flyboy_fox: (3.14 PIE!! XD)
***OMG Ian Flynn commented on them on Facebook and said "Holy crap those are amazing!" :DDDD Yay!***

They're finally done XD; They were supposed to be ready for Summer of Sonic '11 a couple weeks ago, but of course life happened and we didn't go, nor have time to finish these. Anyway, they're Scrog's handiwork, specifically, which is amusing and kind of endearing but also pretty badass. Lol, what are you holding behind your back Miles idek TREASON



Moar? )

Small/crappy images 'cause LJ will break if I post big ones, but if you wanna see the detail, they're on DA in better quality:

Scourge: http://zoomswish.deviantart.com/#/d3leomz
Miles: http://zoomswish.deviantart.com/#/d3lep2q
Both: http://zoomswish.deviantart.com/#/d3lepek

EDIT: Reposted with compiled images.
flyboy_fox: (Teamwork)
Watching Jei's graduation ceremony at Wimbourne Minster via webcam right now.

I'm so proud of you, Jei-ji, my awesome First Class Honours shmoo n.n You're the best. (Miles is proud of you too, you know, but insists that when he told you to "break a leg", he meant it literally :P). Can't wait to be with you later tonight when you get home.

Jei has a First Class Honours Degree in Modelmaking! Yay! Pixar/Disney/Universal etc, here we come! ♥
flyboy_fox: (I has a sads ;_;)
So, I'm alone in my house again right now, because Jei's gone back to Bournemouth one last time... for her Graduation. It was the hardest decision to make, her going alone. Before all the cancer stuff, the plan was that my mum was going to drive Jei and I there and my mum and I would be in the audience in place of Jei's parents, who couldn't make it from over in America. But my mum, understandably of course, is in no fit state to drive all that way (it's about three hours in the car). She felt so guilty about it, she was almost in tears, even though Jei and I told her over and over again that it was fine and that she just needs to rest and take care of herself. So then there was the idea of me going with Jei and us staying in a hotel room, but after we talked it over, we both agreed that I shouldn't leave my mum alone here. And then, also, if Jei goes alone she can stay at her Uni friend's house overnight and save us the cost of a hotel. I guess it makes sense, but my heart feels heavy and my gut feels sick. Jei won't have any guests in the audience when she graduates with her astounding first class honours degree tomorrow. I'll watch on the streaming webcam with my mum, but... yeah. I just feel really sad and guilty.

My mum is coping okay, but as you can imagine it's been hard. She's so strong, and she tries to occupy herself... but every now and then she breaks down in tears and says she can't deal with this and she's so afraid. She says that she can't do anything... She tries to watch a movie and she can't pay attention, she tries to read a book and her eyes just travel down the page without taking anything in, she tries to sleep and her mind just churns over and over. On top of that, the cancer nurse told her to stop taking her HRT immediately, so she's also suffering sudden menopausal symptoms like hot flushes, mood swings and exhaustion. I'm trying my best to stay peppy and upbeat for her, but occasionally I have to just go to my room and cry. My anxiety is, as you could guess, getting bad again. I'm having horrible graphic and vivid nightmares about my mum dying or suffering horribly. I wake up feeling less rested than when I go to sleep. But I know that no matter how bad I'm feeling, it's so much worse for my mum and I have to stay strong for her.

The clinic appointment to find out how serious the cancer is and what treatment options are available is on Monday. I'm anxious to get the answers, but also dreading it. My mum also has to have another core biopsy done on Wednesday (for the lump on her other breast), which is ALSO the day that Jei is supposed to be going back to America - another thing I'm dreading. She's said that she'll stay here longer if I need her to, which I'm so grateful for, but I don't want to stop her from going back... she hasn't seen her family in a full year!

I got in touch with The Royal Marsden Hospital in Sutton as it's one of the best Cancer Specialist hospitals in the UK and it's also near where my brother lives, so my mum could stay there if she had to. I also did some research into Nicolas Gallegos, who is the Breast Surgeon at Weston General if my mum elects to get treatment here in Weston instead. Just getting as much info as I can.

I'm stressed, tired and unhappy... but I think I'm coping. I have to. No matter what happens, I'm the one who has to be strong. My brother was great and came down for a couple of days, but he's gone again now. It's all me.

My mum's birthday is on July 11th. I got her the new Terry Pratchett book. I wish I could give her No Cancer.

Thanks everyone who responded on my last post(s). if I haven't replied yet, I will try my best to get around to it today. So sorry for the morbid content of my posts. I'm a horrible miseryguts anyway, aren't I, and this doesn't make it any better :P
flyboy_fox: (Yeeeah not good.)
I'm trying my hardest to keep it together, but any time I stop for even just a moment, it all floods over me, drowning me in what-ifs and sickening dread. If it's like this for me, I can't imagine how it is for my mum. She has to wait until Monday July 4th before she'll know how invasive her cancer is and what the treatment options for her are.

