Jun. 7th, 2011

flyboy_fox: (excuse me wtf r u doin?)
Daniella and I exchanged a couple more messages on Facebook. She suggested that I come down to FL to visit them while I'm in America in August. Jei says she'll drive down with me and we can make it a fun road trip thing, and maybe stop at Myrtle Beach along the way because she's always wanted to take me there. The idea excites and thrills me, but also terrifies me. I hope I'll be able to muster up the courage to do that.

My mum is gone for the week. She's going to London to see my brother's end-of-year show at Uni, then she's off to Marrakesh until Sunday. I'm here alone, but Jei will hopefully be here on Thursday until Monday. I'm pretty anxious; I'm not good at being alone for too long, and the nights by myself scare me a little - I'm kind of afraid of the dark, as pathetic as that sounds, and my imagination plays tricks on me when it gets late and I'm by myself, even if I don't believe in ghosts and such.

My fears have been reflected in my dreams lately. The night before last I had a horrible nightmare about being in an apartment block where a murder had taken place and it was haunted. The place was all filthy and boarded up, and weird stuff kept happening. Things would move, there were faces in the windows, and a patch of freezing cold air just inside the door. When I finally stepped inside, the room was covered in blood, everywhere, all over the walls and floors.

Last night wasn't better. I had a nightmare about my brother and I fighting badly. I have these dreams pretty frequently. My brother and I were really close when we were little. We played together for hours and just had so much fun together. Then we moved from Wimbledon to the rougher Sutton and my brother fell in with the local chav kids and I became isolated after dropping out of school with panic attacks, and we just... grew apart, horribly. We started to fight and eventually we despised each other. We used to do such terrible things to each other with such spite and hatred. I'd destroy his belongings, he'd physically assault me, the police would get involved. It was a terrible time for us and for my poor mum who couldn't mediate between two such polar opposites. We no longer hate each other, both having grown up since, and of course no longer living in the same house... but I'll always regret how such a beautiful sibling relationship turned into such a violent horrorshow. In the dream, we were fighting like that again and I pushed him down the stairs and he broke his neck and my mum was just screaming and crying and screaming and... I woke up and it was 3am and I just couldn't get back to sleep because I was shaking and feeling sick and so I went downstairs and made myself a camomile tea and then just read for a bit.

I was wondering why I had that dream, because I've not really been thinking much about my brother lately... but then when I was typing this it occurred to me that maybe it has to do with my fear of inadequacy in meeting and getting to know my Colombian family. I dunno. Then I finally went back to sleep with the light on, and dreamed about blood-splattered buildings again, lol.

I'm also a little worried about my dad... he was supposed to have an operation on his eyes yesterday. It's just a minor one, for cataracts, but there's always a risk, especially with older people... and my dad is 83. I haven't heard from him yet and I don't have his number, so I guess I just have to wait.

I feel as though my life is defined by fear at the moment. Not the kind of moment-to-moment fear of being in an actual hostile environment, but the ever-present nebulous fear of tomorrow and beyond. Anxiety just doesn't let go. Sometimes it's not as bad, and I can function, and other times I can't do much at all because of the ice-cold panic gripping me, but it never really goes away. When I'm awake, or when I'm asleep, when I'm resting or being active, no matter what, it's there. I'm always just a few paces away from bursting into tears or yelling at someone. I've always been an anxious person and prone to depression, but it's never been this bad and for this long.

There's so much that I want to do, so many opportunities, such potential... but instead of being happy I just feel overwhelmed, terrified and not good enough.

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flyboy_fox

December 2011

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