Nov. 5th, 2011 04:07 pm
flyboy_fox: (I has a sads ;_;)
[personal profile] flyboy_fox
I posted this at a forum hence the weird formatting and saying things that most of you guys already know, but I needed to get it out of my system... Disclaimer: Big ol' self-pity party up ahead.

I'm really not doing very well at the moment. I've been
feeling lost and like a failure, reminded of how few people I have
(physically) in my life. I miss human company. I miss getting a hug,
laughing with someone, watching a movie together, playing cards. I feel
like my entire physical existence has been reduced to a claustrophobic
little bubble consisting of Me, my Mum, and Cancer. There's no room for
anything else.

The other day was one of the worst in my life. I had to sit with my mum
in the corridor whilst she cried helplessly for hours and talked about
suicide and wanting to die and how she doesn't feel like anyone could
love her and care for her because she feels she messed up everything. I
feel like nothing I do helps her. She only has bad days and worse days,
nothing in between.

The next bit is going to sound selfish, but I am struggling myself with
the SAD (seasonal affective disorder) that I have, also known as Winter
Depression. Some days are better than others, but I can't turn to my mum
even for a little bit because she can't handle it. She straight up told
me that she can't cope with me having depression right now, so I have
to hide it and pretend I'm okay. I've tried to explain to her that I
don't need her to take care of me or take on my burdens. I just wanted
to be able to tell her that sometimes I feel a little low and that I'm
not always on the top of my game. But she freaks out even at that, and
so I feel like I'm slowly going insane from the pressure of trying to be
'okay' and strong for her, even when I don't feel strong at all.

I love my mum so much and I will do anything for her, but it is draining
me so much. Today she had to go to a funeral for a friend from her Keep
Fit class who just passed away from cancer. It scares her, and so she's
taking it out on me in a foul mood. 'Cancer' is the trump word for
everything right now. Nothing I say or do can go up against Cancer. I
feel so guilty for feeling even a tiny bit of resentment when she's
going through so much, but I just want a break.

But there's nowhere I can go, no one I can turn to. My dad isn't in my
life, my brother lives far away and we don't exactly get on, and I have
no 'IRL' friends at all. My partner is in another continent and I may
not see her again for a year. All I have for catharsis is venting here,
so sorry for doing that yet again.

At any rate, doing what I did last night (which was downing a whole
bottle of vodka) is probably not a great idea. Hangovers don't exactly
lead to great moods the next day ^^;

Thanks for listening, guys ♥

I put the wangst under a cut so you don't have to read it if you're not in the mood ^^;
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