TL;DR - In which Jai has something of an epiphany. He is NOT Tails, and rather, is made of fail.

[flyboy_fox]

Sleep helped a bit, I think. Bearing in mind that last night I was literally communicating with Jei via keyboard-head-smashes (which, btw, look like: "[-p[-pp00"), I guess coherent typing is something of an improvement.

Guess I'll explain.

Yesterday I had to travel 100-ish miles to Bournemouth, to visit my university for a 'Needs Assessment'. What this entails is pretty much a solid three hours of being quizzed, grilled and interrogated about pretty much every aspect of my day-to-day life and my academic/social/vocational history. The reason I had to do this is because I am eligible for an amount of funding and support to assist me during my studies at Bournemouth University.

In other words, I would fall into the bracket of having "Additional Learning Needs" (ALN).

This is something that has been a bone of contention throughout my life. I'm not happy about it. The idea that I'm in some way faulty or broken bothers me deeply, and I guess I'm too prideful to admit that I have problems. The sad thing is, I can tick all the boxes. I'm a classic example of the failure at life with delusions of grandeur.

Where do we start? I was diagnosed at 14 with Asperger's Syndrome, a mild form of autism. This is a label I have NEVER been content with. I don't believe that I am autistic, but at the time I was called a "textbook case". The diagnoses was re-evaluated at age 21, in which a revised report placed me as 'Borderline'.

I don't tell people that I 'have AS', because I don't really believe that I do. There's such a stigma to it... yet so many people seem to want to embrace the label as an excuse for their antisocial behaviour or stubborn rigidity. I will never use AS as an excuse for my faults. It's not cool. It's a cop-out.

I think the basis for my diagnosis stems mostly from the Sensory Integration issues I have. If I ascribe to being disabled in any way, it would be these that are my major problems. I'm not gonna list 'em, but suffice to say I do have a problem with processing sensory information. Sometimes it stutters and jars and becomes totally fractured, and sometimes a rush of it can knock me out like a punch to the head. Thus, the inevitable result is that I often feel like I'm walking headlong against an increasingly strong wind.

It manifests in a number of ways. I have Dyspraxic tendencies, which means I'm more than a little clumsy at times, I have an incredibly awkward and painful pen grip, and there are days when I can't do things as simple as turning on a tightly closed tap, opening a bottle/jar or fastening a stiff button. Of course there are other days when I can do these things fine. I also can't hold faces in my memory. I get very confused between left and right. My depth/scale perception is gloriously skewiff. Basically, on a bad day I'm a mess.

On a good day, I'm fine. I deal, it's no biggie, hey - I'm normal! So I like to forget that I have 'problems'. And I like to pretend that my crazy obsessions and inability to cope with change and my reliance on routine etc are all just part of my 'quirky' personality, and not cluster symptoms of being a very badly put-together person who uses fantasy to escape from the reality of simply being inadequate.

So day to day, I'm chipper, fine, relatively confident (as long as nothing throws me), ambitious even.

But it's amazing what three hours of going over past failings and listing everything you need help with and all the potential situations that can disorient you can do. Looking at the support package BU wants to offer me, I honestly feel like crying. It's not that I'm not grateful - I am! But that they think I fit the criteria for this... it's disheartening. I always play down my problems, but clearly I am so obviously a broken person that it does not matter.

I need to let go before I end up as a main feature on ED. Stop relying on fantasy. Stop pretending to be what I'm not. Grow up. It's about time, Jai, you're 23 and about to (finally) go off to university. I have to do some serious hard thinking.

I don't know what I'll do. But I have to do something before I delude myself into mental illness. If I don't break away now, I never will.

Comments

[shadowdingo.livejournal.com]

I... really have no words to say. I know exactly what you mean by trying to pretend I don't have problems. I do this a lot myself too. I often have complete troubles on the simple things, like opening cans, bottles, windows in my old comprehensive school etc., and it's often had me mocked and laughed at. Sometimes, the only way I felt I would fit in was to mock myself. And I honestly think that's why I've ended up with this appalling self-esteem and horrible habit of saying I fail at everything. What really doesn't help is that low self-esteem is one of many symptoms of a Dyspraxic person. I've had a good ten years to fight my symptoms, but most of them I never think I'll be able to push away for good. That being, the mental ones. Low self-esteem, maybe even shaky emotions too, I don't know about that one. Perception still sucks, and measuring distances without some sort of guide really throws me off.