My mum is an incredibly strong person, one of the strongest I know. But I know that she's petrified. She's a very rational person, but she's getting a little superstitious, talking about how she had that car crash a couple months ago and now this. She's also pretty convinced that the prognosis is grim because the doctor apparently didn't seem too hopeful... he said the lumps were pretty deep in the tissue and that the presence of the third one on her other breast means it's likely to have spread further... Also he got in the palliative nurse from the hospice to talk to her. Classy. But anyway, there's no sense in panicking at this stage. We won't know the full story until July 4th. My mum did ask me to go with her to that appointment, however, despite her insistence of going alone to the last one, which is quite telling of her state of mind. All the hugs and cups of tea in the world aren't enough for my mum right now ;_;

Heh, I just got a call from my brother. He found out about the cancer last night and now he's driving down from London today with his girlfriend Alix to spend a few days here on a surprise visit. Bless his li'l cotton socks.

Anyway, one final little bit of happy news: Jei finally got her degree results in and she got a First! She now has a Bachelor of the Arts Model Making Degree with First Class Honours. I am so proud of her. We were both expecting a high 2:1 but she got an 82% on her final extended major project (the ball-jointed dolls based on the two main characters from our 'Calamity!' steampunk webcomic) which pushed her final grade average up to a 1:1. Both her mum AND my mum screamed when they heard the news XD It was nice to have some great news after these harrowing few days.

Stay well, everyone.
flyboy_fox: (Default)

My mum has cancer. Both lumps in her breast are cancerous and there's a third in her other breast that hadn't been found until now that seems like it might potentially be cancerous too. She won't find out about what type it is until Monday week, but she'll be definitely having surgery some time in July.

I'm worried, of course, but I can't think the worst or break down. Some uplifting, hopeful or inspirational input would be great right now, however.

Those of you attending SoS, have a great time. I'm sorry that I won't get to say hi to you this year. I'll watch in on the livestream if I get a chance <3

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Compromise

Jun. 21st, 2011 08:58 am
flyboy_fox: (Respect you n.n)
How can it be so cold in my house at almost the end of June? :P Sweater, blanket, hot water bottle, cup of steaming tea... still cold ;_; Stupid freezing house. Ah well.

So, I've been back and forthing about the whole Summer of Sonic thing for the past couple of days, and I did what I needed to do as soon as I got the chance - I talked to my mum about it, lots.

My mum acted just as I expected she would. She doesn't want me to cancel SoS on account of her and said she would never forgive herself or me if I did, and that it would only give her extra stress if she thought I was giving up SoS solely because of her hospital appointment. There's no way she'll be talked out of it; believe me, I tried.

She also said that as much as she really appreciates my offer of going to the hospital with her, she thinks she'd actually prefer to go alone. She said that's because taking someone with her for 'support' makes her feel like it's a bigger and scarier thing, and that if she goes alone it will feel more like just a routine check-up. I do understand that, even if I'd still rather be with her, but I respect her wishes.

It's true that she likely won't get any bad news that day, either. She'll either be given the all clear, or asked to come back for more testing, or given the results at a later date. And the tests themselves could be mammogram, ultrasound, or needle biopsy... not pleasant, but mostly just uncomfortable at worst. She won't be strapped to a cold metal table in a torture chamber. It will be quick, and then it will be done. She'll be fine.

Of course, even telling myself all that, of course I'm too worried to just fuck off to SoS and leave her to it. So Jei and I worked out a compromise where we'll stay in Bleadon until after her appointment, and then get an afternoon train to London, arriving in the evening. It means we'll get in late and probably miss the pre-convention party, but it's a small price to pay for being around for my mum. That way, if she decides at the last minute she wants company to the hospital, I'll be here, and on the minute chance she gets less-than-brilliant news, I can still cancel going at the last moment.

So, yeah, long story short: I'm probably still attending SoS but will get into London late. Still subject to last minute change, of course.

Anyway, I'm glad that's sorted.

Jei's back in Bournemouth for one night, just finishing up some last errands, so I'm here by myself which is why I'm back on LJ XD; She graduates on July 1st n.n I'm so happy and proud of her. Can't wait! Then on July 6th she's going back to America and will be gone for a month before I join her in August for happy fun cruise times and a road trip down to Florida to meet my sister for the first time! Exciting stuff...

Remember how Miles told Scrog that if he wanted to make up for missing Miles' birthday, he'd better show up with absinthe and some fine cigars? :P Well, Scrog didn't bring any cigars (thankfully!), but he did show up with a little over two-thirds of a bottle of absinthe, which he'd bought off Jei's flatmates in Bournemouth... so he and Miles spent the other night drinking absinthe and watching Repo! The Genetic Opera. They both seemed to enjoy it (being tipsy probably helps) XD So, that was fun. They want to watch either Saw or The Grudge next, but Jei and I also picked up Inglorious Basterds and Sin City while we were in town yesterday... so there's plenty to choose from ^^

Also in town, Jei saw a t-shirt that she thought Miles would like, so we got it. It has an interesting pattern on it, and a kinda cool built-in scarf-like thing. It's nice. But it's also grey. Miles needs more colour in his wardrobe :P The only colour he likes other than black and grey is red, so next time he's gotta have a red shirt... I'm getting kinda tired of being stuck in black and grey when he's around. I also miss wearing my colourful Sonic shirts all the time, but eh. It's cool. As long as I can wear them sometimes.

