May. 28th, 2011

flyboy_fox: (No way o.o)
I had a really long talk with my mum, today, about... well... lots of things. I felt the sudden need to just tell her everything, because she's my mum and my head gets all crazy and I know she'll put me right. My mum is great because she's so loving but she's also brutally honest. She'd tell me if she was concerned or unhappy about something.

I started small, just telling her about some of my obsessive thoughts and feelings and the knots I'm tying myself in over the whole CBT and meds thing. I told her how I was afraid to go to CBT in case they found out about some of my more unusual thoughts and systems and preferences and tried to change THOSE. She assured me they would only help me change what I wanted to change, but she asked what kind of things.

So I started by telling her about some of the darker things I'm into, like torture and pain and cutting, and how I do it just 'cause I like it and not for any need to bleed or suffer or whatever. I just like how it feels and the sight of the blood. She was a bit unsure at first, but she said as long as I don't cut deep or become dependant on it, she doesn't see the harm. As far as the unsavoury interests go, she was completely unfazed, as I should guessed she would be. Like she said, lots of people have interests and fantasies that are macabre and/or unpleasant, or are taboo. But as long as a person would never ever try to actually hurt anyone (against their will) and no one gets exploited or abused, fantasy is a-ok.

So far, so cool. So I threw the big one at her. I told her about Miles. I explained how he's my alter-ego, with a different name to me, different personality, different way of speaking, different interests, different person. I told her how he started out as 'Anti-Tails' in the Sonic comic and then came to life and into his own personality here. I told her how we switch back and forth and how Jei has Scourge in her head too, and we see us all as four different people. I laid it out, said how Miles is basically an aspect of me with a life of his own, and then waited for her reaction.

My mum? Totally cool about Miles. She found him very interesting as a phenomenon, but it didn't worry her one bit. She said that as long as I don't feel possessed or controlled by him, and as long as I don't suffer memory blackouts or other signs of actual mental illness, then it's harmless and maybe even healthy because he's helped me in some ways with his different methods of coping with stuff. She basically said that as long as I keep my feet on the ground and don't let my head-life dominate my outside life, I have nothing to worry about. There's no reason to be concerned about having Miles around, and that the only thing I need CBT for is my anxiety about that kind of thing. if I can just stop worrying, then that's all! There's no real problems beyond the anxiety (and resulting depression).

I showed my mum a picture of Miles. Human form. Well. Human/vampire, since it's a scribble Scrog threw together for him in an afternoon for an MMORPG thing they're messing around on at the moment.
Under the cut. )

My mum's reaction was predictably unpredictable. She said "Ooh, he's rather nice, actually. Quite tasty. I like him." Which almost had me rolling and had Miles quite uncomfortable and flummoxed. Then again, I'd forgotten my mum has a thing for sarky vampires. Lol, my mum. I love her.

She finished up by saying she actually felt better about me now that I'd told her, and that she reckons I think I'm far more messed up than I actually am. She's probably right. My only real problem is how big I blow things up in my head. It's really never as bad or shocking or horrible as I seem to think it is. Then she hugged me and said she loves us both, and made Miles uncomfortable all over again XD

I feel a little better now, and a bit more ready to face CBT if I can ever get around to it. Maybe I'll try the pills for a bit, to help level out my moods in the meantime. But I feel better now knowing that the only thing wrong with me is my anxiety and tendency to obsess and interrogate myself to death. I just need to learn to project outwards rather than inwards. And Miles doesn't need to go anywhere (not that I could budge him if I tried ♥).

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December 2011

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