Being reminded of my own problems is getting me a bit teary too. It's really horrible to think about that, ne?

From one broken person to another, I really want to say that I will always be here for you, Jai. Knock me up on AIM, spam me on LJ, I really don't care, hell, write me a letter if you want, you should still have my ad. Regardless of any truth, I respect you, and that is not going to change. I really don't give a toss about your problems, because I have some of my too. But, even if I didn't, it's only the idiots who see the, dare I call it, 'disability', and not the person.

I'm afraid all I have to offer is a virtual hug, so... *virtual hug*

[rainsingingwolf.livejournal.com]

But that they think I fit the criteria for this... it's disheartening. I always play down my problems, but clearly I am so obviously a broken person that it does not matter.

I understand. I haven't been in that exact situation, but it reminds me of something I had gone through. It really is hard to admit that one has problems, but even harder to accept help. Just remember that receiving help isn't a bad thing. We all have problems, and sometimes they are worse than other days.

Not too long ago people were graduating from school without knowing how to read because they didn't have programs to help them. These kinds of programs are meant to make the educational experience better.

Remember, despite everything, you've made it this far. :)
*hugs*

[helios-inferno.livejournal.com]

I think your problem is primarily that you see your autism as something making you "less" then normal, or perhaps even as something making you less sane then others.

It's true that there are many who simply get the label of autism and subsequently act towards it, and hiding behind it when faced with problems. It are those who are just making it harder for themselves, and will not likely get much success in life till they learn to make an effort of trying to live with it (and possibly improve) rather then simply using it as excuse for everything without doing any effort to change or pursue anything in life.

However, the reason you still fail is because completely ignoring you have certain difficulties with processing or coping with particular situations will not help you advance either.
I think the main point is, that at one side you should learn to accept the problems you have, and on the other hand learn to see such difficulties, not as something that will brand you as outsider of society or other negative thoughts you may have about it.
You will have to learn to live with your problems, and sometimes there are ways to work problems you have.
Learning how to cope with them is not the same as simply hiding behind a label, as it still means you actively find solutions to work around or live with difficulties to an extend that makes you able to live and act well enough in society to survive.
With that, you also create a path to success in your own way, even if that means having a label placed upon you.

The problem is indeed that with labels come assumptions from people who are less understanding or do not know more then what little they may have found out through others or a google/wiki search, but it's not the same as a "stigma".
Personally I am against labels for multiple reasons, being the most important one that they will give people assumptions from one generalised picture. However helpful it may be to give a name for a problem you have, and it will give some recognition in some way, it is by no means a very good picture to represent anyone with a label as everyone is unique and entirely different in one way or other.
The stigma you speak off, is more that some people will think very negatively over certain labels by assuming a very bad case of it, while it has many different ranges and everyone is to approached individually. It only can indicate you have difficulties with certain things, which some specifics in variable ways and sometimes far from as serious as they may envision them. (but it's hard to really know what it is to be autistic or have such problems as a whole)

I think it's therefore good to not introduce yourself with the label, but simply let people know you personally for whom and how you are. For when you think about it, everyone has things they are good/bad at, and even though it may sometimes be more serious then others only the ones causing a problem will be diagnosed and given a label. Who is to say I, myself, would not be diagnosed to have certain autistic or qualities of various labels if I where to ever be diagnosed?
That I have yet to get into any serious kind of trouble means does not mean I don't have any kind of trouble at all, but as most..you eventually find a way to try and live with various troubles to the best of your ability.
Improvement can come in some areas, but there will always be "flaws" in any man, things you simply cannot change. You can't ignore them, or hide behind them, all you can do is being sure you know your weaknesses and try to improve or work around them to the best of your ability.