Scrog's working on a Scourge sculpture that's gonna hopefully be on our table at SoS (XD) and it actually looks really good so far. There's not much time left to get it done, but I'm sure he can do it.

I finally managed to pick up some books of Arrowwords books that are actually pretty challenging. I'm addicted to cryptic crosswords and arrowwords puzzles, so this makes me happy (:

All right, well, I guess that pretty much sums up everything for now. Catch ya later, LJ!

...?

Jun. 17th, 2011 11:12 pm
flyboy_fox: (I has a sads ;_;)
I just realised something so fucked up that I actually laughed out loud when it occurred to me.

Friday 24th of June, next Friday, is the day I'm supposed to be travelling to London for Summer of Sonic.

I just realized that it's also the date of my mum's hospital appointment to see if the lumps in her breast are cancer.

I wanted to go to the hospital with her. I told her I would, before I realised (just now) that it clashed with London.

I know that when I tell her it's SoS weekend, she'll tell me to go to SoS, she'll INSIST, especially since my hotel is all booked and everything and I'm staffing. But how can I do that? And even if I do, how can I enjoy myself when I'm worrying myself sick about her?

I know there's an 80-90% chance that it's perfectly harmless. But I also know that my mum is scared, especially since some of the sampling procedures might be uncomfortable/painful. I know she'll be fine, but...

I don't know what the fuck to do.

It seems almost obvious to say "fuck SoS, I'm staying with my mum, she needs me", but I dunno if that'd be more stressful for her in the end... she'll get all upset about wasted money, and I know she'll blame herself for me not going and she'll feel guilty, no matter what I say. I don't know what to do, no sir I do not.
flyboy_fox: (happy :))
I feel a lot better for having gone out today. Yesterday was just eeeehhhh... but I'm in a better mood today after some fresh air. Of course, the cynical part of my brain is afraid that any good mood I have is just the precursory aura to another migraine >_> I'm so damned paranoid. But I don't usually get one so soon after another, so I'm just gonna trust that this is actual cheerfulness XD;;

Anyway, I finally got around to picking up the Games Master Sonic 20th Anniversary special edition magazine from WH Smith's. It's been out for a little while, but I hadn't been near a shop to buy it. If you're in the UK and are a Sonic fan, you really should pick it up. It's, as others have said, very lovingly compiled and covers all bases. It comes with a double-sided poster, four pin badges, and a set of classic stickers, as well as tons of info and images and little trivia factoids. Do you know what else it has in it? My name. Yeah. At the beginning of the Merchandise article, check the credits for the photos. Adam Tuff and Alex Perea. Obviously I am not Adam Tuff. But I am Alex Perea. So, yeah. Buy it just for that :P

Jei's supposed to be coming home today if she gets back to Bournemouth from London in time to catch the 8:22pm train to W-s-M. I hope she'll make it because the monthly Bleadon market is on tomorrow at the Coronation Hall and I want to buy a jar of chutney or pickle. But I want to drag her along too XD Because village markets are much more fun with someone else to subject to them. If not, she'll get the 8:22am tomorrow instead (: So it's all good.

Apparently she bought a little late birthday gift for Miles, which I'm curious about but managed to avoid spoiling for him XD;; Miles told Scrog that if he wants to make up for missing his birthday, he'd better show up with a bottle of absinthe and some 'fine cigars' XD; WTF no Miles. Just... no. (Scrog is more likely to show up with ale, raw steak and a baseball bat or a chainsaw to be honest anyway >_> I know I wouldn't let him throw ME a party ^^;)

Oh jeez, Fox is so cute when he sleeps and I can tickle his tummy... but WRRRRYYYY do kitty farts smell so bad? Brb, asphyxiating ;_;

Whoops.

Jun. 15th, 2011 08:23 pm
flyboy_fox: (aww shit)
June 15th 2010 was the day that Miles first showed up. He didn't have a name, back then, and I had no idea who or what he was in relation to me. I know a little better now. So anyway, I guess that sort of makes this his birthday. It's as good a date as any. So, happy birthday, Miles. I'm sorry you had to spend it under less than ideal circumstances. I'm sure Scrog will buy you a drink and give you a solid punch in the arm when Jei gets back.

...

I kinda feel like a douche. Jei and Scrog and I all agreed that we should mark Miles' birthday somehow, since a year of existing is kinda sort of a landmark, and then real life got in the way. Luckily he seems to not really be bothered and would probably rather people not make a fuss about it... but I feel bad anyway.


In other news, I ordered Repo! The Genetic Opera from Amazon the other day. It wasn't supposed to arrive until at least Friday, but it showed up today, eee XD;; Bad movie is horrendously bad but good.

Zydrate come in a little glass vial
A little glass vial?!
(A little glass vial!)
And the little glass vial goes into the gun like a battery
And the zydrate gun goes somewhere against your anatomy
And when the gun goes off, it sparks, and you're ready for surgery
Surgery~


>_>;; The only time Paris Hilton has ever been anything even CLOSE to sexy. ... Can't believe I just typed that D:

Fffffff.

Jun. 14th, 2011 09:27 pm
flyboy_fox: (Why me? e.x)
I can has aspirin?

