When you fall get up, oh-oh, and if you fall get up, eh-eh~

[flyboy_fox]

So... damage report for tonight:

Admittedly, I blazed my way through all four Bacardi Breezers and half a bottle of Malibu. BUT I did not touch the vodka. That was a conscious effort. I did not touch anything stronger than 21% and most of it was 4%. I made an effort to stop drinking and cool down any time that I felt like I was getting beyond pleasantly tipsy, and I made sure to keep conversation going all night, lest I fall into incoherence. I had a really awesome and fascinating conversation with Jei about Isaac Asimov's "The Last Answer", which I think I must have been fairly sober for, so I'm glad.

Overall, not really a success, but not a disaster, either. I found that I can actually end up in a 'good place' from lower volume alcohol for a fair bit longer. Malibu, particularly, makes me feel really good without getting beyond that point. I suppose that might be because it's not so strong and therefore I don't end up going past that good place and just getting completely slaughtered. Okay, so it might not be an instant quit, but it's something. I feel cautiously optimistic about these revelations. It was a better night than I expected without the vodka.

I also did have strict words with Miles. Well, I tried to. I realised I couldn't stop him from forming his own persona and being his own person, but eh. I was going to try to post to his journal and talk to him there, but he made it quite clear that was not going to happen, so I backed off. That's fine. He can do his own thing there and I'll leave him alone. I'm not too worried, since anything he posts there will have to go through me first. I feel fairly confident that I have the reins here and he's not going to get control of me, so... Yeah. Whatever. He can do what he likes, and I'll leave him to it. I actually feel quite comfortable now. I'm not going to be scared of part of my own mind, however much he threatens me. I'm in charge. I feel pretty good.

So! Cross-trainer is coming tomorrow. I'm going to get fit. I think I needed to have this little breakdown to build myself up again. Miles might even be useful here, since he's far more concerned about me being an overweight slug than I am n.n;; So... gonna get this thing put together, gonna take my life in hand, gonna put my woes behind me and get on with it.

Oh, and just for the record:

Shakira is so beautiful. Damn, girl can dance! Watching her and this video, I can almost see why they call it "The Beautiful Game". I find her incredible. I suppose I'm biased because she's half-Colombian like me, but I see in her an inspiration. I want to be able to dance like her, to move like her. I could almost be happy with my femininity if only I could dance like her.

Tsamina mina eh eh
Waka waka ey ey
Tsamina mina zangalewa
¡Porque esto es Africa!

But jeeez... England, WHY are you SUCKING so MUCH? Get your act together. This is supposed to be exciting, not phenomenally depressing and mediocre. If we get knocked out before the Groups are done, I will be most disappoint.

Anyway, to conclude... I didn't win everything tonight. I have a way to go. But I'm making progress and nobody is going to stop me (:

Thank you to everyone who gave me advice. You are all amazing and I feel honoured to count you among my friends.


Edit: So, I did actually post to Miles' journal and manage a couple of very brief conversations. It came to nothing, really, because he's basically obsessed with his hatred of me and can't seem to comprehend having any sort of constructive conversation. While I'm not entirely surprised, I am sort of disappointed. I'd hoped he'd be more interesting than that. But I suppose he is the weakest parts of me, so... eh. I'll give him time. I don't even feel weird about having LJ conversations with myself, any more. I just wanna... I dunno. Heal that part of me? I don't know if it's possible. Maybe I'll get something constructive out of it eventually. If for now he just wants to be angry and abusive towards me, that's fine. Get it out of his/my system. Even if we never reconcile, at least I'm giving him that chance, to be more than just my anger and negativity.

Edit 2: I want one of those "This time for Africa" shirts.

Comments

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

It's more of a philosophical/psychological short story. The premise is basically that a fellow dies and a force beyond him - possibly a god or creator - allows his mind to continue. However, this will end up being a literal hell for him as he will now spend the rest of eternity as nothing but pure thought. All he can do is think. It's basically his thought dialogue with this eternal being which chose him, and his realisation that his only escape is to dedicate his existence to thinking of a way to destroy either himself or the entity keeping him awake. It's really quite deep and I see it as a bit of a horror story, really.

I'm not sure how happy I'd be in Colombia... there are a lot of problems there. Much of the country is desperately poor, and there is still much sexism and homophobia, as well as the known problems with drugs cartels and guerillas. But the language is beautiful (I prefer Colombian Spanish over European or Mexican Spanish), the music is amazing (Cumbia!), the country itself is beautiful with an incredibly rich heritage, the food is delicious, and the clothing is so colourful and festive. I would definitely like to visit some day (:

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

Hmm, reading that description reminds me of why I'm no longer as afraid of death as I used to be.^_^

I guess every culture has its horrific parts and its beautiful parts. Perhaps part of human advancement is recognizing which parts of human culture are actually worth keeping. :)

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Indeed! (:

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

Oddly, enough, I thought the vision of the world shown in Sonic Unleashed was kind of like that.:) All the beauty of human culture without the xenophobia and abuse. I hope the real world can be like that some day. :)