Just remember, that people will not "know" or recognise you for the problems you have, but will look at your overall character. It's the same reason people like you, find you interesting, or may even love you.
If they looked only at the label, it would be like judging a book by it's cover; Only the contents truly show it's worth.

[helios-inferno.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry it's SO long :O

But to keep it short:
I know it's hard to have to accept you have a problem/label placed on you, and accepting help over it.
But if you can make use of it, and with it learn to get better and get through those things, it really is not a shame to accept it.
Just make sure you make use of it, and you do your best!
In that way you earn the extra support by simply doing your best getting through the whole thing :)

I just hope I didn't type too much nonsense XD

[dia-aren-marie.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure what to say, but no matter what, Jai is Jai, and what Jai is is beautiful.

*lots of hugs* ♥

[leonskennedy827.livejournal.com]

I know what you mean, I have Aspergers but try to hide it yet I fit the criteria for it so well that it's not funny, and I know what you mean about trying to hide the fact that you have problems and such

*hugs*

[psychicninja.livejournal.com]

One is only broken when they no longer try.

Jai... I can think of many, many words to describe you. Quirky, fun-loving, silly, geeky, adorable, sweet, prone to the occasional mopey spree, random, awesome, kind...

Broken? Appears no where on my list.

You already said that some people would embrace such labels and use them as excuses. They just take whatever people tell them. They don't try. And they don't stand up and say despite what everyone says, they can surpass that and be so much better than any expectations.

Which you do. And I've seen it in you just being everyday you.

You are intelligent. Beyond belief, really.

And maybe that's not to say that any help wouldn't be nice. Heck, maybe it would do some good. But it certainly doesn't mean you're broken that such things are being offered. It's merely a package, Jai. So what if you fit some criteria that people made up? The criteria doesn't matter. How can it? Because I know you're beyond capable. You're smart and determined enough. You aspire. That's more than I can say for most.

...and hon. Just remember, even if for some reason you honestly feel you need to 'stop pretending'? It's not something you're not. Tails never gave up either. Then let him be your role model, Jai.

Keep tryin', hon. Even with all the heart-crushing devices life throws at us, we aren't broken until we give up.

*hugs*

[twitchytwitch.livejournal.com]

Jai, you're not broken. Just about everybody is limited in some way or another.

I do not claim to be as "broken" as you are, in any way, so please do not think I am trying to belittle your problems by stating my own, but I wish to illustrate a point:
I need to wear glasses throughout the day because my eyesight is so bad I had never even knew what my step-mother really looked like until I wore my new pair for the first time. I have skin so soft I end up with plenty of cuts and scratches by the end of the day, most of which I don't even know how I got. I have speaking problems; I think much faster than I speak, so that I'm at one point in a sentence while my thoughts are in the middle of another sentence, and I often end up wanting to say everything all at once, injecting part of one sentence into another, jumbling my words and sounding totally incomprihensible.
I cannot pick up the little nuances everybody else can; I speak my mind honestly with an almost child-like naivete. It takes me more concentration and thought to walk and stand the way "normal people do."

I have yet to meet a single person who is completely ordinary. People might seem that way on the surface, but nobody is entirely "normal," so I suppose it's normal... not to be normal. ^^;

Everybody has problems. As for learning? I disagree with schools for a variety of reasons, but one of my biggest is that every child learns differently. We all learn at different speeds. Some might not be "slow" enough to need to be put into a special needs class, but they're all different.

Gah. I don't even know how to say this anymore, but you need to stop putting yourself down!

And it's not your fault. It doesn't matter if you're broken person or a seemingly-non-existent "perfect" person. It makes no difference to who you are, because who you are to us has near to nothing to do with that.

I'm sorry if I sound insensitive and/or offensive; that was entirely unintentional and I know I can't even begin to imagine how hard this must be for you. I know, but I don't want you to feel so low.

[eclective.livejournal.com]

I think your problem is primarily that you see your autism as something making you "less" then normal, or perhaps even as something making you less sane then others.

Seconded.