First of all, thanks everyone who wished my mum well on my post yesterday. She got a call from the hospital today asking her to come in next Friday, so... at least it's not too long to wait.

I was supposed to get my bloodwork done today, but it never quite works out that way, does it? :P I got up, took my shower, got dressed, and got all the way to the doctor's surgery... and then right as I arrived, a migraine started up out of nowhere and without thinking I took painkillers immediately... so I had to rearrange the test for tomorrow morning after 9. God damn it. Spent most of today in bed sleeping it off.

My migraines seem to have evolved over the years... they used to consist of a brief visual aura for about 15 minutes with numbness and speech problems, followed by a severe headache for about six hours. Lately, they've become more aura-focussed, with the visual and tactile/motor problems lasting much longer, and returning periodically over the space of around four hours. At one point today, one of my hands was almost white pale, whilst the other was red/purple, from the odd circulation issues where my left hand kept going completely numb. I feel much better now, though... just a lingering ache over my right eye and a general flu-like malaise. But I'm pissed off... of all the times to happen :\

Guess that's it, really. Later.

Wait, wut?

Jun. 9th, 2011 10:12 pm
flyboy_fox: (Huh?)
Maceci says she'll do everything she can to help and support me in my endeavours to relocate to America... on the condition that I learn Spanish. Like, right now. She made me promise XD; She's started talking to me only in Spanish on Facebook... ahhhh. I think she expects me to know enough by August to hold a conversation with her in person D: ... Oh well. Here's my new challenge! >_>;;
flyboy_fox: (*pow!*)
So, preview pages for SU #29 are out. Oh how the mighty have fallen... It seems Scourge is having a little trouble in the No Zone.

The first page just kinda recaps everything that happened with Scourge so far - how he used to just be 'evil Sonic', then he became Scourge as a result of the M.E., and how he took over his world and used the Anarchy Beryl to become near god-like. And now he's locked up in the No Zone.

Cut for minor spoilers, just in case... )

Miles, on the other hand, has never seen anything so hilarious in his life. I'm afraid he's going to have an aneurysm from how hard he's laughing in my head. And he doesn't laugh very often at all (maybe a sardonic "hah!" if you're lucky). But he's beside himself with mirth. So, um, I'm glad he's amused... I'll just continue to quietly feel bad for Scourge n.n;

Still, I know Scourge will end up getting the upper hand and the humiliation won't last. If the future covers are any indication, his spines will grown back pretty fast, too >_> Also, I'm hoping it's just a scan resolution thing, but he seems to be a very odd almost turquoise colour, a blue-green rather than green.

Anyway, Scourge preview pages! Yeah!

Edit: Oh, dear lord... judging from what people who've already read the whole issue are saying, the preview pages are just the tip of the iceberg of what happens to him in the rest of #29... Damn, I want to read the full comic now ;_;
flyboy_fox: (excuse me wtf r u doin?)
Daniella and I exchanged a couple more messages on Facebook. She suggested that I come down to FL to visit them while I'm in America in August. Jei says she'll drive down with me and we can make it a fun road trip thing, and maybe stop at Myrtle Beach along the way because she's always wanted to take me there. The idea excites and thrills me, but also terrifies me. I hope I'll be able to muster up the courage to do that.

My mum is gone for the week. She's going to London to see my brother's end-of-year show at Uni, then she's off to Marrakesh until Sunday. I'm here alone, but Jei will hopefully be here on Thursday until Monday. I'm pretty anxious; I'm not good at being alone for too long, and the nights by myself scare me a little - I'm kind of afraid of the dark, as pathetic as that sounds, and my imagination plays tricks on me when it gets late and I'm by myself, even if I don't believe in ghosts and such.

My fears have been reflected in my dreams lately. The night before last I had a horrible nightmare about being in an apartment block where a murder had taken place and it was haunted. The place was all filthy and boarded up, and weird stuff kept happening. Things would move, there were faces in the windows, and a patch of freezing cold air just inside the door. When I finally stepped inside, the room was covered in blood, everywhere, all over the walls and floors.

Last night wasn't better. I had a nightmare about my brother and I fighting badly. I have these dreams pretty frequently. My brother and I were really close when we were little. We played together for hours and just had so much fun together. Then we moved from Wimbledon to the rougher Sutton and my brother fell in with the local chav kids and I became isolated after dropping out of school with panic attacks, and we just... grew apart, horribly. We started to fight and eventually we despised each other. We used to do such terrible things to each other with such spite and hatred. I'd destroy his belongings, he'd physically assault me, the police would get involved. It was a terrible time for us and for my poor mum who couldn't mediate between two such polar opposites. We no longer hate each other, both having grown up since, and of course no longer living in the same house... but I'll always regret how such a beautiful sibling relationship turned into such a violent horrorshow. In the dream, we were fighting like that again and I pushed him down the stairs and he broke his neck and my mum was just screaming and crying and screaming and... I woke up and it was 3am and I just couldn't get back to sleep because I was shaking and feeling sick and so I went downstairs and made myself a camomile tea and then just read for a bit.

