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Jul. 17th, 2011 11:32 pm
flyboy_fox: (I has a sads ;_;)
[personal profile] flyboy_fox
My mum didn't eat much at dinner. She kept putting her food on my plate. She hasn't even started treatment yet and already she's lost a stone in weight because the anxiety and stress of her situation has caused clinical anorexia in her. I try to get her to eat more, and she knows she needs to, but she just can't bring herself to eat more than a few mouthfuls.

While we were sitting at the table there, her eyes suddenly welled up and she said that during her time listening to the radio today, she heard about three separate people who'd died recently from cancer. It was clear how much it scared her.

After dinner, when she was bringing the plates over to the sink for me to wash up, she suddenly broke down in tears completely, sobbing about how scared she is and how the doctors won't tell her it's definitely treatable or assure her she'll pull through and how she's never been so scared of dying and how lonely she feels without a husband or partner to take care of her and take over everything for her... and I just held her while she sobbed and shook, and I just comforted her and told her how strong she is and how she'll get through this and how her kids and her friends will do everything we can for her and she's not alone. I held it together, and didn't cry, but my heart has never hurt so badly in all my life.

Most importantly, I told her that if she's not okay right now, it's all right to be not okay. She's been strong about so much in her life, never allowing herself to falter. She doesn't need to put on a brave face about this. She needs to be honest with me and tell me how she feels, and if she feels absolutely horrible and shitty that's NOT a weakness. I told her that the only thing she can't do is give up, because I know she'll get through this. But if she needs to cry, then she can cry. If she needs to lean on me, she can lean on me. If she needs to just get it all out, that's perfectly okay. There'll be hard times, but in between there will be good days too. She'll make it. She's strong.

I do believe that, whole-heartedly, but right now I feel like I'm in Hell and this is a nightmare that will never end. She doesn't deserve this, and I can't make it better!
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December 2011

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