, I was such an overachiever. Always did more than was expected of me. I loved to work. Sometimes the teachers would get mad at me for changing the rules of the homework assignments just to make it more challenging for myself. Maybe that's when I started to stop trying so hard, but when did I become so goddamn lazy?
I hate that I'm lazy. I hate to admit it, because I want to feel like I'm still a hardworker and trying my best. But I'm not. At all. In fact, since I dropped out of school at 14, I've probably been one of the laziest and slothful people on this planet. It makes me sick! So why do I do it?
The awful thing is, I do it because I can get away with it. Take college for instance. I'm doing an access course equivilent to getting 2 or 3 A-levels at school. I only have to be there 2 1/2 days per week, so you'd think my attendance would be pretty good, right? My attendance is probably about 40%. Sometimes I miss 2 weeks at a time before I bother going back in. You'd think they would have kicked me out by now, but they haven't. Because I'm actually not behind ._. I seem to be able to catch up with 2 weeks of work in about an hour once I'm back in class. My tutor is always remarking on my ability, and it makes me feel sick, because all my life since high-school I've been riding on my 'ability'.
Most people I know would consider me intelligent, I think. People who talk to me think I'm pretty educated. Then... I wonder what I could be if I actually started TRYING. I don't feel challenged at all by college and I never felt challenged at school either... I know that sounds like such a braggish thing to say, but it's the simple truth. School was too 'easy' for me. But that's only one side of a MANY splintered equation. I may be smart, but I am severely lacking in life skills. Academic intelligence is just one type of intelligence. There's also the intelligence of work ethic. Foresight. Effort and planning. Acknowledgements of ones faults! People who work hard and push forward are FAR smarter than I am in the long run. I want to be challenged, and University should hopefully offer me that challenge, but I'll never get there if I don't actually start trying again.
Thing is, when I do work, I work hard. I get carried away. I set fantastic projects for myself, just because I can. But it seems more and more rare that I find that spark. I used to be full of restless energy to create and achieve and push my limits... where did that go? I've had it too easy. The year before last, I landed myself an EXCELLENT full-time job earning £15,000 per year. Without any qualifications, the average wage is £8,000 per year... £10,000 if you're lucky. I was earning £15,000! I walked it. I wasn't even surprised. I got complacent, and that's such an ugly thing. And then I quit that job a year later to go to college, and look at me again, fucking that right up, just like everything else I've started since I left highschool.
I know I have potential... but here I am at 21, still living at home, doing next to nothing with my life, hating myself for it but never seeming to have the willpower to break the cycle for more than a few days.
I've gotta change. I've got to find that spark I used to have. Otherwise my life is going to be one big waste. I want so much to do something big in my life. Change the world, somehow... or at least make my little mark on it. But that's never going to happen if I just sit here like this feeling sorry for myself for something that's entirely my own fault. It's never too late to change. I can still do it, I just have to actually... um... try x.x
Sorry if any of this came across as arrogant. It's not intended... after all, natural intelligence and other such gifts are nothing to be proud of. It's how you use them that counts. And I'm only using a fraction of mine :\