I was wondering why I had that dream, because I've not really been thinking much about my brother lately... but then when I was typing this it occurred to me that maybe it has to do with my fear of inadequacy in meeting and getting to know my Colombian family. I dunno. Then I finally went back to sleep with the light on, and dreamed about blood-splattered buildings again, lol.

I'm also a little worried about my dad... he was supposed to have an operation on his eyes yesterday. It's just a minor one, for cataracts, but there's always a risk, especially with older people... and my dad is 83. I haven't heard from him yet and I don't have his number, so I guess I just have to wait.

I feel as though my life is defined by fear at the moment. Not the kind of moment-to-moment fear of being in an actual hostile environment, but the ever-present nebulous fear of tomorrow and beyond. Anxiety just doesn't let go. Sometimes it's not as bad, and I can function, and other times I can't do much at all because of the ice-cold panic gripping me, but it never really goes away. When I'm awake, or when I'm asleep, when I'm resting or being active, no matter what, it's there. I'm always just a few paces away from bursting into tears or yelling at someone. I've always been an anxious person and prone to depression, but it's never been this bad and for this long.

There's so much that I want to do, so many opportunities, such potential... but instead of being happy I just feel overwhelmed, terrified and not good enough.

Family ♥

Jun. 6th, 2011 12:44 pm
flyboy_fox: (No way o.o)
I was all set to (finally) go to sleep last night when a bunch of new messages on Facebook came through. Now, I don't use Facebook for much... currently I've just been on there to keep an eye on the Summer of Sonic group since I'm an admin there and we've had some spam lately. But yeah, I don't use it much.

The messages I got were friend requests from my Colombian half-sister Maria Cecilia (Maceci) and her kids Daniella and Sebastian.

Holy crap.

I've never met my half-sister, but I have met her children. It was so long ago. They were only 8 and 11 (I think) and they stayed at my house back in Sutton for a week or so while they were visiting England. We were all so young. Daniella was just a little kid with barbie dolls, and her brother was barely older than my brother (which was always kind of odd... my brother's nephew is older than him XD). They barely spoke any English. They were so cute.

Fast forward to now, and this is the first I've heard of them since then. Daniella sent me a message that just said "Hey how are you? I'm your niece" and I swear tears started forming in my eyes. One glance at her page and it's clear she's no child any more. She's a 20-something American, very pretty, seems to be very popular, and has perfect English. My nephew Sebastian's page shows similar progression. It looks as though he has a baby, too. I missed so much.

And then there's Maceci, my sister. She's a middle-aged woman, and I can see my father in all of them. I can see me. This is my family from across the world. I can't wait to meet them.

But I have to confess being a little afraid. I want them to like me. I want to know my family. But I'm scared that I won't be good enough. I don't know how they, as Colombians, will feel about my lifestyle and choices, who I am. I hope that it won't be an issue, but the culture is different. Most of all I don't want them to think scornfully of me, as though I only tried to get in touch with them because I want sponsorship to America. It would break my heart if they thought that.

I've wanted to get in touch with them for years, but my dad's relationship with them has always been rocky and he usually didn't know where they are, or they didn't want to talk to him, or something else. And then there was the language barrier. My sister and brothers (do I really need to append the 'half' to them? They're still my siblings...) don't speak much English. However, Daniella and Sebastian seem to, so perhaps they can help me connect with the rest of my Colombian family.

My mission is to learn enough Spanish to at least try to converse with Maceci when I (hopefully) meet her for the first time in August. Maybe I'll meet my brother Fernando too. I think he also lives in Miami.

I feel so overwhelmed and uncertain and scared. But at the same time, this could be the most amazing thing ever.
flyboy_fox: (*sigh*)
Nnnguh, I'm having a bad day for anxiety, today. I had to go into town to sign in at the Job Centre and go to the doctor again. My mum and I had lunch at a café and I was pleasantly surprised when I could only manage one half of the panini before feeling totally full. Stomach must be getting used to the smaller portions. Even my mum, who's very critical about my weight, says I look pretty good right now and that I'm getting back to how I was when I was 'slim' ♥

Anyway, I made an appointment with the nurse to have my bloodwork done on Tuesday June 14th, which is a week and a half from now. I wish it were sooner, because I can't make an informed decision about anxiety medication until I rule out hyperthyroidism as a cause. It also means I won't get anything done and sorted before SoS, which is worrying me a fair bit, but I'll manage. I don't like having blood taken (who does?), but at least I'm no longer needle-phobic. I got over that a few years ago when I decided to go have all my jabs and vaccinations that I didn't have done when I was a child because I wouldn't let them near me with a needle ^^;

When I got home, I had one hell of a headache over my eyes, probably just the result of being out in the hot sun across the hottest part of the day, so I took a nap and fell into a pretty deep sleep. When I woke up, it was in the grips of a really nasty panic attack, which has subsided mostly now, but the anxiety never seems to really go away. I want to be free from it. One way or another, I will be eventually.