Having some non-standard stuff going on with your physical body wouldn't make you less of a person, a failure at life, or someone who needs to use fantasy as a crutch to escape from being "inadequate". (You could just be someone who dwells within these things because you like them and they're meaningful to you and they make you happy, you know? That's not having a crutch just because these things take your mind off your worse times. It's called enjoying your life and finding meaning. "Normal" people do it all the time, though one could argue that sometimes they don't do it enough.)

Having some non-standard stuff going on with your brain/perception/ways of absorbing information is the same thing. It doesn't make you an inherently flawed person, or make all your thoughts likely to be crazy and delusional. It just means you work a bit differently from "the majority". Just for the record, many of the world's best artists, writers, inventors, etc. had some mental differences from the norm. People who have trouble with some kinds of perception/processing are often better at other kinds of mental activity, such as creativity/later thinking/focus, than others. It's not a net loss.

The whole idea of "needing support making you a flawed person" is an arbitrary stereotype. We all need support for one thing or another, at some point in your life. If you break your leg you need a crutch or a wheelchair. But breaking your leg isn't a part of "you" any more than perceiving things differently need be a part of you, unless you choose to embrace it and say it's a positive in some way. It doesn't affect your capacity to do good things, to be a person who helps make this world a little bit of a better place... and really, that's all that matters. That's the only goal in life that one should ever attribute any value to, in my opinion... making the world better in some way, for yourself or for others. And you do that, already, I've seen, just by talking to people. Already you've helped make my life a little bit better once when I needed it, and that stuff's rarer than gold. I'll remember you for it, even if you never spoke to me again ever. That's really all that matters: adding the gold to people's lives, and finding it in your own.

Don't judge yourself by arbitrary standards of success or failure or brokenness. Judge yourself by what you have to give. In your case, that's a lot. You know what I tend to consider to be "flawed" in a person? When they're emotionally dead. When they're cruel and calculating and harsh and bitter. When they're willing to use others as stepping stones to get to the top, because some material goal is all they care about. When they've lost their sense of wonder, beauty, art, compassion, but are only in it for the prize. Or when they don't think at all: when they're ignorant and petty and willing to soak up every lie society tells them about what's important without ever questoning themselves. I don't care how someone's brain works as long as I think there's a thinking, feeling, intelligent person behind there: a decent person, in other words. Many people who have normal brain structures are surprisingly non-decent, non-functional people for those reasons. You're a smart, thinking, caring person. That's all you need to be.

Also, trufax: no one ever went insane from believing in unusual stuff too much. The people who believed and went insane were already insane to begin with, or were specifically brainwashed into being so. Otherwise, the entirety of the institution of religion would be shut down for turning people into seething lunatics.

[capncloudchaser.livejournal.com]

I don't exactly know you that well, so I can't comment, but you struck me as a very friendly and interesting person when I saw you at SoS and I just wanted to say that you're not alone, and you have some good friends here offering the right advice and words.

[hoyvinglavin64.livejournal.com]

Aspergers doesn't mean broken. I have Aspergers and I'm certainly not "broken". Maybe "differently built" might be a better way to describe it. There's a lot of good to come with the bad in the condition. Spielberg and Dan Ackroyd been diagnosed with it. Tim Burton and Bill Gates probably have it. Andy Warhol, Albert Einstein, Sir Isaac Newton, and Michaelangelo are thought to have had it. They certainly aren't/weren't "broken".

So you're done with all the fictionkin stuff because of all this? Well, I wish you luck no matter what spiritual path you end up on, but don't hate yourself for whatever issues you may have and please celebrate whatever strengths you have.

[sphix.livejournal.com]

First things first, Jai is comprised of utter win.

Now that we have that out of the way, let me get this out of the way: Growing up is overrated ;3 In fact, I think it's rather more fun to enjoy fantasy and the like as much as you can, and only act grown-up when you have to XD

Everyone has their little things about them, Jai. Yours are no different. And everyone has their high and low points. Yours are no different. What sets you apart, makes you awesome, is that you don't let it take you down. You've kept moving through all of this and it's made you better and stronger than you would have been without it.

Also, I echo everything Chasey said :3 Keep that chin up, Jaister.