Miles is in a pretty melancholy and sort of morose mood this evening (holy hell, it's almost 10pm?!) after a Sonic'kin friend told me they'd possibly 'communicated' with Alicia briefly. I know Miles would really like to talk to her himself, but unfortunately we don't seem to have that kind of connection with 'other places'. We're very much static - here, now, with memories, identities and beliefs, but absolutely no 'abilities' to connect with other places or dimensions. Very human, very ordinary, no access to the amazing soulscapes and headworlds that a lot of my fic'kin and soulbonder friends seem to experience. I'm not envious, but I would love to know what it's like to feel actively connected to other places and people and things beyond one's singular mind. Oops, tangent. But yeah, if Miles would try to make other friends, he'd probably be less isolated... but he's not a 'people person' and really only seems to want to talk to Alicia. I miss my Sally too, but it's not the same. I'm more removed from that lifetime and the people I knew then, and I have a whole life built here. I wish I could make Alicia show up somehow, because I actually do give a damn about Miles (I have to for the sake of my own mental health :P). But still, he could make more of an effort, too.

I actually watched Britain's Got Talent for once this evening. All I can say is 'LOL'. The woman with the 'singing' dog, hahaha. And WTF was that eyeball guy all about? How did he even get to the semi-finals? The last two acts were class, though. I like traditional talent, and I also like Matrix-inspired stuff, even if it's overplayed by now... so... yeah. I feel bad, but the boys rapping about their grandpa kind of made me cringe. It's an awesome tribute, don't get me wrong, but I wouldn't call one song redone twice and entirely rapped 'talent'. I dunno.

Ugh, it's actually too hot and stuffy in my room for once. Usually it's freezing in here and I'm shivering even with a sweater, blanket, slippers, hot water bottle and a hot mug of tea :P But today it's actually really close and humid. Tomorrow's supposed to be another scorcher (by UK June standards), but then the temperatures are going to drop from 24C to 17C and then 14C within the next couple of days. Boo!

I was talking to my mum in the car about the latest Doctor Who (POSSIBLE SPOILERS?) and I realised that the whole Amy-being-one-of-the-flesh-and-not-actually-Amy thing rang kind of familiar. Then I realised what it reminded me of - the arc in Archie Sonic where Mammoth Mogul captures Tails and uses him, in his Turbo form, as a power source. Meanwhile, he's replaced Tails with an identical clone with all Tails' memories and personality and physical traits, who has no idea that he's a clone. He continues to go with Sonic on missions, with no one any the wiser about the deception, until he starts having weird dreams leading him to the location where the real Tails is being held. And then Sonic has to make the heartbreaking decision to free the real Tails and destroy the perfectly innocent clone. Of course the story's not identical, but certain elements are so similar. In both cases, most of the cast are unaware of the deception, and the audience doesn't fully know either, but is given hints and clues (more so in Archie). Tails is drawn to the location of the real Tails via dreams, whereas Amy keeps seeing a window and the woman with the eye-patch hinting at the location of the real Amy. And in the end, both the Doctor and Sonic have to destroy the clone of their best friend, despite having full knowledge that the clone considers itself to be the real deal with all the same memories, emotions and fears. It's a story that's been done in many different mediums, and a powerful one... That arc in Archie hit me hard at the time, and I wrote a fic based on it, which is one of my very few completed pieces of Sonic fanfiction. That was a while ago, but the Doctor Who current storyline made me think about it all over again. Heh. It really is so true that there are no truly original ideas in fiction, and haven't been for thousands of years, but the quality of the telling of them is what makes them powerful. (I'm going to be really blasphemous here and say that I think Archie did it better, but that's mostly because I just didn't find the acting or script in The Rebel Flesh and The Almost People to be very believable or good, even if the concept of the two-parter itself was brilliant).

Oy, I've babbled on for far too long now :P Bye!
flyboy_fox: (I'm a free bitch baby~!)
Bwahaha, Miles is kind of adorable when he's being hit on by a girl XD I know, 'Miles' and 'adorable' should never go in the same sentence together, but he's just so awkward when a girl is trying to flirt with him and he doesn't know what the fuck to do. If he's this bad online, I can only imagine that if a girl kissed him on the cheek IRL he'd just... spontaneously combust or something :P Haha.

Aaanyway, weather sure is nice right now >_> Too bad it's not going to stay this way for long. My mum is going on vacation to Marrakesh (in Morocco) with her friends next week, so I'll be here by myself for a few days. Jei's going to try to travel down for at least the last part of the week, but it depends on how near she is to finishing up at Uni.

Tomorrow I'm going to go back to the doctor and ask about getting a blood test to rule out a thyroid problem. This anxiety thing hasn't gotten any better, and my mum's friend had similar problems until she was diagnosed with an hyperactive thyroid gland, and the treatment for that made her anxiety problems go away completely. Of course, it might not be that at all. Maybe there's no physical cause. But it's worth screening for at any rate, especially before making a decision about the anxiety/depression SNRI medication and/or expensive CBT (of which there's none locally - nearest is two hours away). I'm also going to pop into the Community Mental Health Resource Centre that supposedly exists in town and see if they have any advices for me.

Miles and Scrog have been hanging out a lot lately, which is good. They seem to be - finally - acting like old friends rather than enemies or cold acquaintances. I know they never ever had a close fluffy relationship like Jei/Sonic and I have/had, but they were in a gang together and sorta looked out for each other begrudgingly before Scrog went insane with power, so... yeah. I won't get too much into their personal business, but I'm glad they're not at each other's throats any more and actually managed to find some common ground.

Scrog's tapping Jei's artistic prowess to make some Archie-based statuettes for our table at Summer of Sonic. Time permitting, he should be able to get Scourge, Miles and Alicia done. That would be pretty cool. Haha, someone on SSMB pointed out to me that TSS (The Sonic Stadium) should be controlled by the Suppression Squad, because TSS is the same initials as The Suppression Squad. Lol.

Nguhhh, I think the worst thing right now is that either I'm feeling crappy because I'm depressed and anxious, OR I feel better but then I start worrying that I'm only feeling good because I'm about to have another migraine and my mind is playing tricks on me, and then I get anxious and depressed about THAT :P Oh, brain. Why so counter-productive?

Bed now. Yeeeeessssss.
flyboy_fox: (No way o.o)
I had a really long talk with my mum, today, about... well... lots of things. I felt the sudden need to just tell her everything, because she's my mum and my head gets all crazy and I know she'll put me right. My mum is great because she's so loving but she's also brutally honest. She'd tell me if she was concerned or unhappy about something.

I started small, just telling her about some of my obsessive thoughts and feelings and the knots I'm tying myself in over the whole CBT and meds thing. I told her how I was afraid to go to CBT in case they found out about some of my more unusual thoughts and systems and preferences and tried to change THOSE. She assured me they would only help me change what I wanted to change, but she asked what kind of things.

So I started by telling her about some of the darker things I'm into, like torture and pain and cutting, and how I do it just 'cause I like it and not for any need to bleed or suffer or whatever. I just like how it feels and the sight of the blood. She was a bit unsure at first, but she said as long as I don't cut deep or become dependant on it, she doesn't see the harm. As far as the unsavoury interests go, she was completely unfazed, as I should guessed she would be. Like she said, lots of people have interests and fantasies that are macabre and/or unpleasant, or are taboo. But as long as a person would never ever try to actually hurt anyone (against their will) and no one gets exploited or abused, fantasy is a-ok.

So far, so cool. So I threw the big one at her. I told her about Miles. I explained how he's my alter-ego, with a different name to me, different personality, different way of speaking, different interests, different person. I told her how he started out as 'Anti-Tails' in the Sonic comic and then came to life and into his own personality here. I told her how we switch back and forth and how Jei has Scourge in her head too, and we see us all as four different people. I laid it out, said how Miles is basically an aspect of me with a life of his own, and then waited for her reaction.

My mum? Totally cool about Miles. She found him very interesting as a phenomenon, but it didn't worry her one bit. She said that as long as I don't feel possessed or controlled by him, and as long as I don't suffer memory blackouts or other signs of actual mental illness, then it's harmless and maybe even healthy because he's helped me in some ways with his different methods of coping with stuff. She basically said that as long as I keep my feet on the ground and don't let my head-life dominate my outside life, I have nothing to worry about. There's no reason to be concerned about having Miles around, and that the only thing I need CBT for is my anxiety about that kind of thing. if I can just stop worrying, then that's all! There's no real problems beyond the anxiety (and resulting depression).

I showed my mum a picture of Miles. Human form. Well. Human/vampire, since it's a scribble Scrog threw together for him in an afternoon for an MMORPG thing they're messing around on at the moment.
Under the cut. )

My mum's reaction was predictably unpredictable. She said "Ooh, he's rather nice, actually. Quite tasty. I like him." Which almost had me rolling and had Miles quite uncomfortable and flummoxed. Then again, I'd forgotten my mum has a thing for sarky vampires. Lol, my mum. I love her.

She finished up by saying she actually felt better about me now that I'd told her, and that she reckons I think I'm far more messed up than I actually am. She's probably right. My only real problem is how big I blow things up in my head. It's really never as bad or shocking or horrible as I seem to think it is. Then she hugged me and said she loves us both, and made Miles uncomfortable all over again XD

I feel a little better now, and a bit more ready to face CBT if I can ever get around to it. Maybe I'll try the pills for a bit, to help level out my moods in the meantime. But I feel better now knowing that the only thing wrong with me is my anxiety and tendency to obsess and interrogate myself to death. I just need to learn to project outwards rather than inwards. And Miles doesn't need to go anywhere (not that I could budge him if I tried ♥).
flyboy_fox: (I has a sads ;_;)
I don't know what to do. I feel hopeless and a little scared. It just seems like it's not going to get better.

I've been having a bad relapse of depression and anxiety for a while, but it's gotten worse and I've been struggling just to stay afloat. I hoped maybe it would pass in time, especially with summer almost here now, but it's not going anywhere. I don't know what's worse, the panic attacks, the depression, or just the almost permanent sick anxious feeling in my gut and throat. I want so badly to look forward to the wonderful things that are coming up; Summer of Sonic, travelling to America to possibly meet my half-sister, going on that amazing nine-night cruise... but every single one of them fills me with dread and guilt.

So I finally manned up enough to go back to the doctor today. I hoped maybe I could get a referral for CBT, since I've heard so many good things about CBT. I really need to learn how to put these obsessive thoughts out of my mind and stop obsessing and destroying myself. So, CBT would be great. But there is no way I can afford to go privately, even with sliding-scales/mean-tested approaches. Even if I could, the closest private clinic is in Taunton, much too far away. So that only leaves the NHS. Which has a minimum wait of three months for referrals. Three months. I can't... three months.

The doctor was so nice... she was really kind and understanding and couldn't apologise enough for the fact that there was nothing sooner. She didn't try to force pills on me, but she said that they might help in the meantime, and she prescribed me Venlalic XL (Venlafaxine) 75mg. It's an SNRI used to treat depression and generalised anxiety disorder. It also looks evil. A quick bit of internet research comparing it to the last pill I was on (Escitalopram aka Cipralex) shows that the side-effects are more than twice as common, and coming off it is a bitch. Even missing one dose seems to have some pretty nasty withdrawal effects. I'm terrified of taking this pill, because I'm scared of the side-effects and because I don't want it to be difficult to come off from... but the thought of continuing the way I feel right now is just as frightening.

I know I'm the only person who can decide what to do, but it feels like there's no winning here. At the risk of whining horribly, I just want to feel better. I hate this. I hate feeling like this. But those pills might make me feel worse.
flyboy_fox: (I has a sads ;_;)
As most of you guys know, I've been trying for some years to find a way to move to America to be with my fiancée, Jei. We can't marry, and employment doesn't seem likely as I'm unskilled. I'd thought my best shot was my half-sister who is an American citizen.

I finally got my half-sister's contact details and shot her an email. I'm really hoping I can meet her this summer, and that perhaps she'll be able to sponsor my Green Card application. My dad already talked to her and she seemed willing. Hopefully the language barrier won't be too much of a problem, as she doesn't speak much English and I speak very little Spanish. But we'll see if she responds.

However, in an unhappy bout of coincidence, someone sent me this flow chart today: http://reason.org/files/a87d1550853898a9b306ef458f116079.pdf

Can anyone tell me if the wait-times on it are anything close to accurate? Because if it takes 6 - 14 years just to PROCESS the application for a sibling sponsorship to Green Card level, and another 6 to get the citizenship... I think I'm just going to curl up and die. Looking at that chart makes me feel like I've been shot in the stomach. ._.;
flyboy_fox: (Ali Baba! XD)
I do not care for the new NavStrip bar, no siree I do not ): Not particularly big on the userheads-as-favicon change either, but eh. I guess neither is an actual problem (as long as the journal/communities filter is reinstated), but aesthetically it's just bleh.

Anyway, I know that when I start babbling on about Scrog and Miles, it tends to make my journal entries pretty inaccessible to most people, so I am sorry for that. It tends to come in waves, so I reckon I'll be posting about hopefully more interesting stuff soon, especially with Jei's graduation, Summer of Sonic, and my trip to America for the cruise and maybe meeting my half-brother and half-sister coming up. So please just bear with me ^^;

I've been talking over PMs with an LJ friend who identifies as Sally and whose memories/feelings about that life have some coincidental similarities to my own. It's interesting comparing and contrasting things that way, and it seems our two 'verses aren't necessarily all that different. Regardless of whether she's 'my' Sally or not, it's oddly comforting to speak to a Sally who reminds me a lot of the one I remember knowing. But it also makes me really sort of wish that the Alicia from Scrog and Miles' Moebius was here. Miles keeps to himself and hasn't gone out of his way to make friends/acquaintances here, but I know that he misses Alicia. After Scrog went from just being an asshole trouble-making gang leader to being a super-powered batshit insane asshole intent on destroying everything, I imagine that Alicia was the closest thing Miles had to a friend and confidante while they took cover and schemed to overthrow him. Maybe I shouldn't care, but I'd like for him to have her around, even though it's good that he and Scrog seem to be slowly making amends. I think their little gang actually had some pretty good times before things got shaken up so badly, although I have a hard time believing that any of them weren't total assholes even back then.

I realised that somewhere along the way I stopped thinking of Scrog and Miles as our alter-egos or as soul-bonds or headmates, and started seeing them as... well, friends. Even Miles. I don't think the feeling is in any way mutual, but I'd count him among my friends. I think at best he tolerates me, and at worst still despises me on occasion, but that's the best I can hope for. Scrog and I get along pretty well these days, although when I first met him, one of the first things he did was punch me in the stomach on the way to the Summer of Sonic after-party, after I complained of a stomach ache because of having eaten too much. His, uh, method of showing companionship took a little getting used to. But I like him. He's a bastard, but at least he's not a super-powered batshit insane asshole intent on destroying everything now that he's no longer fuelled by chaos energy XD; So yeah. Respect.

I think Scrog and Miles would enjoy Camden Town. We'll have to go there someday. And since Miles is intent on branding my flesh, maybe I/we could get another tattoo while I'm up there. Or a piercing. I'm still undecided about whether I could go through with something like a lip piercing. The twin-tail tattoo I have on my lower back was fine; painful but tolerable and over within a couple of hours. But piercings have to be moved/turned daily for weeks or even months to prevent closure, and there's always the risk of infection. Still, eh. Maybe.
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